17. "Let's stay friends."

Jill: Katie discussed this topic in length a few posts ago. But how does one deal with losing the friendship of a friend-turned lover? Not all lovers start out as such. You befriend someone and after several years discover a romantic attraction. Taking things further, though, is risky, because you’re putting your friendship that clearly works on the line for love.

Sometimes things work out and your lover is also your best friend. But as we all know, best friends often bump heads, meaning your relationship could meet and untimely demise. So how do you cope with losing their friendship that worked so well? How do you not want to beat yourself up for believing a relationship would work between you two when a friendship meant he/she could have stayed in your life forever, potentially?

Is this a case of, “It’s better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all?” As much as it sucks, I think so. There’s a reason you two decided to take things further. If it doesn’t work out and you beat yourself up for not being able to return to that friendship you once had, you’re belaboring a point that’s no longer relevant. Things progressed, and there’s nothing you can do about it afterward that’s going to bring the “old” friendship back. Things are different now. Accept it.

After accepting it, depending on how you and your ex lover/friend feel, you can maybe rekindle a friendship. For that, see the post on being friends with your ex here.

Losing a friend is like losing your dog. When he/she’s ready and loyal enough, they will come back. Just don’t take it personally if they get run over.

Erica: Here’s my rule when it comes to dating friends… if you can be friends, stay friends. But if you can’t stand not kissing them, take it a step further. Take that risk.

Or try this. It worked for me once. We were so-so buddies, bored, made out a few times, but then we decided being good pals was even better than randomly hooking up. So we stopped the freak sessions and we’ve been great friends ever since. Things don’t always work out that well, but I feel like as long as you’re honest with each other, it can work out. Don’t get in over your head.

I’ve seen the opposite happen. Friends, took it to the next level, never stopped, deep emotional involvement, went nowhere, and had to break it off. Although it didn’t necessarily end a friendship, hearts were broken. Is it worth the pain? I’d have to say yes. Plus, you have something hilarious to talk about when you’re both drunk. “Dude. ‘Member the time we made out?” Ah, memories.

If you and your friend-turned-lover have to end things romantically, make sure you create plenty of space between you. No talking about anything too personal, no random hooking up, and try to avoid running into each other. Time has to pass. This time will heal you and allow you to move on. If you don’t have to end things… enjoy your lovely friend-relationship!

16. She's fun, but is she the one?

If there's an opportunity to directly address our male readers, we grab it. By the balls. We were on vacation in St. Louis last weekend (thanks again Jodi, Josh, and Anthony), and came across a relationship in a pickle. This dude had to answer the question, "She's fun, but is she the one?"

Erica: First of all, I don't believe there is "the one." That would just be statistically absurd and I am not a romantic enough to actually accept that there is only one person on the entire earth that you could be happy with. But I do believe you can make a great decision when choosing a mate. Here's some qualities I think a woman should posses in order to be a worthy wife:

1. Yes, she is fun.
Does she make you laugh? Do you miss her when she leaves the room? Does she make an otherwise boring task not just bearable, but enjoyable? This will prove your personality compatibility. I'm not saying your potential wife has to be crakin' jokes and jazz-hand tap dancing all the time. I'm saying that you bring out the best in each other (the majority of the time), and just being around them puts you in a better mood.

2. She's independent.
If you want something to take care of, get a cat. If you find yourself dating needy women, you're not ready to be in any sort of marriage. It might feel good to be wanted so deeply at times, but if you take a solo trip, you'll find that if your partner can't function without you, then they're in no place to be in any relationship let alone a marriage. Trust me, you want a woman - not a child.

3. She's driven.
She makes plans, completes them. She sets goals and is taking steps to reach them. If your current lady-friend isn't very ambitious, when problems come up later in life, she's not going to be proactive in fixing them. She'll either ignore them or expect someone else to fix them.

