34. Valentine's Day... Doom or Delight?

The flying cherub called Cupid, lacy lingerie, the releasing of romantic comedies, "Goin' to the Chapel," and courtly love (not to be confused with Courtney Love)...

Breath a sigh of relief, or a sigh of exasperation - for it is Valentine's Day!

What can we deduce about this romantic day, once a religious observation now turned Hallmark holiday? Valentine's Day is certainly a mixed bag. Whether or not you have a hunny, you're either pro V-Day or vehemently anti. But the same truth remains: February 14th, every year, sure as shit, is a day to commemorate lovers, intimacy and the fact that you are dreadfully alone once again.


Jill: I think I only had an "official" Valentine twice, and that's excluding the years my parents sent me valentines with money and a box of conversation hearts. Valentine's Day as a kid meant just another classroom party with cute little cards, cupcakes and endless rounds of "Heads Up 7-Up," but as time went on, things changed. Suddenly in middle school you hoped, hell, prayed someone sent you a damn candy-gram, and if you're anything like my friends and I, we just sent them to each other. High school was a dreary scene. All the jocks and their snot nosed girlfriends walked around with red blinking bio-luminescent heart necklaces and bouquets of roses, just to further usurp everyone's power and reign high above everyone else yet again. I had one silly sort of Valentine in high school which yielded nothing more than a goofy card and a stuffed animal.

In college, I finally had a man for a significant amount of time which meant I was finally NOT single on Valentine's Day! Hooray! I labored over a cute little book I made of all our memories, bought him a small gift or two, and made a "romantic" dinner at my place. I remember being nervous and excited the whole day. But what I truly realized that it was like any other day, and all the hype surrounding it made me feel a little anxiety and actual disappointment in all the day had to offer. Don't get me wrong, I will always remember sweet Valentine's Day gestures, but some of my best memories with guys, or loved ones in general, occur unscripted. The cheese ball factor is fun the same way your parents taking pictures of you on the first day of school every year is, but it's also not enough to define what LOVE and a relationship is all about.

So I guess what I'm meaning to say is that if you have a significant other and enjoy being a little corny and romantic, giving into the hype of superfluous love connections abounding (undoubtedly Cupid fluttering about, launching heart-shaped arrows into people's asses), go for it. It's a little cheesy, fun, and exciting! But don't put all your eggs into one basket. Chances could be that your significant other may not believe in the big V-Day (or maybe more accurately called D-Day) or they just consider it another ordinary day. You gotta respect that and not get too upset that you didn't come home to a warm bubble bath with fine lavender soaps, a bottle of champagne, Barry White playing while your beau is putting the finishing touches on a lobster dinner for you. We just don't live like that all the time, and to EXPECT that extravagance and become disappointed when it doesn't happen is just as silly as the sight of 40 year old men crowding the card and flower sections of their local grocery store.

Does it really mean that much to get a dozen roses and a box of chocolates? Perhaps. That would be nice, but on Valentine's Day, that's pretty cliche. If you do feel the need to celebrate, do something a little bit more unorthodox to make it memorable. After all, you're just one couple in a sea of a million doing the same crap. May as well stand out a little. I will be spending my day with none other than my bloody valentine, Anthony Bourdain. He's speaking here in Philly and there's nothing else I'd rather be doing.


Erica: I've always been one of those people that looks forward to holidays. I wear socks with Santas on them for all of December, I think about hilarious Halloween costumes year-round (then never get the chance to go anywhere when the day arrives), and I make an outline for my "I'm thankful for..." Thanksgiving Day speech, trying to bring the right amount of knee slappers to my tear-jerking lecture. For Valentine's Day this year, I made a butt load of heart-shaped cookies and funfetti cupcakes with pink frosting and pink heart-shaped sprinkles for my family and coworkers. I found a cute rose headband that I could wear to work months ago. I just like getting into the spirit of the holidays. I like having something to look forward to.

In Valentine's Days past, my Valentine was usually my Dad. He bought me, my sister, and my Mom flowers - always different kinds reflecting our personalities. My Mom would get me candies and I would diligently look for the perfect Valentines to give to my schoolmates, being careful not to give the obvious "I like you" ones to the boys I did indeed like. When I started dating, Valentine's Day became a day where I could get excited about giving a gift that I stewed over for months. And then, finally the day of, I remember that I get something too!

Getting married brought on a new type of V-Day. Every day was romantic our first year, but after that, Valentine's Day is important because you almost have to force yourself out of the daily business of your relationship, to be lovey-dovey. To try and look at my beloved the way I did when we initially fell in love. When I became a cartoon version of myself, pupils became hearts, I floated on a pink cloud as a means of transportation, I spoke octaves higher and everything I said began with a sigh. Then I had a kid and V-Day became a guaranteed date night, which is always desperately needed.

But the intimacy we expect from Valentine's Day doesn't happen when you get another box of chocolates, another dozen roses, another dinner out. It happens when your husband finally remembers that you like tulips (not roses) and mint meltaways (not Russell-Stover-chocolate-covered-shit-in-a-box). When he keeps it together for you when you're late for your reservations and lost because your sitter couldn't be on time for once. When you're singing Jimmy Eat World classics down the highway, flawlessly executing two part harmonies only a couple that is truly in love could do.

So I'm a lucky girl. I love Valentine's Day because I happen to have a lot of love in my life. I love my husband and Amelia, my family, my friends, my job and my coworkers. And I'm not too rebellious to be happy on V-Day. I kind of hate my current circumstances in life, but with these people, I still have a lot of love.

And I love Jill, even though she's far away!

33. Why we love men

1. They whistle while they work.
Men are hard workers. Sometimes you can't get them to leave the couch to help you fold clothes, and other times they throw on a pair of old boots and shovel the whole driveway. Then the neighbor's driveways. And then all the sidewalks in between. This isn't a great characteristic only because then you don't have to do it, but because it shows his innate persistence and determination. We love that men work hard.

2. They have hairy chests.


3. They are never too serious.


4. They love food, their moms, and their sisters.
Even a guy on a diet loves food. And pretty much any kind of food. It's not just fuel - it's something to look forward to at least three times a day. And even if she's a crazy lady, he loves his mom. She wiped he butt when he was little and now she can do no wrong in his eyes. It's good to know because you might be crazy at some point in your relationship and he'll stick around.

5. They get crabby when they're tired.
Yes, this can be so annoying at times. But it's elemental. "You're tired, babe. That's why you're being a turd." Then when a man admits that it's true, it's cute and we love it.

6. Think about sex at the weirdest times

7. Remember the most obscure childhood memories

8. They love love love their dog. Words cannot describe the way our hearts melt when they "accidentally" kiss their dog on the lips.

9. They know a thing or two about household repair.

10. They look even cuter than a newborn baby when they wake up, blurry-eyed, with bed head.

32. What to do when trapped inside with your partner during Snowpocalypse 2011

If you grew up in the midwest like us, you know every winter guarantees some things: snow days for public school kids, sledding on Bellybutton Hill, car doors freezing shut, building forts out of the plowed mounds of snow, pain in the shoulder from shoveling, salt ruining your boots, fun things being canceled, the taste of a wool scarf being tied across your mouth, the panic that goes through your body once you realize you can't turn your car wheels, people severely overreacting, that damn runny nose that won't let up... and boredom.

