30. Meet the Rents

Erica: Meeting the parents... drying off sweaty palms for the first handshake with pops, shirt tucked in and buttoned up high as to not look trampy, hoping you don't have to choke down a mom-made ethnic meal, and praying to the relationship gods that they don't ask, "What are your intentions with my daughter/son?"

I haven't had many boyfriend/parent encounters that weren't awkward. When Dan met my parents, he actually had just paid for me to get my lip pierced, so that left a bad taste in their mouth. In high school, I introduced a new boyfriend to my Dad and they continued to talk about vintage cars for an hour while I sat silently. It was like I introduced my Dad to his new boyfriend. And another time in high school, my dog (Serenity, may she rest in canine peace) started scooting her butt across the floor in front of us and my Dad told my new boyfriend, "Erica taught her how to do that!"


Jill: Meeting parents. I’ve definitely had some odd encounters, but none that haven’t taught me a lesson.

Before meeting my last boyfriend’s parents, he said he wanted to wait a while, because whoever got introduced to the family meant they were going to stick around for a while, if not forever. As it turns out, that night, he sprung the meeting on me. He changed his mind, and an impromptu meeting session was in store. Being my normal clever and witty self, I pulled it off seamlessly, even cracking a few jokes to break the tension about being different races. All was good.

When he met my parents, it was after a late night out while home on break from college. My parents were loaded drunk, watching and singing along to a Neil Young concert from the couch. I was pretty mortified, but we always had a good laugh about it.


Here are our combined guidelines to introducing your parents to your boo, and for you meeting your potential in-laws (after all, they may become just that).

Guide to Meeting the Parents:

1. Arrangement - No surprises! Your parents and your partner should know what they’re stepping into. That way the element of shock, discomfort and embarrassment can be avoided, or at least lessened.

2. Timing - Meet each other's parents as early on in the relationship as possible, ideally when you're still just friends. Parents love knowing you're out with someone whose name they've been hearing for a while.

3. Timing again - Make the first meeting as short as possible, like 5 minutes tops. "This is ____, we're going to hang out for a few hours, and I just wanted to introduce you." Only allow a couple surface questions like, "What do you do?" or "Where are you from?" Have a quick escape. Nothing says nice to meet you like, “We have to get going to the movies. It starts in 15 minutes!”

4. Be your normal, polite self - Just be on good behavior. Smile a lot and say the things you learned in kindergarten like, "Nice to meet you," "Please," and "Thank you." Address the parents as Mr./Mrs. Don't add any unnecessary information into the conversation. It's better to be known as quiet than say something you didn't want to.

5. Do not talk down to or about your partner - When some people first meet other people in your life, they think the only thing they have in common is you. So they talk about you and sometimes that gets them to start saying things they normally wouldn't say. Don't say things like, "I'm so glad to finally meet you! Your son/daughter has been holding this off forever!" You're talking about their spawn which they deeply care for, so if you must say something, say things like, "Well you've done a great job raising ____." It compliments the whole family and they'll think you're observant.

6. After all is said and done, be honest with your partner about how it went. Assuming it went well, you can both exude a sigh of relief and move on with your day/night.

29. The Beast of Beauty

Jill: Pull the girdle tighter. Paint on the red lipstick (try to keep it off your teeth). Pluck, tweeze and squeeze. Shave, lather, rinse. Slip on your 4” heels (much to the dismay of the balls of your feet). Stuff the girls in their respective cups. Oh the wonder! Slip into those itchy, beautiful, mysterious lace panties. Stick in your bump it. Tease-n-spray. Grab your clutch and stumble out into the night. You. Are. Woman.

Ladies, you know the routine. If you’re not wearing heels, you’re not trying hard enough. You should have lost your pooch by now, because you in those shorts will look rather unsightly if you don’t. And won’t you get a pedicure, for god’s sake? Your nail polish is totally chipped, and we’re all judging.

Being a woman is hard. I got my eyebrows done a few months ago in a relatively nice salon. The woman Neda from Turkey (a fabulous cosmetologist, by the way) was going to town on my eyebrows. Trimming, plucking, tweezing. It hurt. We got to know each other little by little, yank by painful yank. She said to me, “You’re a low-maintenance girl, aren’t you?”

This occurrence got me thinking. I guess for the most part I am. I take care of what needs to be taken care of, occasionally paying special attention to certain areas. For example, this week I better work out my inner thighs: they’re getting jiggly. I should probably paint my toenails and wear heels to this one event. And next week, if I want to look good in that dress, it’s time for a haircut.

