24. Cohabitation

Let's say you're a dude in a monogamous, serious relationship. And let's say your lease is about to end in a month. Your apartment reeks of curry from the Indian place three blocks down, and a unique scent from the tire plant that can only be described as... intrusive. Your current roommate thinks he can indeed play the bongos, and says doing dishes makes him "feel icky." Across town, your lady friend keeps a tidy, candle-and-lotion-filled home. Her roomie thinks any sound louder than "mute" is too loud, and yet has a sick obsession with Justin Bieber. You're over at her place all the time anyways! All signs point to cohabitation.

Jill: Living together. It’s not easy.

Cohabitation in its most basic form is creating a living habitat with another human being. It’s not easy for lions or other animals of the wild. Why should it be any easier for us? After all, we are animals.

It’s like this. People have rituals. They have certain ways they go about things in order to keep their lives maintained, balanced and manageable. For example, call me strange, but every night before going to bed, I have a little ritual. The bed kind of has to be in order before it’s in sleeping conditions. Pillows fluffed and in the right order. Sheet under comforter. Bed perfectly made and turned down. Even if I didn’t make my bed that day, I make it before I get in it and turn it down. Weird, ok? I admit that. Now take this one 3 minute thing I do. Times that by about 200. And add another person to it with their own things they do. Now imagine living together and the problems we all face.

It’s difficult. Making your (my) place our place takes a willingness to compromise, to bite the bullet and deal with a lot of the inconsistencies you may encounter. Because after all, a lot of fights arise from things being done in a way that you’re not used to.

Remember, this is your partner, not your sibling. It’s not ok to run to the bathroom and try to get in the shower first, throw their towel on the floor, lock them out and say, “Me first!” It’s not ok to use up all the hot water on purpose. It’s not ok to leave the dishes for the next person who comes along to do them. Treat your partner and their preferences with respect where respect is due. As long as they show you the same respect, you won’t keep finding each other utterly incompatible living mates.

Erica: Cohabitation means you live with your partner. You take your two living spaces and make them into one home. For some people, it seems like an obvious solution to the problem of taking their relationship to the next step. Others feel that cohabiting is a death sentence, an unnecessary risk that puts the r-ship in real danger, and should be saved for marriage because, well... you can't just divorce someone because they're a terrible roommate without sounding like a douche.

I've seen couples move in together, break up, and have to sleep in the same bed until their lease was over. Be prepared for that to happen. I've seen other couples move in and realize that it solved a lot of problems. The only way to predict if living with your partner will be successful is to see if their past living arrangements worked out. Did they share a room with a sibling growing up? Are they still friends with their college roommate? Do they respect your personal space as it is? Can you even fit in a double together? If all these things fall into place, you could probably be happy living in the same close quarters.

But it won't be a walk int the park. Your partner will see sides of you that they normally don't. And you'll have to accept their oddities and not let them bother you. What are you going to do the first time you fall into the toilet because he left the seat up? How are you going to cope with cuts all over your face because she used your razor on her legs? And no matter how many times inconsiderate and in-adaptable things happen, some people can't break their habits! It's because when you're at home, you don't want to think. It's just a comfortable place that you go to in between work and play.

So in conclusion, get ready to bend. Hold on to the little habits that make you feel like you're at home, and let your partner have theirs. Split up the annoying chores and each of you do them at your own pace during the week. And when all else fails, get two twin beds.

23. Angry Men

Jill: While at a party last night, Erica and I were reminded of a phenomena, which certainly dates back to the beginning of time and has to be addressed.

Making a lap around the party before committing to a location, I found myself greeting the host of it. After feeling pretty good about our welcome there, I was pretty rudely almost smashed aside by an angry guy flinging a wooden gate open so fast, it fell off its hinges. More rage ensued (over what, I don't know) throughout the night. I observed him kicking around a red solo cup in the living room by himself, eventually coming to smash it under the weight of his shoe. Then, as I went to the bathroom upstairs, I found him sprawled on the floor, face down, having some self-induced tantrum. I asked, "Are you ok?" and received no answer, only a mere grumble as if to signify he was pissed and going to ruin everyone's night over it (he didn't).