While half of America is coping with the horrors of blizzards and being snowed in, we'd like to tackle the boredom. What do you do when you're trapped indoors with your snow bunny?


1. Have sex. Duh.
2. Build a cozy igloo out of blankets and sheets.
3. Clean out your closet.
4. Get drunk at noon on cheap beer and whiskey.
5. Make a new dish using what you have: check out www.allrecipes.com and click on "ingredients" on the top of the page. Type in what you have laying around and cook together!
6. Watch home movies.
7. If your home movies aren't funny, join Netflix and stream a ton of classics over the internet.
8. Pull out your old CDs and blast them.
9. Break out the Nintendo 8-bit, and get to saving Princess Peach and kicking Fei Long's ass.
10. Turn your bathroom into a spa. Take a long bath, exfoliate, give each other massages. It's a good thing.
11. Catch up on your precious ZZZzzzzs.
12. Draw portraits of each other.
13. Throw on your favorite vinyl and juke around the house.
14. Curl up with a new book.
15. Bust out Jenga, Monopoly, Mouse Trap or any other favorite childhood game.
16. Make your own short film with props lying around the house and snag anyone available to make a cameo.
17. Give your pet a much needed bath.
18. Have sex again.
19. Create a dance routine.
20. Bundle up, go outside and play in that damn snow!

31. A triumphant return / It's game time!

We abandoned you. We're sorry. If you kept up with Relationshipmates, you would know that girls can be flighty. And as advanced as we like to think we are, normal ol' girls we remain. Here's a quick synopsis of what's been happening in our lives: we went to Las Vegas together with six of our best girlfriends and got a lot of material for this blog, Jill turned 24 and moved to Philadelphia with her sister, Erica turned 25 (went to Philly for her b-day) and started working as a waitress so she can someday move herself and her family out of her parents' basement. We started our blog, Pengals, exchanging ideas mostly about food or serving, or how much we miss each other.

We don't know what the future holds, but we've heard so many "I miss Relationshipmates" comments lately that we felt it necessary to come back. Maybe not at the speed we once held, but there are just things that need to be said. And why not us? A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

So please send us your relationship inquiries! E-mail us! Facebook us! Run us down with your cars screaming, "Why won't my boyfriend shave his back?!"

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What makes you swoon? Is it the "yawn-stretch-arm-on-your-shoulder" move? Oh yeah baby... I love it when you have to pretend to yawn in order to make physical contact with me. Or maybe it's a great pick-up like like, "I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock." You're right - you're not Fred Flintstone. Fred had a little something called class. An old school attribute called respect for a lady. Every guy has to play the game. Some are great. Those are the not-so-great-looking boys that somehow always have the attention of several pretty females. And some are terrible. They are the inventors of the "sneak freak." Creeping up behind you at the club, groin to ass action, and when you ask, "What the hell?" they decide now's a good time to introduce themselves. Why do guys have no game?


Erica: I've heard a lot of lines in my day. I've had a guy talk my ear off about how his ex broke his heart and he just wants to get over her then and there. Another guy challenged me to a game of "who can kiss who first." He lost (on purpose). It worked. And yet another guy would just blurt out something obscene, crossing the line, then just cover his mouth like he couldn't control himself. He had to say, "Your ass is great." Some sort of sexy turrets?

Maybe the internet has killed a man's ability to communicate with a woman when she's standing in front of him. Maybe girls have lost their senses of humor. These things are just obstacles to overcome. Most guys take to ignoring a broad all night then friend requesting her the next day. "Remember me?" Of course not, you halfwit. You stood by the keg all night as if you pitched in and were protecting the precious booty. So if most guys pull that crap, our male readers take note - use this to your advantage. If you do just strike up a little conversation, you're already a step ahead of the competition.

The way it's supposed to work is you see her, you like her, you go talk to her (about normal things like weather, work, school, etc.) and pheromones do the rest. Maintaining eye contact is hard and often awkward, but it will literally make all the difference in this being a successful encounter or not. If you don't hear a word she says but you're looking at her eyes and nodding once in a while, I'd say you did a damn good job. Trust me, if she's feeling it, her mouth is talking on autopilot and she thinking, "He's starring right into my soul!" And don't try to be cool, or macho, or hilarious, or anything you're actually not. Just act like a regular, nice guy. Compliment her even if you don't really know her.

You might sense a little bit of sexism tonight in our post. You might be thinking, "Why can't a girl put forth an effort?" She can. But chances are, she won't. Her getting dressed and putting on make-up was all the effort she plans on having to do. Maybe entering her phone number into your phone, too, but that's all. Sorry bros.

Jill: Man, it's good to be back to the ol' stomping grounds of Relationshipmates. Erica's right: It is time to resurrect you, baby!

So... guys with game (or lack thereof). Being a single lady myself means I am predictably the unabashed bystander and recipient of failed romantic gestures. Just recently, Erica and I were at a friend's birthday party in Philly. As usual, we brought down the house with our outlandish and sexy dance moves. Partying on 'til the wee hours of the morn, we noticed one shy guy who had yet to introduce himself sharing the dance floor with us. He was an alright dancer, but hey, at least he was dancing. Trying to make a go for our car at about 2 a.m., said mystery man followed us into the street wearing socks, inquiring about where he was going to stay that night. Taken aback, Erica and I didn't know this guy from Adam, or that his name could have been Adam...or Steve, or John, or Christian. He gave us some crybaby story about having to sleep on the couch that night, stumbling around like a fool in the cold with his socks. Erica and I being the tough broads we were spoke straight. "We didn't talk to you the whole night. We don't even know your name. You tried to sneak up behind us on the dance floor, and now you wanna come home with us? Go back inside you sock-wearing, no-named sissy!" we chanted in unison.

What could be said of this, and countless other failed attempts of one-night stands? If you're praying to get lucky, the least you can do is conversate. Spark the bitch's interest, for crying out loud! Introduce yourself. It's easy:

Anonymous Get Lucky Hopeful: "Hey, I'm Pete. What's your name?"

Me: "Jill."

AGLH: "Come here often?"
Jill: "Aglh..."

Sometimes that's all it takes. Probably not, but AT LEAST it's a start! Things have to continue clicking in an interesting manner the rest of the night, but you can't possibly hope to forge a relationship with any level-minded woman without even saying two words to her all evening. We're not all post-break up depressed whores looking for a booty call. Talk to us like a human being. Is it that hard? If you just need to break the ice a little and don't know where to start, you can always fall back on some classic advice to get our engines purring:

See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin'
And I got just the one, somethin' to show ya that you are second to none
To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress
It's easy to do just follow these steps:

1. Cut a hole in a box
2. Put your junk in that box
3. Make her open the box

And that's the way you do it.

Vacation

We have been living it up, celebrating the 4th of July at opposite ends of the country (Erica: Michigan, Jill: Florida), and just wanted to say hey and we'll be back soon!

Oh, and remember our guest blogger Matt? He's on Big Brother this season! Make sure you check him out Thursday night on CBS.