4. She can cook.
So she has to be independent, but you want your wife to have caretaker tendencies. She must have the ability to let you be the man, and she has to have a sensitive heart. I don't think she has to literally cook... but you know what I mean. Cooking's just a perk.

5. She's not threatened by your family, friends, or job.
When you tell her she's #1, she believes you. She doesn't get upset when you talk to your mom on the phone, or if your buddies want to have a guys night. In fact, she encourages you to spend time with other people. She knows that she can't fulfill your every relationship need. And she doesn't think every girl that looks at you is trying to sleep with you.

6. She's hot by your standards.
She doesn't have to be a model. Let's be honest, guys like you don't wind up with models. But you have to be severely attracted to her, of course.

7. She makes you want to be better.
So although I don't believe in "the one," I do believe in the saying, "You'll know." Because you will know. You won't be asking me or Jill if she's it, you'll just know.

Jill: I agree with everything Erica said. Gentlemen, take a good look at your lady. Is she pushy, jealous, ugly on the inside? Narcissistic, pessimistic and generally mostly pissed-ed? Chances are these things means she’s not the elusive “one.”

Guys, you may be finding yourself saying: “But she can knock down PBR like a champ! And I’ve never been able to party with a girl like her! We smoke the same brand! She GETS me!” You need to grow up and see the above outline for what kind of woman you should be looking for. We're talking about wife material, not a female version of your bro.

She should have a kind heart and talk kind about her family and friends. If she’s upset, her reasons should make sense and be rational. She should enjoy going out and having her own life, but also make you a priority. She should be an overall cool person to bring around in nearly any situation. She can hang with the guys (that doesn’t mean make her all the time), talk to your little cousins, get along with your dog and avoid fights with your mom.

She should be fun, down for a good time, but doesn’t mind staying in with just the two of you. She doesn’t get jealous about arbitrary things and takes pretty good care of you. Basically, you know a good girl when you see one. They’re hard to find, but keep your eye open. We’re out there, you just have to know where to look. And don’t dump us for those witches who nag you but are stick-thin models. They’re fun for about a week until you realize you’re dating the pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside bitch in Shallow Hal. Then the joke’s on you.

15. Post-break-up-hook-ups

The post-break-up-hook-up. There's nothing like mending a broken heart with sexual healing from the person that broke it. What kind of hussies are we? Why do we do this?

Jill: Every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve hooked up after the break-up. Whether I did the dumping or I was dumped, time and time again, I ran back into the arms of my old lover. And I’ll tell you why. Because we’re stupid, we’re dumb, and hindsight’s 20/20. We know it’s bad for everyone mentally. But we do it anyway! And even knowing so, we’ll do it again next time!

The truth of the matter is, hooking up post break-up is perfectly natural. You shouldn't do it, but it feels right because you are with your lover once more. But something's missing...

It’s hard to end a relationship with someone you’ve been physically and emotionally close to. When things aren’t working out emotionally, that’s usually when things are broken off. Chances are, one person is still emotionally invested and willing to save the relationship, even the cost of their sanity.

Post break-up hook-ups are usually the best kind of sex, too. Risky, fun, adventurous, etc. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t work out. You roll over and are reminded why, exactly, it isn’t going to work. Whether its a commitment or trust issue or just general incompatibility, you’ll realize that great sex isn’t going to make up for the other missing aspects of the relationship.

In short, don’t hook up with your ex. You’ll probably do it anyway. But the good news is, hopefully you will learn from it, or the pain you experience from it, or the pain you cause your partner will cause you not to do it again in the future.

Erica: Post-break-up hook-ups seem like a good idea at the time. You're lonely since you've been single. Maybe put on a couple raw cookie dough pounds. You're not getting the attention you used to get from the other singles at the bar. You don't have anyone to go to brunch with, or anyone that will stay in to watch Saturday Night Live with. This time is tough but it is necessary. Hooking up with a recent ex is like slowly pulling off a band-aid, ripping out every hair it passes, instead of just tearing the thing up and getting it over with. Sometimes we make the pain last longer because we think it's less blunt.

