17. "Let's stay friends."

Jill: Katie discussed this topic in length a few posts ago. But how does one deal with losing the friendship of a friend-turned lover? Not all lovers start out as such. You befriend someone and after several years discover a romantic attraction. Taking things further, though, is risky, because you’re putting your friendship that clearly works on the line for love.

Sometimes things work out and your lover is also your best friend. But as we all know, best friends often bump heads, meaning your relationship could meet and untimely demise. So how do you cope with losing their friendship that worked so well? How do you not want to beat yourself up for believing a relationship would work between you two when a friendship meant he/she could have stayed in your life forever, potentially?

Is this a case of, “It’s better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all?” As much as it sucks, I think so. There’s a reason you two decided to take things further. If it doesn’t work out and you beat yourself up for not being able to return to that friendship you once had, you’re belaboring a point that’s no longer relevant. Things progressed, and there’s nothing you can do about it afterward that’s going to bring the “old” friendship back. Things are different now. Accept it.

After accepting it, depending on how you and your ex lover/friend feel, you can maybe rekindle a friendship. For that, see the post on being friends with your ex here.

Losing a friend is like losing your dog. When he/she’s ready and loyal enough, they will come back. Just don’t take it personally if they get run over.

Erica: Here’s my rule when it comes to dating friends… if you can be friends, stay friends. But if you can’t stand not kissing them, take it a step further. Take that risk.

Or try this. It worked for me once. We were so-so buddies, bored, made out a few times, but then we decided being good pals was even better than randomly hooking up. So we stopped the freak sessions and we’ve been great friends ever since. Things don’t always work out that well, but I feel like as long as you’re honest with each other, it can work out. Don’t get in over your head.

I’ve seen the opposite happen. Friends, took it to the next level, never stopped, deep emotional involvement, went nowhere, and had to break it off. Although it didn’t necessarily end a friendship, hearts were broken. Is it worth the pain? I’d have to say yes. Plus, you have something hilarious to talk about when you’re both drunk. “Dude. ‘Member the time we made out?” Ah, memories.

If you and your friend-turned-lover have to end things romantically, make sure you create plenty of space between you. No talking about anything too personal, no random hooking up, and try to avoid running into each other. Time has to pass. This time will heal you and allow you to move on. If you don’t have to end things… enjoy your lovely friend-relationship!

16. She's fun, but is she the one?

If there's an opportunity to directly address our male readers, we grab it. By the balls. We were on vacation in St. Louis last weekend (thanks again Jodi, Josh, and Anthony), and came across a relationship in a pickle. This dude had to answer the question, "She's fun, but is she the one?"

Erica: First of all, I don't believe there is "the one." That would just be statistically absurd and I am not a romantic enough to actually accept that there is only one person on the entire earth that you could be happy with. But I do believe you can make a great decision when choosing a mate. Here's some qualities I think a woman should posses in order to be a worthy wife:

1. Yes, she is fun.
Does she make you laugh? Do you miss her when she leaves the room? Does she make an otherwise boring task not just bearable, but enjoyable? This will prove your personality compatibility. I'm not saying your potential wife has to be crakin' jokes and jazz-hand tap dancing all the time. I'm saying that you bring out the best in each other (the majority of the time), and just being around them puts you in a better mood.

2. She's independent.
If you want something to take care of, get a cat. If you find yourself dating needy women, you're not ready to be in any sort of marriage. It might feel good to be wanted so deeply at times, but if you take a solo trip, you'll find that if your partner can't function without you, then they're in no place to be in any relationship let alone a marriage. Trust me, you want a woman - not a child.

3. She's driven.
She makes plans, completes them. She sets goals and is taking steps to reach them. If your current lady-friend isn't very ambitious, when problems come up later in life, she's not going to be proactive in fixing them. She'll either ignore them or expect someone else to fix them.

4. She can cook.
So she has to be independent, but you want your wife to have caretaker tendencies. She must have the ability to let you be the man, and she has to have a sensitive heart. I don't think she has to literally cook... but you know what I mean. Cooking's just a perk.

5. She's not threatened by your family, friends, or job.
When you tell her she's #1, she believes you. She doesn't get upset when you talk to your mom on the phone, or if your buddies want to have a guys night. In fact, she encourages you to spend time with other people. She knows that she can't fulfill your every relationship need. And she doesn't think every girl that looks at you is trying to sleep with you.

6. She's hot by your standards.
She doesn't have to be a model. Let's be honest, guys like you don't wind up with models. But you have to be severely attracted to her, of course.