30. Meet the Rents

Erica: Meeting the parents... drying off sweaty palms for the first handshake with pops, shirt tucked in and buttoned up high as to not look trampy, hoping you don't have to choke down a mom-made ethnic meal, and praying to the relationship gods that they don't ask, "What are your intentions with my daughter/son?"

I haven't had many boyfriend/parent encounters that weren't awkward. When Dan met my parents, he actually had just paid for me to get my lip pierced, so that left a bad taste in their mouth. In high school, I introduced a new boyfriend to my Dad and they continued to talk about vintage cars for an hour while I sat silently. It was like I introduced my Dad to his new boyfriend. And another time in high school, my dog (Serenity, may she rest in canine peace) started scooting her butt across the floor in front of us and my Dad told my new boyfriend, "Erica taught her how to do that!"


Jill: Meeting parents. I’ve definitely had some odd encounters, but none that haven’t taught me a lesson.

Before meeting my last boyfriend’s parents, he said he wanted to wait a while, because whoever got introduced to the family meant they were going to stick around for a while, if not forever. As it turns out, that night, he sprung the meeting on me. He changed his mind, and an impromptu meeting session was in store. Being my normal clever and witty self, I pulled it off seamlessly, even cracking a few jokes to break the tension about being different races. All was good.

When he met my parents, it was after a late night out while home on break from college. My parents were loaded drunk, watching and singing along to a Neil Young concert from the couch. I was pretty mortified, but we always had a good laugh about it.


Here are our combined guidelines to introducing your parents to your boo, and for you meeting your potential in-laws (after all, they may become just that).

Guide to Meeting the Parents:

1. Arrangement - No surprises! Your parents and your partner should know what they’re stepping into. That way the element of shock, discomfort and embarrassment can be avoided, or at least lessened.

2. Timing - Meet each other's parents as early on in the relationship as possible, ideally when you're still just friends. Parents love knowing you're out with someone whose name they've been hearing for a while.

3. Timing again - Make the first meeting as short as possible, like 5 minutes tops. "This is ____, we're going to hang out for a few hours, and I just wanted to introduce you." Only allow a couple surface questions like, "What do you do?" or "Where are you from?" Have a quick escape. Nothing says nice to meet you like, “We have to get going to the movies. It starts in 15 minutes!”

4. Be your normal, polite self - Just be on good behavior. Smile a lot and say the things you learned in kindergarten like, "Nice to meet you," "Please," and "Thank you." Address the parents as Mr./Mrs. Don't add any unnecessary information into the conversation. It's better to be known as quiet than say something you didn't want to.

5. Do not talk down to or about your partner - When some people first meet other people in your life, they think the only thing they have in common is you. So they talk about you and sometimes that gets them to start saying things they normally wouldn't say. Don't say things like, "I'm so glad to finally meet you! Your son/daughter has been holding this off forever!" You're talking about their spawn which they deeply care for, so if you must say something, say things like, "Well you've done a great job raising ____." It compliments the whole family and they'll think you're observant.

6. After all is said and done, be honest with your partner about how it went. Assuming it went well, you can both exude a sigh of relief and move on with your day/night.

29. The Beast of Beauty

Jill: Pull the girdle tighter. Paint on the red lipstick (try to keep it off your teeth). Pluck, tweeze and squeeze. Shave, lather, rinse. Slip on your 4” heels (much to the dismay of the balls of your feet). Stuff the girls in their respective cups. Oh the wonder! Slip into those itchy, beautiful, mysterious lace panties. Stick in your bump it. Tease-n-spray. Grab your clutch and stumble out into the night. You. Are. Woman.

Ladies, you know the routine. If you’re not wearing heels, you’re not trying hard enough. You should have lost your pooch by now, because you in those shorts will look rather unsightly if you don’t. And won’t you get a pedicure, for god’s sake? Your nail polish is totally chipped, and we’re all judging.

Being a woman is hard. I got my eyebrows done a few months ago in a relatively nice salon. The woman Neda from Turkey (a fabulous cosmetologist, by the way) was going to town on my eyebrows. Trimming, plucking, tweezing. It hurt. We got to know each other little by little, yank by painful yank. She said to me, “You’re a low-maintenance girl, aren’t you?”

This occurrence got me thinking. I guess for the most part I am. I take care of what needs to be taken care of, occasionally paying special attention to certain areas. For example, this week I better work out my inner thighs: they’re getting jiggly. I should probably paint my toenails and wear heels to this one event. And next week, if I want to look good in that dress, it’s time for a haircut.

It’s normal. It’s upkeep and maintenance. If you want your car to run, you take it for an oil change. If you’re like me, you vacuum it out and wash it every couple months. But what about those people that run to Delta Sonic three times for a wash and wax? All the fixings?

Some girls though expect too much out of themselves.

One girl I know has 82 pairs of shoes. Not 82 shoes. 82 pairs. She doesn’t wear the same outfit in a 6-month cycle. A pair of expensive sunglasses can always be found resting on top of her head. Her nails are painted an immaculate color of deep maroon at all times. It’s 8 in the morning, and her hair falls in perfect hot roller tendrils down her back. She’s also never been on a date in six years, has a hard time making and keeping friends, and is the company laughing stock. Nice enough girl, just has her priorities mixed up.

I guess what I’m getting at is that getting gussied up every single day is more of a chore than it’s worth. It’s great to look presentable and pretty. But going all out every single day is totally bogus. Pick and choose your occasions, girls. Quit getting dolled up day in and day out. You’re making us truly beautiful, down-to-earth girls look bad. Not that we care about that sort of thing, because we’re down-to-earth. I know it won't get me anywhere by saying this (because you won't listen), but ladies, you don't need all those bells and whistles. You're beautiful with or without your highlights, designer bag and 5" heels. Just remember that next time you get dressed up to go to Home Depot.


Erica: Jill and I found ourselves in a bogus situation this weekend wearing some bogus shoes. We were sneaking around a reception hall in our mega heels thinking, "What the hell is wrong with us?" The bride herself was wearing hiking sandals! So why were we attempting to cha-cha slide through the night a measly four inches taller? Two rough hours later, we put some flippy-floppies on.

I read this quote from Dita Von Teese a while ago about how she chose to look the way she does because she can recreate herself (a blond gal from Michigan) into the Hollywood starlets she admired while growing up. With machines and science, wiring, chemicals, not to mention surgeries and silicone, and years of practice we can turn into the image of beauty. And then there's still something else we want to change.

Why do we do this? Does the pressure come from insecurities we have about ourselves? Is it from the hundreds of "sex sells" advertisements we're bombarded with daily? Or is it just to fit in with all the other women around us that do the same things every morning to look like themselves?

The truth is, it's too expensive and too time consuming to try and play keeping up with the Kardashians. And another truth you'll be happy to hear is that most guys, the guys that are worth getting dolled up for, don't even care. They just want you to be comfortable in your own skin. So do yourself and your guy a favor and relax. Even Marylin Monroe's iconic pink "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" dress is a size 14. You know the essentials - take a shower, pluck the eyebrows, roll on little mascara, and put on jeans - it does wonders. Think about that one girlfriend you have that wears too much makeup, spends too much money on ill-fitting clothes, and then you see her first thing in the morning after a slumber party without her mask, wearing sweats, looking amazing. Sure, these Frankenbeauties may get some attention you don't get, but it's bad attention. Attention that gets nice girls into big, fat trouble.