Getting back together with an ex and doing just the easy parts of the relationship is just plain cheating. Yeah, it gets you off in the end, but it's like you're taking a step backward in becoming a more mature, well-rounded individual. Some of us are willing to take that hit, and I feel like if you think you can justify a post-break-up hook-up, go ahead and have that learning experience. Guys are better at separating emotions from sex, so guy readers might be thinking, "I could totally do that and feel completely fine with myself the next morning." But then you'll just be trailing her along, and she could get really needy. And that's just a terrible situation that no one wants. Ladies, you know it's too hard. Don't send your ex the wrong signals. The signals that say, "I don't really respect what we once had, and I don't quite respect myself either." Act like a floozy, even though you aren't - you're just lonely. You'll find yourself in a messy love web and you probably hate yourself for it.

As we've said before, they're called "break-ups" because they're broken. And like we've also said before, that ex-relationship can become a friendship with time and hard work, but trying to "relive the glory days" never works out well for either partner. Especially if the glory days weren't that glorious to begin with.

14. "Not tonight."

Jill: I've never experienced firsthand having a partner who was never in the mood to do the dirty, but there have been times when IT IS time and my partner simply didn't feel like it. I know you’re not supposed to take those sorts of things personally (unless they make it clear that it is a personal thing), but you can’t help but feel defeated and rejected when your partner doesn’t feel like doing it.

A couple suggestions:

1. Set the mood- Life’s busy. Between work, bills, possibly kids and upkeep of life/living space in general, it can be hard to find the time to wind-down and get ready for intimacy. Instead of bringing it up verbally, “Hey do you wanna…?” Set the mood instead. Lie down, relax, put on some baby-making music, talk about your days, and give your partner a back rub. In other words, butter them up a little and make ‘em purr. A little touch can go a long way, and if you do it just right, they may want some more.

2. If it comes to the point where their rejection is negatively affecting your ego, have a little sit down with them. Explain that it’s important that you two maintain intimacy. Be understanding and explain that life gets tiring, but without a little playtime, it gets monotonous and unbearable. Explain how you feel and that you are upset/concerned about why they aren’t in the mood to do the deed. Perhaps there’s something going on you don’t know about and that’s why they aren’t in the mood. If so, this will open up the conversation about getting to the bottom of the issue.

3. It can certainly be the case that things in the bedroom have um… gone stale. If you’ve noticed that, suggest trying some new things. Some good ideas include taking a bath/shower together, new positions, toys (if that’s your thing), etc. A list of examples will be available in a later post. Trying new things in bed is a risky endeavor, but certainly worth it if you find something you both enjoy.

If you find that you are the one turning down sex, think about why. Are you really tired/headache-y/pissed off? Or is it the “more effort than it’s worth” syndrome? It’s kind of like working out. You put it off because physical exertion’s a chore, but once you’re doing it, it feels great and you’re happy you did. Think about the happiness of your partner as well. You will feel better knowing you can make them feel good. If you really do want to turn down sex, be gentle. Give ‘em a smooch and cuddle up for a movie instead. Signaling that you still want to be close will serve as a gentle buffer to the point that you don’t want sex.


Erica: It's simple. Put on Boyz II Men. "I'll Make Love to You" will rock your world... and your bed. But as it turns out, sex is only supposed to be an element of your relationship. I know! I was shocked when I heard that too. When a partner, male or female, never wants to get down, there's a hidden issue that is most likely being ignored. It could be something simple like the attraction just not being there, or something deeper like a loss of self-confidence.