7. She makes you want to be better.
So although I don't believe in "the one," I do believe in the saying, "You'll know." Because you will know. You won't be asking me or Jill if she's it, you'll just know.

Jill: I agree with everything Erica said. Gentlemen, take a good look at your lady. Is she pushy, jealous, ugly on the inside? Narcissistic, pessimistic and generally mostly pissed-ed? Chances are these things means she’s not the elusive “one.”

Guys, you may be finding yourself saying: “But she can knock down PBR like a champ! And I’ve never been able to party with a girl like her! We smoke the same brand! She GETS me!” You need to grow up and see the above outline for what kind of woman you should be looking for. We're talking about wife material, not a female version of your bro.

She should have a kind heart and talk kind about her family and friends. If she’s upset, her reasons should make sense and be rational. She should enjoy going out and having her own life, but also make you a priority. She should be an overall cool person to bring around in nearly any situation. She can hang with the guys (that doesn’t mean make her all the time), talk to your little cousins, get along with your dog and avoid fights with your mom.

She should be fun, down for a good time, but doesn’t mind staying in with just the two of you. She doesn’t get jealous about arbitrary things and takes pretty good care of you. Basically, you know a good girl when you see one. They’re hard to find, but keep your eye open. We’re out there, you just have to know where to look. And don’t dump us for those witches who nag you but are stick-thin models. They’re fun for about a week until you realize you’re dating the pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside bitch in Shallow Hal. Then the joke’s on you.

15. Post-break-up-hook-ups

The post-break-up-hook-up. There's nothing like mending a broken heart with sexual healing from the person that broke it. What kind of hussies are we? Why do we do this?

Jill: Every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve hooked up after the break-up. Whether I did the dumping or I was dumped, time and time again, I ran back into the arms of my old lover. And I’ll tell you why. Because we’re stupid, we’re dumb, and hindsight’s 20/20. We know it’s bad for everyone mentally. But we do it anyway! And even knowing so, we’ll do it again next time!

The truth of the matter is, hooking up post break-up is perfectly natural. You shouldn't do it, but it feels right because you are with your lover once more. But something's missing...

It’s hard to end a relationship with someone you’ve been physically and emotionally close to. When things aren’t working out emotionally, that’s usually when things are broken off. Chances are, one person is still emotionally invested and willing to save the relationship, even the cost of their sanity.

Post break-up hook-ups are usually the best kind of sex, too. Risky, fun, adventurous, etc. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t work out. You roll over and are reminded why, exactly, it isn’t going to work. Whether its a commitment or trust issue or just general incompatibility, you’ll realize that great sex isn’t going to make up for the other missing aspects of the relationship.

In short, don’t hook up with your ex. You’ll probably do it anyway. But the good news is, hopefully you will learn from it, or the pain you experience from it, or the pain you cause your partner will cause you not to do it again in the future.

Erica: Post-break-up hook-ups seem like a good idea at the time. You're lonely since you've been single. Maybe put on a couple raw cookie dough pounds. You're not getting the attention you used to get from the other singles at the bar. You don't have anyone to go to brunch with, or anyone that will stay in to watch Saturday Night Live with. This time is tough but it is necessary. Hooking up with a recent ex is like slowly pulling off a band-aid, ripping out every hair it passes, instead of just tearing the thing up and getting it over with. Sometimes we make the pain last longer because we think it's less blunt.

Getting back together with an ex and doing just the easy parts of the relationship is just plain cheating. Yeah, it gets you off in the end, but it's like you're taking a step backward in becoming a more mature, well-rounded individual. Some of us are willing to take that hit, and I feel like if you think you can justify a post-break-up hook-up, go ahead and have that learning experience. Guys are better at separating emotions from sex, so guy readers might be thinking, "I could totally do that and feel completely fine with myself the next morning." But then you'll just be trailing her along, and she could get really needy. And that's just a terrible situation that no one wants. Ladies, you know it's too hard. Don't send your ex the wrong signals. The signals that say, "I don't really respect what we once had, and I don't quite respect myself either." Act like a floozy, even though you aren't - you're just lonely. You'll find yourself in a messy love web and you probably hate yourself for it.

As we've said before, they're called "break-ups" because they're broken. And like we've also said before, that ex-relationship can become a friendship with time and hard work, but trying to "relive the glory days" never works out well for either partner. Especially if the glory days weren't that glorious to begin with.