You're great the way you are. Only do things that make you feel better about yourself on the inside, not what forces you into some sort of mold. Anyone that tells you different or expects you to look like someone you're not, they're projecting what they want of themselves onto you. Keep it real, bitch.

28. Unique Romantic Ideas

Erica: I've often wondered why Valentine's Day automatically means a dozen blood red roses and a heart-shaped box of 90% jam-filled, yucky chocolates. What's with roses anyways? Rose petals are supposed to make me swoon? Well regardless of why romanticism has these stereotypes, there's always time to change them!

Even the most creative, thoughtful, smart guy can run out of ideas to surprise his girl to let her know how much he cares. He can say "I love you" hundreds of times a day, but at a certain point, we ladies need to be able too see and feel that you love us, not just hear it. So I've racked my brains trying to make the longest list ever of unique romantic ideas for you to use on your partner. Get ready to print this checklist out and cross them off one at a time. Even though this is geared towards the readers of the male persuasion, simple tweaking can turn these ideas around for women to use. And girls remember - the sneakiest way to let your guy know you want that sparkle in your relationship is to sparkle yourself, for him.

1. Get her name tattooed on you (recommended for the legally bound).
2. Foot rubs are better than back rubs.
3. Make a trail of string from wherever she is to the kitchen table, where you have prepared a meal.
4. Write down a story from early in your relationship and put it in her car/on the mirror.
5. Look through old pictures of you together.
6. Play your song randomly - and loudly.
7. Go on a walk and hold hands the whole time.
8. Purposefully go to a lame movie, sit in the back, and make out. Might I suggest Killers or Marmaduke?
9. Jump in the shower with her.
10. Plan an entire date, start to finish, for her.
11. Send her a letter in the mail.
12. Turn all the lights off in the house and hang out by candlelight.
13. Dick in a box.
14. When she's getting ready to go out, and looking at herself in the mirror, don't wait for her to say, "How do I look?" Just say, "You look so good." Or something similar. Extra points for saying "damn good."
15. After you shower, write a secret love message to her in the condensation on the mirror. So next time she showers, it will show up again. Avoid "I know what you did last summer."
16. Write a song for her. It can be silly, or short, or not even have words - just something that sounds like how you feel about her.
17. Hang out at a park late at night together.
18. Go to Borders, pick out a book, and read it together (out loud) before bed.
19. Sneak up behind her and give her a hug when she doesn't expect one.
20. Pick out a picture of her (or you together), print it out, and keep it in your wallet.
21. Take her out to celebrate everything and anything good that happened that day. Not getting a flat tire is a good enough reason to go out.
22. Get some chalk and write/draw her messages on the driveway.
23. Buy her some clothes and have her put on a fashion show, but you have to pick the runway soundtrack.
24. Next time she says, "What should I wear?" - recall what she wore during a special time together and ask her to wear that again. Even if she doesn't, she'll greatly appreciate you remembering.
25. "Make plans" to go out with your buddies, and then cancel them because you "just want to stay in" with your lady.
26. Send her dirty e-mails in the middle of the day.
27. Go to the local country club on a summer, weekend night and crash a wedding.
28. Tell her exactly what you want.
29. Sympathetically teach her how to do something you know how to do that she wants to learn how to do. (i.e. drive stick, play an instrument, bowling, swing a bat at the cages, change the oil, say something in a different language, etc.)
30. One word... PICNIC.
31. Two words... MIX TAPE.
32. Change the background of her computer to a picture of you... naked.
33. Plan an in-home mini-date: regular dinner, good ol' movie and cuddle, dancing and drinks.
34. Forward old e-mails/letters from each other again. Or print them up and get them bound into a love letter book.
35. Watch Titanic.

The trick is to not be cheesy. You know her. So do what she will like, not what you see in movies or think the general romantic idea is. She just wants to be around you and know how you feel about her. Sometimes you gotta risk being slightly embarrassed for her sake. She'll love you all the more for you feeling awkward and for putting yourself out there.


Jill: Wow Erica, what a comprehensive list! I don't know how I could ever top dick in a box, but here goes nothing:

1. Take her to her favorite local spots, the zoo, the beach, a baseball game.
2. Do something on the cheap: Watch a local softball game, and buy her a snow cone from the pushcart.
3. Have a day completely devoted to her. "Today, we do whatever you want." Even if that means lying in bed all day watching Kendra reruns. "Go Kin-dra!"
4. Tell her to close her eyes and take her somewhere meaningful.
5. Etch your initials in a tree at a nearby park or lake (my personal favorite).
6. Bait her hook.
7. Make her dinner. Even if you suck at cooking, it will be at least good for a laugh.
8. Brush off her car in the winter.
9. Move her car when you are out/at parties and somebody needs the car moved.
10. Collect little things that remind you of her.
11. Send her text messages when you hear something funny she might like.
12. For god’s sake, let her paint your toenails. Just once. She won’t tell anybody.
13. Plan a weekend away. This is seriously really important. Just take her somewhere nearby, or maybe a few hours away. A bed and breakfast for the night does wonders for the soul.
14. Make her pancakes.
15. Take care of her when she’s sick. Get all the fixings... a.k.a. - Vick’s Vapor Rub.
16. Let her sleep in on weekends.
17. Take her on a man-venture: fishing with just the two of you for the weekend, or a night at the casino (obviously teach her how to gamble).
18. Find out her favorite food, if you don’t know it already, and try to prepare it with your own flair.
19. Leave an “I love you” note on the counter on your way out the door to work.
20. If you’re musically inclined, play her a song as she’s drifting off to sleep.
21. Spoon.
22. Take a bubble bath together (if the tub’s big enough).
23. Pick out vinyl records at a local record store together.
24. Let her lay her head in your lap, then run your fingers through her hair.
25. Switch sides of the bed for a night.
26. Nap together.
27. Tickle her. Even if she threatens she will kill you, pee in her pants, etc. Just do it.
28. Share a bottle of wine, sit out on the deck, and just enjoy each others' company/conversation.
29. Or better yet, take her to a vineyard for a weekend (There’s plenty in Galena, Illinois and tons in Carbondale. They’re pretty much everywhere).
30. Talk a lot about good memories, scary dreams and what’s to come while lying down together before sleep.

27. Gift Giving for Dummies by Matt

We thought we'd try something a little different for today's post. We asked a good friend of ours' husband to be a guest blogger for us, and he graciously (yet... manly-ly) agreed. He's gotten his wife things ranging from a car starter to get her through the cold winter, to a mega trip to Vegas. So enjoy the male perspective on the art of gift giving.

Matt: Hey guys, pay attention…

I am putting my inherent masculine pride on the shelf for a moment and admitting that, being of the male persuasion, I (like you) know virtually nothing about pleasing a woman. If I do please her, it is out of sheer luck. What makes her happy one day may not make her happy the next. We never know, so we just cross out fingers and dive in. However, I am going to help you hedge the odds in your favor with my handy guide to buying stuff for the unpredictable woman that you love.