If you're never in the mood - it's important to be honest with yourself and then with your love interest to avoid bruised egos. Look in the mirror. What's really going on? Is there a trust issue that's mentally blocking you from doing the good deed? Maybe there's a lack of foreplay going on. Ask for more time just being affectionate before it goes down. Or could there be fear of disappointment? There are endless reasons as to why someone can't be in the mood. But there are plenty of damn good reasons to get in the mood and your partner deserves your honesty. If it's something stupid like you "just don't feel like it," you need to cut the shit. Don't be in a relationship and drag someone along if you're not even willing to work through intimacy issues. But if it's legit, let your partner know. Chances are they just want to help you and are willing to do what they need to so that you're in a better place. And by "a better place," I mean, "in bed."

If your partner is never in the mood - it's time for a sextervention. Set time aside when you're both in a good mood to address this issue. It's not smart to do it when you just planned out a freaky night in your mind and then got turned down. You'll be angry, confused, and hurt, and your partner will just feel like they're being attacked. Initiate the conversation during the daylight, and be sympathetic. Make your partner feel comfortable with talking openly about sex issues. And assure them that you're in it for the long haul, that this isn't the last straw. "I just want to figure out what's wrong so that we can have a better relationship in and out of bed." Some times people just need to hear that their partner is concerned in order to just give in to the animal inside.

Sex should be the toy in the happy meal that is a relationship. It should happen! And if it doesn't, someone needs to hear about it.

Our Top 10 Almost Immediate Deal MAKERS

So, maybe we're a little negative. Constantly harping on guys for saying "Do Work" and being obsessed with sportz. So this time around, we're willing to open up a little bit to our readers about what attributes catch our eyes (and capture our hearts). So fellas, take note.

Erica:
1. He tells silly jokes.
2. He notices what you're drinking and brings you a new drink when it runs low.
3. If he has a dress shirt on, he's wearing an undershirt too.
4. He has a younger sister and is protective of her.
5. He knows everything about his car. Not all cars, just his.
6. He's passionate about something.
7. He's awkwardly shy, but trying to step out of his shell.
8. He has a fantastically well-rounded music catalog, including several guilty pleasures.
9. He compliments other people.
10. He's proud of what he's doing in life, even if it's "lame" at the moment.



Jill:
1. He's always willing to listen to you vent about your day at work/lame family problems and the like without getting fed up and frustrated.
2. He remembers the surprisingly small things you say, from the deets of a story you told a long time ago to your favorite memory as a child.
3. He tries to watch his figure and well-being but will gladly splurge once in a while with a greasy burrito and some beers.
4, He's silly, low-maintenance and laid-back.
5. Has nerdy obsessions, but not to the point where it interferes with your relationship.
6. He has an eclectic taste in music and has some rock star in him.
7. He appreciates the arts, literature, architecture or other human accomplishments.
8. He never patronizes your political affiliations or pressures you to think a certain way.
9. He dresses casually but knows when and how to dress up.
10. He respects his family and yours.

13. The Unwanted Third Wheel

You feel them peeking over your shoulder as you write a love letter. Following you down a dark alley but always remaining at least ten paces behind you. Jumping into your backseat through a window seconds before you peel out. It is... the unwanted third wheel.


Erica: The unwanted third wheel is a shape-shifter, taking the form of several different things. It varies from relationship to relationship. A sibling, a friend, an ex, a parent, even a dog. It can be a job, phone, computer, car, jealousy, bad attitude, or the past. Anything that seems like it's always there, pestering you and stopping your relationship from progressing. It's a perpetual snag in your time together. Because time alone is essential, when something is constantly in the way, the third wheel becomes part of your relationship. And you know what? It's hard enough to have a relationship with two people, you shouldn't have to deal with "party of three."

When the third wheel is a person, it's important to actually agree with your partner that the third wheel actually is unwanted. Some girls annoyingly want their friends around all the time, and I don't think too many boyfriends are into that. You essentially become the third wheel to your own relationship, and you're constantly competing for your partner's attention. So clear this up with your significant other. "Can it just be me and you today?" "Let's go by ourselves this time." "Cuz tonight is the night that 2 become 1." If they're not into the alone time, they probably aren't into you.