It’s normal. It’s upkeep and maintenance. If you want your car to run, you take it for an oil change. If you’re like me, you vacuum it out and wash it every couple months. But what about those people that run to Delta Sonic three times for a wash and wax? All the fixings?

Some girls though expect too much out of themselves.

One girl I know has 82 pairs of shoes. Not 82 shoes. 82 pairs. She doesn’t wear the same outfit in a 6-month cycle. A pair of expensive sunglasses can always be found resting on top of her head. Her nails are painted an immaculate color of deep maroon at all times. It’s 8 in the morning, and her hair falls in perfect hot roller tendrils down her back. She’s also never been on a date in six years, has a hard time making and keeping friends, and is the company laughing stock. Nice enough girl, just has her priorities mixed up.

I guess what I’m getting at is that getting gussied up every single day is more of a chore than it’s worth. It’s great to look presentable and pretty. But going all out every single day is totally bogus. Pick and choose your occasions, girls. Quit getting dolled up day in and day out. You’re making us truly beautiful, down-to-earth girls look bad. Not that we care about that sort of thing, because we’re down-to-earth. I know it won't get me anywhere by saying this (because you won't listen), but ladies, you don't need all those bells and whistles. You're beautiful with or without your highlights, designer bag and 5" heels. Just remember that next time you get dressed up to go to Home Depot.


Erica: Jill and I found ourselves in a bogus situation this weekend wearing some bogus shoes. We were sneaking around a reception hall in our mega heels thinking, "What the hell is wrong with us?" The bride herself was wearing hiking sandals! So why were we attempting to cha-cha slide through the night a measly four inches taller? Two rough hours later, we put some flippy-floppies on.

I read this quote from Dita Von Teese a while ago about how she chose to look the way she does because she can recreate herself (a blond gal from Michigan) into the Hollywood starlets she admired while growing up. With machines and science, wiring, chemicals, not to mention surgeries and silicone, and years of practice we can turn into the image of beauty. And then there's still something else we want to change.

Why do we do this? Does the pressure come from insecurities we have about ourselves? Is it from the hundreds of "sex sells" advertisements we're bombarded with daily? Or is it just to fit in with all the other women around us that do the same things every morning to look like themselves?

The truth is, it's too expensive and too time consuming to try and play keeping up with the Kardashians. And another truth you'll be happy to hear is that most guys, the guys that are worth getting dolled up for, don't even care. They just want you to be comfortable in your own skin. So do yourself and your guy a favor and relax. Even Marylin Monroe's iconic pink "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" dress is a size 14. You know the essentials - take a shower, pluck the eyebrows, roll on little mascara, and put on jeans - it does wonders. Think about that one girlfriend you have that wears too much makeup, spends too much money on ill-fitting clothes, and then you see her first thing in the morning after a slumber party without her mask, wearing sweats, looking amazing. Sure, these Frankenbeauties may get some attention you don't get, but it's bad attention. Attention that gets nice girls into big, fat trouble.

You're great the way you are. Only do things that make you feel better about yourself on the inside, not what forces you into some sort of mold. Anyone that tells you different or expects you to look like someone you're not, they're projecting what they want of themselves onto you. Keep it real, bitch.

28. Unique Romantic Ideas

Erica: I've often wondered why Valentine's Day automatically means a dozen blood red roses and a heart-shaped box of 90% jam-filled, yucky chocolates. What's with roses anyways? Rose petals are supposed to make me swoon? Well regardless of why romanticism has these stereotypes, there's always time to change them!

Even the most creative, thoughtful, smart guy can run out of ideas to surprise his girl to let her know how much he cares. He can say "I love you" hundreds of times a day, but at a certain point, we ladies need to be able too see and feel that you love us, not just hear it. So I've racked my brains trying to make the longest list ever of unique romantic ideas for you to use on your partner. Get ready to print this checklist out and cross them off one at a time. Even though this is geared towards the readers of the male persuasion, simple tweaking can turn these ideas around for women to use. And girls remember - the sneakiest way to let your guy know you want that sparkle in your relationship is to sparkle yourself, for him.