As guys, we all know that the gift we’d like to give (for any occasion and to anyone) is a gift card. It’s a perfect guy’s gift - easy to acquire and entirely practical. However, women don’t like practicality. Women will like the most useless, menial objects just because they’re “thoughtful.” Ugh! How do we become “thoughtful” men? Why don’t women just want a super-useful pre-paid piece of plastic with which they can buy anything their heart desires?! While I can’t explain the “whys," I can explain the “how to's."

I knew my wife wanted a phone for her birthday (for this sentence you may insert, “I know my significant other likes to shop at [insert store here].”). But I didn’t know specifically what type of phone to get (insert: “But I don’t know what dopey outfit she wants from the store.”). So I decided to creatively lure her to the phone store, and then let her pick! It’s a cop-out that benefits you both! I just gave her a card with a little clue in it on a piece of paper. The day before I hid clues that led to different places (around the house, into the car, to the mall, inside a plant at the mall, and to the phone store). When she got the final clue and made it to the phone store, I let her pick what she wanted. So just write some clues (it’s not hard), get her to the store she wants to shop at, and then let her pick out what she wants – you never even need to know what she specifically likes! It’s like a gift card that also elicits the appreciation that may lead to sex! Double bonus!!!

Another thing I’ve learned is that girls love when they know you were thinking about them. Guys can easily go through an entire day without ever thinking, “Hmm… is my girlfriend/wife thinking about me? Gosh, I really hope so!” This is not so with girls. So, if you can bring a little something home to your woman when you’re out (even something which any man would consider a blatant waste of pocket change), DO IT!

I was out of town the other week and walking through a toy store. They had these little stuffed animals called Ugly Dolls (www.uglydolls.com – free plug). I’d never heard of them, but basically they are like “reject stuffed animals.” Dirty, ugly little creatures, but each one of them has a tag on their ear that gives a background on their character. There’s a whole bunch of them for all different character types, so it’s a guarantee that you can find one of these to match any female personality. I was reading though them all and found one that completely reminded me of my wife, so I picked it up. All guys are thinking right now, “Dude – you totally could’ve bought like three beers for the amount you wasted on a stupid stuffed animal.” WRONG! (Well, not wrong about the cost of three beers.) That stuffed animal was NOT a waste. My wife’s face lit up, and she was way happy because of the fact that the doll made me think of her. I would pay that cost every day to make her that happy, and if you’re with the right chick then you’d do the same. Another VERY easy gift that makes you look MUCH better than you should for the effort involved. Cardinal rule: Just because you think a gift is a complete waste of money and is something you yourself would never want, that does not mean it wouldn’t make your woman thoroughly blissful.

Sometimes we, as men, over-think gifts. Just keep it simple. You’d be surprised. Although, I probably will never make my wife happy with another gift again after writing this, because I know she reads this blog and will now know all my dirty secrets. Oh well – if I had to sacrifice myself for the good of my fellow man, I suppose it was a noble cause.

26. If you like it, then you should've put a ring on it.

Erica: I don't particularly love Beyonce, and no one would claim that she's the reincarnate of Socrates, but ain't it the truth? If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it. The rest of the song lyrics go on to say something about... "I'm in a club dancing with this hottie, so don't be peanut butter and jealous because if you liked it so much, then you should have claimed me when I was yours." Sarcastic, pitch-perfect auto-tuned words never rang so true.

Ladies, I hate to say it, but if he did like it, he would have put a ring on it. You can argue, "He has commitment issues." Yeah, and he didn't like you enough to get over those issues. Almost every guy genetically has commitment probs, but the good ones just get over it. Because they love you enough to push aside those fears. Take a good look in the mirror. Do you want him, or do you want commitment? Because you obviously can't have both. Assuming you want this commitment, look again. Are you worthy of your dreams of marriage? Or is he worth forgetting about those dreams?

Guys, don't be ridiculous. I'm not telling you sink your savings into a cloudy, yellowish blood diamond so you can propose to your girlfriend just because you like her. I'm saying take the shit or get off the pot. Don't ever think you're good enough or she's strong enough to be strune along. She will leave, and it will be your fault for making her break. Be man enough to let her go, while taking responsibility, or give her what she wants. At least have a conversation that reassures her. "You know I love you and I've told you I'd like to be with you forever, but I just want to tell you that I'm still serious about us, and I do have plans to make this more permanent in the near future." You don't have to give anything away. Don't let her pick out a ring for herself. Make your intentions known. For goodness sake... Jay-Z put a ring on it!

So this is my plea to the boys with no balls - if you like it, put a ring on it. If you were looking for a sign, this is your sign. And it's not too late.


Jill: All women daydream about is the moment her boyfriend, soon to be boyfriend, hell even her first date will drop down on one knee and propose. Not that we’re entirely obsessed with the idea of getting hitched, but it’s the same urge that prompts us to wonder what our first name and your last name would sound like together. Explains a lot about our college - ahem, junior high notebooks, doesn’t it?

And so Beyonce wrote a song. The song of all songs really. An anthem for single women hoping to get married everywhere. Finally something to replace "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" during the bouquet toss. The swan song for the soon-to-be bagged.

Men, it’s simple. If you like it, then put a ring on it. Women get antsy after a while. While being your girlfriend sure is nice, it’s nicer to have some future stability to rely on. When moms, sisters, uncles and other obscure relatives ask, “So what’s going on with John anyway?” it sounds (and feels) better to say, “We’re hoping to get married and settle down,” rather than, “He’s still trying to figure things out, and I’m supportive of that.”

Don’t get me wrong: being supportive is totally important. It’s basically the pinnacle of any relationship. However being supportive of your partner’s “need” to wait and figure things out while you can’t stop picturing your wedding photos on your desk may signal your need for a bigger commitment. And usually, it’s not you being crazy, or obsessed with marriage. It simply means you’re ready and maybe he’s not. If your man truly loves you, he should do whatever it takes to be ready. If not, let him go. He’ll have 99 problems, but a bitch won’t be one.

06.14.10 Update

Hello lovelies! We just wanted to take a quick minute to tell you that we so greatly appreciate every single one of you for reading and commenting on (digitally or in person) our little blog. We work pretty hard to pump out a couple articles every week, and knowing that someone reading them is the icing on our cake. And if one of you takes something positive from what we write, then we've done what we set out to do.

With that said, we're working on getting you some great male guest bloggers, racier topics, and hopefully a brand new interactive, flashy-flash website. So we're looking forward to the fun and new season. Keep the comments coming and send us some e-mails with relationship problems you're facing or see your friends facing!

Photo credits: Katie C.
Bathroom credits: Stacy & Matt H.

25. Pretty Petty Arguments

Erica: I can't remember any of the stupid arguments I've had in love and life for one simple reason. Because all those arguments truly are stupid. Trivial. Unimportant. A waste of time. Obtuse. There are so many things in life worth getting upset about - oil spills, racism, inequality, puppy mills... Why does it seem like the things we should pay attention to, we ignore? And the things that don't matter, we obsess over and bring back to life for years after they should have been squashed? We choose to disregard dozens of snide, hurtful comments because, "Oh he doesn't mean it." And we go crazy about shoes on the couch. Which one is truly more disrespectful, and most likely an indicator of someone's true intentions?