That said, you can't be alone all the time. We've all seen those new couples that go into a relationship coma for six months, turning down every chance to hang out with friends. Then they're like, "I never see you any more! We should hang out!" And guess what. The friends are over it. But back to getting rid of the unwanted third wheel. If it's someone that's so nice and just wants to hang out with you two, you'll have to be creative in letting them down easily.

Third wheel: "What's going on tonight?"
You: "Oh, Billy and I were going to lock ourselves inside and have an hour long make-out session."

No one wants in on that, not even the third wheel. If they are wanting in on that... we have an unwanted threesome on our hands and that's another issue.

For our younger readers - it's different when a sibling or a parent is purposefully chaperoning you. But even when you're fifteen taking a walk is allowed. Get out of the living room! Go to the library, get an ice cream cone. Being alone doesn't have to be intimate, it just has to be third-wheel-free. If you feel like you might be an unwanted third wheel, here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Does it seem like plans are always made without your input?
2. Are there always inside jokes going that you don't quite get?
3. Is it always a fight to say your two cents during conversation?

A "yes" to any of these gives me reason to believe you may be an unwanted third wheel. If you know you're an unwanted third wheel... stop it. Talk to your partner if the unwanted third wheel is there due to their decisions. If they're not willing to erase this problem, it might be time to walk.


Jill: The unwanted third wheel, like Erica said, can take many different shapes and forms, all more frustrating than the next. When it's a person, there's a fight. When it's an object, there's a fight behind why an object is taking precedence. When it's a hobby turned obsession, it's a fight about being borderline OCD.

A reader of ours pulled me aside at a party and asked me to address her certain dilemma. Her boyfriend is being "stalked" by a girl he's known on and off for three years. Putting an end to it is difficult because the unwanted girl's father is her boyfriend's boss. This has guilt and obligation written all over it. The "other" girl consistently pesters the couple, saying derogatory and offensive remarks to the girl. The guy feels like he can't stand up to her, telling her to buzz off once and for all (they've even considered a restraining order) in fear he'll be in bad standing with his boss.

How does a couple handle this situation? The easy answer is to ignore it and hope it goes away. The right answer is to tactfully take the bull by its horns and just handle it! Although a job is very important, hurting your partner out of fear of losing it is selfish and cruel. What I would advise to her or a couple dealing with an unwanted third wheel situation is to handle it appropriately, preferably without hurting your partner. Your loyalty should lie with your partner, not with your job (or other said third wheels) at the sake of your partner.

When a hobby, person or obsession becomes a problem between the two of you, the best thing to do is assess the situation. Is the third wheel in question a friend who wants to hang out every so often? If so, then you're probably out of line to bring anything up. But if the third wheel is some sort of dark force putting space between you and your loved one, consider talking about it. Be polite, though, because A. The third wheel may be something he/she really loves as a part of their life, or B. They may become even more frustrated with the entire situation and want to give up on it permanently.

12. Who pays for contraceptives?

Sorry it's been a few days since our last post. We had a long weekend and we're going to have another one this weekend too. So don't be mad. Just enjoy this piece:

There's a problem in the world today. Guys buy condoms, girls buy the pill. How the hell is that fair?


Jill: When I took birth control for the first time I was utterly convinced that I was poisoning myself, just waiting for the moment my ovaries would shrivel up and leave me sterile forever. Needless to say, this didn't happen. Instead I enjoyed a pretty liberal sexual life and blemish-free skin.

It wasn't all a walk in the park, though. I struggled for a while with, "Why do I have to pay for this? Why do I have to take this annoying little pill everyday at 8 o'clock with a little snack so my tummy doesn't hurt? What if one slips through the crack, and I have to deal with being pregnant? BIRTH CONTROL SUCKS! WHY ME?!"

I got over those issues, but did wonder if it was fair of me to have to dish out thirty bucks every month for the pre-packaged hormones that would keep me from housing a bun in the oven. As it turns out, on the inside I always wanted to ask my boyfriend at the time if he would go halfsies on it. I never did. I think I would have eventually, had we not broken up, or had I not gotten a better paying job.