1. Get her name tattooed on you (recommended for the legally bound).
2. Foot rubs are better than back rubs.
3. Make a trail of string from wherever she is to the kitchen table, where you have prepared a meal.
4. Write down a story from early in your relationship and put it in her car/on the mirror.
5. Look through old pictures of you together.
6. Play your song randomly - and loudly.
7. Go on a walk and hold hands the whole time.
8. Purposefully go to a lame movie, sit in the back, and make out. Might I suggest Killers or Marmaduke?
9. Jump in the shower with her.
10. Plan an entire date, start to finish, for her.
11. Send her a letter in the mail.
12. Turn all the lights off in the house and hang out by candlelight.
13. Dick in a box.
14. When she's getting ready to go out, and looking at herself in the mirror, don't wait for her to say, "How do I look?" Just say, "You look so good." Or something similar. Extra points for saying "damn good."
15. After you shower, write a secret love message to her in the condensation on the mirror. So next time she showers, it will show up again. Avoid "I know what you did last summer."
16. Write a song for her. It can be silly, or short, or not even have words - just something that sounds like how you feel about her.
17. Hang out at a park late at night together.
18. Go to Borders, pick out a book, and read it together (out loud) before bed.
19. Sneak up behind her and give her a hug when she doesn't expect one.
20. Pick out a picture of her (or you together), print it out, and keep it in your wallet.
21. Take her out to celebrate everything and anything good that happened that day. Not getting a flat tire is a good enough reason to go out.
22. Get some chalk and write/draw her messages on the driveway.
23. Buy her some clothes and have her put on a fashion show, but you have to pick the runway soundtrack.
24. Next time she says, "What should I wear?" - recall what she wore during a special time together and ask her to wear that again. Even if she doesn't, she'll greatly appreciate you remembering.
25. "Make plans" to go out with your buddies, and then cancel them because you "just want to stay in" with your lady.
26. Send her dirty e-mails in the middle of the day.
27. Go to the local country club on a summer, weekend night and crash a wedding.
28. Tell her exactly what you want.
29. Sympathetically teach her how to do something you know how to do that she wants to learn how to do. (i.e. drive stick, play an instrument, bowling, swing a bat at the cages, change the oil, say something in a different language, etc.)
30. One word... PICNIC.
31. Two words... MIX TAPE.
32. Change the background of her computer to a picture of you... naked.
33. Plan an in-home mini-date: regular dinner, good ol' movie and cuddle, dancing and drinks.
34. Forward old e-mails/letters from each other again. Or print them up and get them bound into a love letter book.
35. Watch Titanic.

The trick is to not be cheesy. You know her. So do what she will like, not what you see in movies or think the general romantic idea is. She just wants to be around you and know how you feel about her. Sometimes you gotta risk being slightly embarrassed for her sake. She'll love you all the more for you feeling awkward and for putting yourself out there.


Jill: Wow Erica, what a comprehensive list! I don't know how I could ever top dick in a box, but here goes nothing:

1. Take her to her favorite local spots, the zoo, the beach, a baseball game.
2. Do something on the cheap: Watch a local softball game, and buy her a snow cone from the pushcart.
3. Have a day completely devoted to her. "Today, we do whatever you want." Even if that means lying in bed all day watching Kendra reruns. "Go Kin-dra!"
4. Tell her to close her eyes and take her somewhere meaningful.
5. Etch your initials in a tree at a nearby park or lake (my personal favorite).
6. Bait her hook.
7. Make her dinner. Even if you suck at cooking, it will be at least good for a laugh.
8. Brush off her car in the winter.
9. Move her car when you are out/at parties and somebody needs the car moved.
10. Collect little things that remind you of her.
11. Send her text messages when you hear something funny she might like.
12. For god’s sake, let her paint your toenails. Just once. She won’t tell anybody.
13. Plan a weekend away. This is seriously really important. Just take her somewhere nearby, or maybe a few hours away. A bed and breakfast for the night does wonders for the soul.
14. Make her pancakes.
15. Take care of her when she’s sick. Get all the fixings... a.k.a. - Vick’s Vapor Rub.
16. Let her sleep in on weekends.
17. Take her on a man-venture: fishing with just the two of you for the weekend, or a night at the casino (obviously teach her how to gamble).
18. Find out her favorite food, if you don’t know it already, and try to prepare it with your own flair.
19. Leave an “I love you” note on the counter on your way out the door to work.
20. If you’re musically inclined, play her a song as she’s drifting off to sleep.
21. Spoon.
22. Take a bubble bath together (if the tub’s big enough).
23. Pick out vinyl records at a local record store together.
24. Let her lay her head in your lap, then run your fingers through her hair.
25. Switch sides of the bed for a night.
26. Nap together.
27. Tickle her. Even if she threatens she will kill you, pee in her pants, etc. Just do it.
28. Share a bottle of wine, sit out on the deck, and just enjoy each others' company/conversation.
29. Or better yet, take her to a vineyard for a weekend (There’s plenty in Galena, Illinois and tons in Carbondale. They’re pretty much everywhere).
30. Talk a lot about good memories, scary dreams and what’s to come while lying down together before sleep.