When a stupid argument begins, the best idea is to look it in the ugly mug and end it. "It's okay. I know you didn't mean to trudge through the house with mud on your shoes, but can you just remember to take them off so we don't have to clean it up again? I'd rather make out than clean." Get to the bottom of these seemingly small issues, both you and your partner. Why do certain things really bother you? Why do you feel the need to criticize? Why can't you forget about some things? And when your partner explains their reasoning as to why they were upset, you have to try to the believe them - even if it's a ridiculous excuse. Maybe just hearing yourselves say why you're actually upset, you'll won't get upset about it the next time. But go with your gut. If they tell you, "I just care about you so much," but you know that they're just trying to control you, call them out on it. That's an argument worth having.

The good news about life is that the older you get and the more experience you have with people, the less you care about these trivial arguments. If someone in your life likes hanging on to these silly little things, then it might be time to just let them go.

Jill:

Argument 1: She was “hovering” in the kitchen, meaning she didn’t trust him to cook dinner.
Reality: He feels insecure being watched, and she's just trying to help.

Argument 2: She nags him again about when he is going to get a job.
Reality: He doesn't want to face possible rejection, and she's worried that he has no motivation.

Argument 3: He’s angry that she doesn’t brush her teeth three times a day, especially before bed.
Reality: She's offended that he thinks she doesn't take care of herself, and he just worries about her dental hygiene.

Argument 4: She’s upset he doesn’t go to bed at a reasonable hour during the workweek, then sleeps away time they could have spent together during the weekend.
Reality: He doesn't like being told what to do, and she just wants to spend time with him.

At the time, these arguments seemed pretty valid. Yet, trivial issues fire us up and bring out the Mr. Hyde in us all. Horrible arguments usually conjure themselves out of thin air, escalating from an issue that’s so trivial, you normally don’t even think about it.

How do you avoid such arguments? It’s difficult to predict. If you feel like your partner continuously picks fights with you, you have to consider showing them the door, because it’s a completely unhealthy situation. Is this a person you want to share a life with? Someone who nitpicks your every move, starting a fight over something ridiculous?

Let’s consider valid arguments, though. Let’s say your girlfriend is still talking to her ex-boyfriend. She insists they are ‘just friends,” but it rubs you the wrong way and makes you uncomfortable. After approaching her about it, she gets hostile, defensive. A fight ensues and lasts for days, even weeks. How do you deal?

My best advice is approach it with a level head. If you are out of your mind angry about an issue, of course the person you are trying to be reasonable with isn’t going to perceive you as reasonable. You’ll look like you’re attacking your partner, rather than trying to prove an important point. Keep your cool. They’re more likely to listen if you’re not screaming so loud you can’t even hear yourself talk. Discuss why things upset you. Be reasonable, with an open mind and heart. If said girl you are trying to work things out with becomes irate and banishes you to the couch for a week over it, face the cold hard fact: your r-ship has sunk.

24. Cohabitation

Let's say you're a dude in a monogamous, serious relationship. And let's say your lease is about to end in a month. Your apartment reeks of curry from the Indian place three blocks down, and a unique scent from the tire plant that can only be described as... intrusive. Your current roommate thinks he can indeed play the bongos, and says doing dishes makes him "feel icky." Across town, your lady friend keeps a tidy, candle-and-lotion-filled home. Her roomie thinks any sound louder than "mute" is too loud, and yet has a sick obsession with Justin Bieber. You're over at her place all the time anyways! All signs point to cohabitation.

Jill: Living together. It’s not easy.

Cohabitation in its most basic form is creating a living habitat with another human being. It’s not easy for lions or other animals of the wild. Why should it be any easier for us? After all, we are animals.

It’s like this. People have rituals. They have certain ways they go about things in order to keep their lives maintained, balanced and manageable. For example, call me strange, but every night before going to bed, I have a little ritual. The bed kind of has to be in order before it’s in sleeping conditions. Pillows fluffed and in the right order. Sheet under comforter. Bed perfectly made and turned down. Even if I didn’t make my bed that day, I make it before I get in it and turn it down. Weird, ok? I admit that. Now take this one 3 minute thing I do. Times that by about 200. And add another person to it with their own things they do. Now imagine living together and the problems we all face.

It’s difficult. Making your (my) place our place takes a willingness to compromise, to bite the bullet and deal with a lot of the inconsistencies you may encounter. Because after all, a lot of fights arise from things being done in a way that you’re not used to.

Remember, this is your partner, not your sibling. It’s not ok to run to the bathroom and try to get in the shower first, throw their towel on the floor, lock them out and say, “Me first!” It’s not ok to use up all the hot water on purpose. It’s not ok to leave the dishes for the next person who comes along to do them. Treat your partner and their preferences with respect where respect is due. As long as they show you the same respect, you won’t keep finding each other utterly incompatible living mates.

Erica: Cohabitation means you live with your partner. You take your two living spaces and make them into one home. For some people, it seems like an obvious solution to the problem of taking their relationship to the next step. Others feel that cohabiting is a death sentence, an unnecessary risk that puts the r-ship in real danger, and should be saved for marriage because, well... you can't just divorce someone because they're a terrible roommate without sounding like a douche.

I've seen couples move in together, break up, and have to sleep in the same bed until their lease was over. Be prepared for that to happen. I've seen other couples move in and realize that it solved a lot of problems. The only way to predict if living with your partner will be successful is to see if their past living arrangements worked out. Did they share a room with a sibling growing up? Are they still friends with their college roommate? Do they respect your personal space as it is? Can you even fit in a double together? If all these things fall into place, you could probably be happy living in the same close quarters.

But it won't be a walk int the park. Your partner will see sides of you that they normally don't. And you'll have to accept their oddities and not let them bother you. What are you going to do the first time you fall into the toilet because he left the seat up? How are you going to cope with cuts all over your face because she used your razor on her legs? And no matter how many times inconsiderate and in-adaptable things happen, some people can't break their habits! It's because when you're at home, you don't want to think. It's just a comfortable place that you go to in between work and play.

So in conclusion, get ready to bend. Hold on to the little habits that make you feel like you're at home, and let your partner have theirs. Split up the annoying chores and each of you do them at your own pace during the week. And when all else fails, get two twin beds.

23. Angry Men

Jill: While at a party last night, Erica and I were reminded of a phenomena, which certainly dates back to the beginning of time and has to be addressed.

Making a lap around the party before committing to a location, I found myself greeting the host of it. After feeling pretty good about our welcome there, I was pretty rudely almost smashed aside by an angry guy flinging a wooden gate open so fast, it fell off its hinges. More rage ensued (over what, I don't know) throughout the night. I observed him kicking around a red solo cup in the living room by himself, eventually coming to smash it under the weight of his shoe. Then, as I went to the bathroom upstairs, I found him sprawled on the floor, face down, having some self-induced tantrum. I asked, "Are you ok?" and received no answer, only a mere grumble as if to signify he was pissed and going to ruin everyone's night over it (he didn't).