I guess it goes like this: guys, it's nice when you do your part to keep us from getting pregnant (unless that's the goal, of course). If you aren't going to pay for a birth control prescription, at least offer half toward it, or suggest condoms. That's all we're asking. Because, unfortunately, life's a game of what's fair, and girls solely paying for contraceptives seems righteously unfair.


Erica: So here's the story of me and birth control... or lack there of. I've only bought contraceptives, condoms, maybe twice in my life. I had to pay for them using change from a can full of quarters intended for laundry. Don't be surprised - it was college. I did what I had to do. Then I started dating (and ultimately marrying) someone with a job and I didn't have to worry about the paying so much. But I had to worry about the using more than ever. And that one time I didn't use it, I got pregnant.

In the 60's, the feminist sexual freedom movement made women realize that we are responsible for our own bodies, that we can decide when we want to conceive. But in the same breath, it sucks when you're in a relationship and having to pay for the birth control just because you're the only one physically taking it. It sucks, all money issues do, but I have to say that if you want to be in control of your sexual integrity, you have to take care of it. Don't expect your significant (or insignificant) other to. Even if your partner has a lifetime supply of magnums; even if you watch your girl take her pill every mid-morning with brunch. If you don't want to end up in a helpless situation, take control! Cover your own ass (or dick) if you don't want to get an STD or get pregs.

Speaking of the devil, I had a pregnancy scare last week that really woke me up. Birth control is no longer an option, it's a necessity. Even though I'm married, and Dan would be right next to me (being way more excited than I'd like for him to be), I'm the one carrying the thing. I'm the one going to the gyne once a week. I'm the one that doesn't get to sleep at nightI'd be home with the new baby and a toddler all day, so I have to protect myself from that colicky, postpartum depression mess and bite the bullet. The sexual freedom movement quickly turned into the sexual responsibility movement. We have to protect ourselves even if it costs money. Go to a clinic and get government aid like the sixteen-year-olds with mothers in denial do.

11. "Can I be friends with my ex?" by Katie, co-starring Jennifer Aniston

We asked our dear friend Katie to be a guest columnist today on a subject that she has mastered far beyond most women, or men for that matter. Most people don't marry the first person they date, so everyone inevitably has to deal with an ex in one way or another. It's not always the end of a relationship when you break up. It's hopefully the start of a friendship. This post will determine once and for all...

Can I be friends with my ex?


Katie: Yes.

“Can we still be friends?” This question is muttered through wet sobs at the end of a relationship. You went through pretty much everything together while you dated, so why deny the connection by not speaking to each other ever again?

Face it. At some point you are going to cross paths. It's inevitable. And what are you supposed to do? Ignore the fact that you dated and shared something special? I've been through this (a lot) and in order for this post-relationship friendship to work, you both have to be willing to put forth the effort. If only one person does, then you pretty much have a stalker situation, clinging to the past, and nobody wants that. When I say "stalker," I mean this one person is initiating by texting or calling the other person all the time. This can lead into a horrible thing. A big mess of he said/she said and then becoming enemies.

But not all relationships end that bad. In my experience, most of them end because one person isn't interested in the other person anymore. Whether they admit that is another issue. If your relationship has ended poorly, then maybe this does not apply to you. A friendship could be possible, but in the far off distance. So far that you can't see it right now. For those of us that run in the same social circles as our exes, we have to make it work or else it's uncomfortable for everyone around. So here's what has to happen:

Don’t rush. Something this delicate can't happen over night. It is all up to you and your ex to allow the proper amount of time to pass for any relationship-y feelings to naturally melt away. Love, jealousy, attraction, etc. And remember, just because your feelings are gone, doesn't mean your ex's are. Give them plenty of space and make them give you yours. Don't answer the phone, don't talk online, don't show up to every party if you have to. Then, slowly allow good feelings to fill in the gaps. When you can care about them in a non-romantic way, when you can have a short hug, when you can ask them how they've been and genuinely be happy for them, I'd say you're in a good place. A place set up for a friendship.