What's with guys and anger? When they get mad, they get mega pissed and everyone's at the receiving end of their wrath. It's not fair to anyone, especially us girls at whom they are taking it out on (usually unrightfully so). You know a guy's angry when you see him huffing and puffing, tearing jerky from his teeth, punching walls and breaking inanimate objects. In other words, men almost always have to display their anger physically or else it doesn't resolve itself in their minds.

Women tend to keep violence to a minimum (for the most part) and just bitch and moan about shit that makes them angry. Albeit this is annoying, but at least its not physically dangerous or causing damage. Men feel some sort of urge to backlash, to prove that their anger is real. They really succumb to their anger, let it show and expect that someone's going to do something about it. But no one will. They have to find a way to cope and deal. Otherwise they'll just be pushed aside and brushed off by complete strangers like myself and that guy at the party, or scare away mates, friends and other loved ones with their irrational outbursts of anger.

Erica: The best example I can think of involves a man I know very well, a teething toddler, an ungodly hour, and a baby monitor. At about 2:00 AM, Amelia wakes up again, the fifth time since we put her to bed initially. Dan uncharacteristically grabs the monitor and whips it across the room, bursting it into three separate pieces. Now I was angry too. Extremely angry and tired. But did I think breaking something would do anything? Not only did it not help, it left me without a monitor all day the next day. Luckily, a replacement monitor is like $20 and Amelia started sleeping through the night (sometimes). We stopped worrying about giving too much infant Tylenol, I stopped denying that I have broke an electronic device or two out of anger, and we got over it.

Anger is the hardest emotion to deal with. Festering up inside of you, it eats away at your clear, sane thoughts. But does it always seem like a man's anger makes whatever is causing the anger ten times worse? It's utterly counter-productive. How rare is it to see a hole in the wall in a female's bedroom that wasn't caused from too many thumbtacks holding up boy band posters? Boys punch things, kick over shit, and on special occasions, spit when they're pissed. What does this do? Does it really make them feel better?

Maybe once they hurt themselves or break something, it releases some of that anger and they feel better. Or maybe men simply can't think of a better way to manage their rage. Either way, as a partner, standing in the path of destruction is not smart. And calling them out in the midst of the rampage is equally stupid. So wait out the extremeness of man's anger and have a nice chat afterward. Say things like, "When you get physical because you're angry, it makes me feel ____." Not, "Omg. You're a freakin' manic. Calm the eff down." Possibly he'll never be able to change that reaction to anger, but maybe he can divert it to a pillow instead of a wall. Or maybe he can attack those clogged gutters. Or have angry sex.

Fashion Faux Pas

We've compiled a list of fashion no-no's for yourself and for your partner to live by.


Jill:

1. Rat tail/mullet (see post on hair and shoes)
2. Looney Toons apparel. Like Tasmanian devil leather jackets. What the hell’s up with those?
3. Fugly saying and symbol shirts like “100% Devil” and “PARENTAL ADVISORY EXPLICIT CONTENT.”
4. Shirts that are supposed to be ironic, like “I’m with stupid” as the arrow points up toward the wearer.
5. Overalls. Period. Unless they are for work, in which case it’s all good.
6. Jeans that are so tight on girls, that their muffin top is the central focus of the outfit.
7. Heels without the heel.
8. Thongs hanging out of the back of a girls’ (or worse, guys’) jeans.
9. Horribly bleached/holey jeans.
10. The pseudo-hippie look that’s completely overdone. Think Nicole Richie circa 2007.



Erica:

1. Plaid shorts with a plaid shirt (trying to be too matchy-matchy)*.
2. Denim suits.
3. Having one outfit for going out and one outfit for staying in.
4. Men in jorts (jeans shorts).
5. Faux fur is not so cute. It's better than real fur. But but do not put your faux furs in your
washer and dryer. It will get ruined.
6. Guido apparel (Ed Hardy).
7. Men in diamond stud earrings.
8. Buttoning your button-up all the way.
9. Unbuttoning your button-up all the way.
10. Men rolling up their pants.






*Inspiration from Stacy & Matt