What's with guys and anger? When they get mad, they get mega pissed and everyone's at the receiving end of their wrath. It's not fair to anyone, especially us girls at whom they are taking it out on (usually unrightfully so). You know a guy's angry when you see him huffing and puffing, tearing jerky from his teeth, punching walls and breaking inanimate objects. In other words, men almost always have to display their anger physically or else it doesn't resolve itself in their minds.

Women tend to keep violence to a minimum (for the most part) and just bitch and moan about shit that makes them angry. Albeit this is annoying, but at least its not physically dangerous or causing damage. Men feel some sort of urge to backlash, to prove that their anger is real. They really succumb to their anger, let it show and expect that someone's going to do something about it. But no one will. They have to find a way to cope and deal. Otherwise they'll just be pushed aside and brushed off by complete strangers like myself and that guy at the party, or scare away mates, friends and other loved ones with their irrational outbursts of anger.

Erica: The best example I can think of involves a man I know very well, a teething toddler, an ungodly hour, and a baby monitor. At about 2:00 AM, Amelia wakes up again, the fifth time since we put her to bed initially. Dan uncharacteristically grabs the monitor and whips it across the room, bursting it into three separate pieces. Now I was angry too. Extremely angry and tired. But did I think breaking something would do anything? Not only did it not help, it left me without a monitor all day the next day. Luckily, a replacement monitor is like $20 and Amelia started sleeping through the night (sometimes). We stopped worrying about giving too much infant Tylenol, I stopped denying that I have broke an electronic device or two out of anger, and we got over it.

Anger is the hardest emotion to deal with. Festering up inside of you, it eats away at your clear, sane thoughts. But does it always seem like a man's anger makes whatever is causing the anger ten times worse? It's utterly counter-productive. How rare is it to see a hole in the wall in a female's bedroom that wasn't caused from too many thumbtacks holding up boy band posters? Boys punch things, kick over shit, and on special occasions, spit when they're pissed. What does this do? Does it really make them feel better?

Maybe once they hurt themselves or break something, it releases some of that anger and they feel better. Or maybe men simply can't think of a better way to manage their rage. Either way, as a partner, standing in the path of destruction is not smart. And calling them out in the midst of the rampage is equally stupid. So wait out the extremeness of man's anger and have a nice chat afterward. Say things like, "When you get physical because you're angry, it makes me feel ____." Not, "Omg. You're a freakin' manic. Calm the eff down." Possibly he'll never be able to change that reaction to anger, but maybe he can divert it to a pillow instead of a wall. Or maybe he can attack those clogged gutters. Or have angry sex.

Fashion Faux Pas

We've compiled a list of fashion no-no's for yourself and for your partner to live by.


Jill:

1. Rat tail/mullet (see post on hair and shoes)
2. Looney Toons apparel. Like Tasmanian devil leather jackets. What the hell’s up with those?
3. Fugly saying and symbol shirts like “100% Devil” and “PARENTAL ADVISORY EXPLICIT CONTENT.”
4. Shirts that are supposed to be ironic, like “I’m with stupid” as the arrow points up toward the wearer.
5. Overalls. Period. Unless they are for work, in which case it’s all good.
6. Jeans that are so tight on girls, that their muffin top is the central focus of the outfit.
7. Heels without the heel.
8. Thongs hanging out of the back of a girls’ (or worse, guys’) jeans.
9. Horribly bleached/holey jeans.
10. The pseudo-hippie look that’s completely overdone. Think Nicole Richie circa 2007.



Erica:

1. Plaid shorts with a plaid shirt (trying to be too matchy-matchy)*.
2. Denim suits.
3. Having one outfit for going out and one outfit for staying in.
4. Men in jorts (jeans shorts).
5. Faux fur is not so cute. It's better than real fur. But but do not put your faux furs in your
washer and dryer. It will get ruined.
6. Guido apparel (Ed Hardy).
7. Men in diamond stud earrings.
8. Buttoning your button-up all the way.
9. Unbuttoning your button-up all the way.
10. Men rolling up their pants.






*Inspiration from Stacy & Matt

22. Feeling Trapped

What do you do when you feel suffocated under the weight of your relationship? Assuming that you feel trapped as you're emotionally uneasy, not physically crushed by your partner, here's what we say...


Erica: If you're in a dating, minimal commitment relationship, you can run. If you're married, don't run.

As with all relationship issues Jill and I advise on, our first step to managing is to be honest - with yourself and with your partner. Get to the bottom of this problem immediately. Why exactly do you feel trapped? Are you just bored? Jealous of others around you? In need of attention (not necessarily a bad thing)? Mourning the loss of the spark from your relationship? There are a million reasons you could feel trapped when you really aren't.

When you tell your partner how you're feeling, he/she will most likely become defensive initially. They might think you're blaming them. This is all just a reaction of feeling hurt because you're not happy, and that could come as a shock to them. If they respond fantastically, keep talking. If they don't, you might want to leave the conversation and come back to it once they've had time to process.

If you want to stay with your partner, assure them that you're not going anywhere and that you just want to deal with these feelings before they consume you. If you need a break from the relationship... well then, hey. You need a break. If you think you need to see life without your relationship, you just have to do it. And you should never feel guilty about it. If you're married, you have to do something. You have to get help somewhere. Go get some counseling, by yourself and with your partner. It will help you deal with current issues and the ones you're bound to face in the future. I don't have much to say about this other than you have to be in charge of your life. When you're unhappy, make yourself happy. Make your life better. Hopefully you have an awesome partner that wants what's best for you.


Jill: I saw a great article about this a few months ago on a relationship blog I follow. A reader wrote in expressing her dissatisfaction with her relationship status. It wasn’t that she no longer loved her husband, but felt “trapped” in the sense that she wasn’t able to experience things other than being a wife. Having had married early, the reader felt as if she “missed out” on the single life. She never, however, would cheat on her husband. She needed suggestions as to alleviate these feelings without harming her beau. I think the columnist gave great advice, and I will recap some of it here.

Firstly, it’s a very good sign that the woman realized what she was feeling and brought those feelings to light rather than let them lie dormant, risking a potential breakdown. When you find yourself in this situation and have assessed it thoroughly enough to know that you don’t want to break things off, you have to find healthy outlets in which to exercise your freedom. Explain to your partner what you’re going through. What’s likely is that your behavior is changing a bit, and your partner has noticed. Tell them that it’s nothing they did and that you will be needing their help to start feeling better about yourself and about your relationship.

Taking a “break” to do whatever you want is not quite in the cards. Think about it: You hate your job. Realistically, can you “take a break” from it longer than your 2 weeks without having eyebrows raised in suspicion? No. The best thing you can do is find better circumstances.

Engage in healthy activities. What do you like to do? Sing? Paint? Listen to music? Run? Research and get involved with groups or happenings that coincide with your interests. Maybe you just need a friend or something to get involved with other than your significant other. It’s healthy and normal.

Instead of sleeping around, now’s your chance to be more honest with your partner about what’s going on between you two and what can be done to fix it. Hopefully your partner is understanding and lets you engage in outside activities and without getting ruffled feathers. Plus, don’t forget your girlfriends. They’re like the magic elixir to getting you out of the rut you're stuck in.

