31. A triumphant return / It's game time!

We abandoned you. We're sorry. If you kept up with Relationshipmates, you would know that girls can be flighty. And as advanced as we like to think we are, normal ol' girls we remain. Here's a quick synopsis of what's been happening in our lives: we went to Las Vegas together with six of our best girlfriends and got a lot of material for this blog, Jill turned 24 and moved to Philadelphia with her sister, Erica turned 25 (went to Philly for her b-day) and started working as a waitress so she can someday move herself and her family out of her parents' basement. We started our blog, Pengals, exchanging ideas mostly about food or serving, or how much we miss each other.

We don't know what the future holds, but we've heard so many "I miss Relationshipmates" comments lately that we felt it necessary to come back. Maybe not at the speed we once held, but there are just things that need to be said. And why not us? A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

So please send us your relationship inquiries! E-mail us! Facebook us! Run us down with your cars screaming, "Why won't my boyfriend shave his back?!"

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What makes you swoon? Is it the "yawn-stretch-arm-on-your-shoulder" move? Oh yeah baby... I love it when you have to pretend to yawn in order to make physical contact with me. Or maybe it's a great pick-up like like, "I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock." You're right - you're not Fred Flintstone. Fred had a little something called class. An old school attribute called respect for a lady. Every guy has to play the game. Some are great. Those are the not-so-great-looking boys that somehow always have the attention of several pretty females. And some are terrible. They are the inventors of the "sneak freak." Creeping up behind you at the club, groin to ass action, and when you ask, "What the hell?" they decide now's a good time to introduce themselves. Why do guys have no game?


Erica: I've heard a lot of lines in my day. I've had a guy talk my ear off about how his ex broke his heart and he just wants to get over her then and there. Another guy challenged me to a game of "who can kiss who first." He lost (on purpose). It worked. And yet another guy would just blurt out something obscene, crossing the line, then just cover his mouth like he couldn't control himself. He had to say, "Your ass is great." Some sort of sexy turrets?

Maybe the internet has killed a man's ability to communicate with a woman when she's standing in front of him. Maybe girls have lost their senses of humor. These things are just obstacles to overcome. Most guys take to ignoring a broad all night then friend requesting her the next day. "Remember me?" Of course not, you halfwit. You stood by the keg all night as if you pitched in and were protecting the precious booty. So if most guys pull that crap, our male readers take note - use this to your advantage. If you do just strike up a little conversation, you're already a step ahead of the competition.

The way it's supposed to work is you see her, you like her, you go talk to her (about normal things like weather, work, school, etc.) and pheromones do the rest. Maintaining eye contact is hard and often awkward, but it will literally make all the difference in this being a successful encounter or not. If you don't hear a word she says but you're looking at her eyes and nodding once in a while, I'd say you did a damn good job. Trust me, if she's feeling it, her mouth is talking on autopilot and she thinking, "He's starring right into my soul!" And don't try to be cool, or macho, or hilarious, or anything you're actually not. Just act like a regular, nice guy. Compliment her even if you don't really know her.

You might sense a little bit of sexism tonight in our post. You might be thinking, "Why can't a girl put forth an effort?" She can. But chances are, she won't. Her getting dressed and putting on make-up was all the effort she plans on having to do. Maybe entering her phone number into your phone, too, but that's all. Sorry bros.

Jill: Man, it's good to be back to the ol' stomping grounds of Relationshipmates. Erica's right: It is time to resurrect you, baby!

So... guys with game (or lack thereof). Being a single lady myself means I am predictably the unabashed bystander and recipient of failed romantic gestures. Just recently, Erica and I were at a friend's birthday party in Philly. As usual, we brought down the house with our outlandish and sexy dance moves. Partying on 'til the wee hours of the morn, we noticed one shy guy who had yet to introduce himself sharing the dance floor with us. He was an alright dancer, but hey, at least he was dancing. Trying to make a go for our car at about 2 a.m., said mystery man followed us into the street wearing socks, inquiring about where he was going to stay that night. Taken aback, Erica and I didn't know this guy from Adam, or that his name could have been Adam...or Steve, or John, or Christian. He gave us some crybaby story about having to sleep on the couch that night, stumbling around like a fool in the cold with his socks. Erica and I being the tough broads we were spoke straight. "We didn't talk to you the whole night. We don't even know your name. You tried to sneak up behind us on the dance floor, and now you wanna come home with us? Go back inside you sock-wearing, no-named sissy!" we chanted in unison.

What could be said of this, and countless other failed attempts of one-night stands? If you're praying to get lucky, the least you can do is conversate. Spark the bitch's interest, for crying out loud! Introduce yourself. It's easy:

Anonymous Get Lucky Hopeful: "Hey, I'm Pete. What's your name?"

Me: "Jill."

AGLH: "Come here often?"
Jill: "Aglh..."

Sometimes that's all it takes. Probably not, but AT LEAST it's a start! Things have to continue clicking in an interesting manner the rest of the night, but you can't possibly hope to forge a relationship with any level-minded woman without even saying two words to her all evening. We're not all post-break up depressed whores looking for a booty call. Talk to us like a human being. Is it that hard? If you just need to break the ice a little and don't know where to start, you can always fall back on some classic advice to get our engines purring:

See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin'
And I got just the one, somethin' to show ya that you are second to none
To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress
It's easy to do just follow these steps:

1. Cut a hole in a box
2. Put your junk in that box
3. Make her open the box

And that's the way you do it.