11. "Can I be friends with my ex?" by Katie, co-starring Jennifer Aniston

We asked our dear friend Katie to be a guest columnist today on a subject that she has mastered far beyond most women, or men for that matter. Most people don't marry the first person they date, so everyone inevitably has to deal with an ex in one way or another. It's not always the end of a relationship when you break up. It's hopefully the start of a friendship. This post will determine once and for all...

Can I be friends with my ex?


Katie: Yes.

“Can we still be friends?” This question is muttered through wet sobs at the end of a relationship. You went through pretty much everything together while you dated, so why deny the connection by not speaking to each other ever again?

Face it. At some point you are going to cross paths. It's inevitable. And what are you supposed to do? Ignore the fact that you dated and shared something special? I've been through this (a lot) and in order for this post-relationship friendship to work, you both have to be willing to put forth the effort. If only one person does, then you pretty much have a stalker situation, clinging to the past, and nobody wants that. When I say "stalker," I mean this one person is initiating by texting or calling the other person all the time. This can lead into a horrible thing. A big mess of he said/she said and then becoming enemies.

But not all relationships end that bad. In my experience, most of them end because one person isn't interested in the other person anymore. Whether they admit that is another issue. If your relationship has ended poorly, then maybe this does not apply to you. A friendship could be possible, but in the far off distance. So far that you can't see it right now. For those of us that run in the same social circles as our exes, we have to make it work or else it's uncomfortable for everyone around. So here's what has to happen:

Don’t rush. Something this delicate can't happen over night. It is all up to you and your ex to allow the proper amount of time to pass for any relationship-y feelings to naturally melt away. Love, jealousy, attraction, etc. And remember, just because your feelings are gone, doesn't mean your ex's are. Give them plenty of space and make them give you yours. Don't answer the phone, don't talk online, don't show up to every party if you have to. Then, slowly allow good feelings to fill in the gaps. When you can care about them in a non-romantic way, when you can have a short hug, when you can ask them how they've been and genuinely be happy for them, I'd say you're in a good place. A place set up for a friendship.

If you have been catching up each other for a while now, and he/she asks if you would want to go and get a drink, catch a movie, do a keg stand, etc., take them up on the offer - but do so cautiously. You probably don't want to hang out with your ex alone... at least for a while, and especially if either of you is in a new relationship. And make sure you're not sending out a signal you don't feel. When you hang out, bring some neutral friends along, signaling that you want to strictly have a friendship, nothing romantic.

Erica: And that's why we asked Katie to help us out. I pride myself in being friends with all my ex's, but I know how it can be sticky sometimes. It's definitely hard to "fake it 'til you make it" with someone you were so close with. But it is worth it! When you get to go to your ex's wedding and truly be happy for them and their new bride, it's so worth it.

Jill: Well said, Katie. I admire the fact that you can forgive your ex's beyond a reasonable doubt and consider their friendship. I'm not really friends with my ex's, but keep in touch from time to time. Like you said, if it's right for you, you'll know!