21. The Mama's Boy

Well, we all know Grandma's Boy and agree that it's a funny movie. But what's not funny, at all, is a mama's boy. A mama's boy doesn't necessarily describe a man that is strictly loyal to his mother. It can be a sister or other person that has a grip over this not-so-lucky guy's life.

Erica: Dating a mama's boy is like owning a pet alligator. (Clarissa Explains it All, say whaaa?) It sounds totally great, but in actuality, it bites. You think you want a guy that loves his mom and says she's the greatest, helps her out all the time, talks to her daily. But then you realize you're dating the both of them. And then a tense moment in the relationship comes up, you find your partner siding with his mom, and you're all alone.

Moms are great, no one is denying that. They take you to the doctor when you're certain you've contracted the black plague, they make your favorite kind of cake on your birthday, they get you new clothes when school starts, and they always answer their phone. And how could they not? That classic Nokia ringtone is reverberating throughout Jewel 24/7. "Now let me put on my reading glasses so I can see who's calling before I answer..."

A mom definitely has a special bond with her son. He needs someone to hug him when he scraps his knee, she need someone to cuddle with because she's lonely. He needs someone to fold his underwear, she needs something to do because she's bored. All those things sound cute when he's eight, but when he's over 18 (and that's really pushing it), it's the most unattractive and immature thing to see. Shame on the mother that fusses over her son, and shame on the son that allows his mom to do things for him he could do for himself. It's pitiful to watch and disgusting to be a part of. It's some sort of sick... Oedipus complex... that a wife or girlfriend could never fully grok. And can you blame us? We hold ourselves up to a different standard than your mother does. So we should have our own standard anyways. And truth be told - there are things we do for you that your mom could never, ever do.

So when a tiff arises, who do you go home to at the end of the day? If it's your partner, make sure you side with her. If it's your mom... well then your relationship probably isn't going anywhere anyways. And to the ladies dating or married to mama's boys, I'm sorry, but I've never seen a man change his mama's boy ways. Not even Ray Barone.


Jill: I find the more a man is a mama's boy, the more he ascribes to the school of the subordination of women. This probably isn't true in some cases, but in my experience, I was constantly being compared to the Betty Crocker-esque wonder woman that was his mother. I'd often hear:

"Your mom doesn't do your laundry?"
"No..."
"Well she likes doing laundry, so I just let her."

To quote Erica, "Say Whaaaa?" I don't care if your mom likes to clean up after you, or likes to do your laundry, or likes to bake you a steamy-delicious quiche on weekday mornings! That doesn't act as a free pass to be a baby until age 25, and it also doesn't give you, a. bragging rights, or b. criterion on which to base your girlfriends.

Let's be honest. Once in a while, if I happen to leave my laundry in the dryer, my mom will fold it. I don't ask her to, and I certainly don't expect her to. And I would never, ever expect a boyfriend of mine to do the same. So what's up with you guys?

I'm a pretty handy girl. I don't mind helping out with laundry, picking up after you (so long as it's not all the time and you pick up after me once and a while) or cooking a yummy dinner for the both of us. But when you purposely seek out your mom to do these things for you, it's time to grow up.

Living on your own usually helps. It's then you learn that the dishes don't do themselves, and if you don't clean that clump of hair out of the drain of the shower, you'll be ankle-deep in your own filth. Usually this is enough of a slap of reality to get your ass into housewife gear.

I knew somebody in college that was so messy, when his mother came to visit, she spent most of the visit doing dishes, scrubbing down the stove, picking up random socks and even thanking me for taking care of the place once in a while. Hmmm. Somehow this doesn't translate into the most attractive attribute a guy can have.

I think it's important that a man has a good relationship with his mom, so long as it doesn't interfere with his expectations of you as a girlfriend or potential wife.

20. What if my partner has bad taste in music?

What if your boyfriend or girlfriend has bad taste in music? No, not different from your taste - straight up bad taste. Not, "He likes country, I like rap." More like, "She likes ICP and Heidi Montag, and I like sounds that don't make my ears want to commit suicide."


Erica: Say your whole relationship is lining up like the planets 2012. You have lots of other things in common - movies, education, food, values, sense of humor, etc. But whenever you get in the car, it's WWIII in the VW for who can get their iPod (or Zune) plugged in first. What to do, what to do.

Take it as just another r-ship hardship to be dealt with head-on. You've got to compromise, and hopefully your superior music taste will radiate onto your significant other. Is what their listening to just a guilty pleasure? Don't hold it against them if they just have to hear "I'm a Slave 4 U" once in a while, or crank "Bawitdaba" when it comes on the radio. You can't expect everyone to like what you like, however "superior" it may be, and you can't expect whomever you're dating to automatically take to your preferences.

Believe it or not, for a few years me and Dan had pretty much identical taste in music. Then I stopped lying to myself because I just can't deny pop, and there's nothing wrong with that. When I'm by myself, I listen to whatever speaks to me at that moment. Yeah, I still pull up some of Dan's go-to jewels, Iron & Wine or the New Amsterdams, when the time is right because it takes me back. But when Dan and I are sharing listening space, we trade off. One album for me (ladies first), one album for him. All under one circumstance - the other person can't hate what you want to play. And I mean hate like you hate getting a flat tire on the freeway. I've ex-ed a couple of bands, and Dan's done the same. And you'll be happy to know we both fully enjoy Justin Timberlake. (Remember, it's always sweet when it's your album turn and you pick one of your boo's favies.)

So in other words, don't freak out about what your lovely listens to in their own time. But when you're together, lean on your similarities. Find the compromise and use it.

Jill: What do you do when your beau has an awful taste in music? Luckily for me, all the guys I’ve been with have had a great taste in music and that taste rubbed off on me. I’ve been interested in guys whose musical pinnacle stretched no further than Dave Matthew’s Band (I love me some Dave, but there’s more to the world than “Ants Marching”). Side note on Dave fans –aka- Dave fans that give Dave Matthews Band fans a bad name: They just want any excuse to don their pseudo moccasins, khaki shorts and pastel colors and harp on about “One Sweet World.”

Anyway, your partner’s musical taste says a lot about who they are. Do they prefer acoustic songs? They’re probably pretty sensitive and in touch with their feelings. Heavy mental means they like to rock out and typically don’t give a f*ck. Progressive rock shows they’re ready to take on new styles and appreciate odd musical influences. Musical theater? Showy and sassy! Classical? Profound and artistic. Jazz music signals a free spirit, someone who likes to groove. People who love pop music enjoy staying current with the times. Every musical styling says something different. What does your music style say about you or your partner?

Evaluate the kind of music you love compared to your partners. Are there similarities/differences? Does your partner prefer sweet melodies to rockin’ solos? Do they consider Nickelback’s debut album a work of genius (Why am I always hating on Nickelback? Because they’re what’s wrong with the world)? If so, do like Lester Bangs in Almost Famous. Be a musical mentor. Let your lover borrow the Rolling Stones, Yes, Cars, Cure, Clash or Bowie albums you undoubtedly have. Time to explore new horizons, one sexy song at a time.