If you have been catching up each other for a while now, and he/she asks if you would want to go and get a drink, catch a movie, do a keg stand, etc., take them up on the offer - but do so cautiously. You probably don't want to hang out with your ex alone... at least for a while, and especially if either of you is in a new relationship. And make sure you're not sending out a signal you don't feel. When you hang out, bring some neutral friends along, signaling that you want to strictly have a friendship, nothing romantic.

Erica: And that's why we asked Katie to help us out. I pride myself in being friends with all my ex's, but I know how it can be sticky sometimes. It's definitely hard to "fake it 'til you make it" with someone you were so close with. But it is worth it! When you get to go to your ex's wedding and truly be happy for them and their new bride, it's so worth it.

Jill: Well said, Katie. I admire the fact that you can forgive your ex's beyond a reasonable doubt and consider their friendship. I'm not really friends with my ex's, but keep in touch from time to time. Like you said, if it's right for you, you'll know!

10. We like sports and we don't care who knows!

Erica: There is nothing wrong with liking sports. Hell, I "like" sports. I'll go to a Sox game on a nice day and eat some deliciously expensive treats with the people I love. This post isn't about that. It's about the partner that is obsessed with sports. Let's just go ahead and say it's the male partner. He cries like he just buried his Granny Rose when a game is lost. He's under the delusion that he had a part in the team's victory. If he wears his enormous jersey and goes to Sportz R Us bar, orders the triple cheese nachos and drinks exactly five High Lifes (Lives?), they have to win. It's an unwritten pact between the team and him. Most dates revolve around sports, either attending or remotely viewing. And when there isn't a game on, sports is the only topic that gets him going. Then one day... on your first anniversary, his buddies convince him that it's okay to have have a tattoo of his team across his shoulder blades. What a dream boat.

We all remember when Samantha dated the sports fanatic. His mood depended on who won the game each night. And then once basketball finally ended, Samantha exhaled (because she thought she was going to get laid), then hockey started up. Who doesn't know one of those couples? And another thing - why are guys that are obsessed with sports always so chubby? Why can't being obsessed with sports mean you actually play sports?!

Like I said, there's nothing wrong about liking sports and enjoying them with people you love. There is a problem when sports is the only thing you have in common with your partner, and when sports are all you actually care about. Good relationships are based on several points of common interests. Whether they be music, movies, education, animals, food, family, you've got to have several points that you see eye to eye on. Yes, sports can be one, but only one, of those points. It can't be, "We have so much in common! The Mets, the Saints, and the Lakers!" (You'll have to pardon my sports team knowledge; I'm obviously not one of these obsessed people.) That said, good people have several important things in life. Most of those things are people-oriented and not delusional.

Jill: So the other day, I’m driving to work, as usual. It’s a sunny day and I’m feeling good. Until I stop behind the most obnoxious vehicle I’ve seen in a while: decked out from top to bottom with Green Bay Packers shit. I counted six Packers bumper stickers. I saw a Packers Flag being flown proudly, yet idiotically. I look at the license plate, and to my horror, it reads, “PACK RS 8,” and what’s worse is that it’s resting inside a Green Bay Packers license plate frame. It was in that moment, I was reminded of the great percentage of Americans that are sports obsessed.

You know the type, and Erica described them accurately. Their idea of a nice evening, day or life in general revolves around sporting activities. If they’re not playing it they’re watching it. If they’re not watching a game or match, they’re attending one. And if they’re not doing anything I just mentioned, they’re talking about it incessantly. There’s nothing wrong with having a favorite sport or favorite sports team. But when sports consume your life, to the point your beau is getting pissed off at you because all you do is live and breath sports, that’s pretty fucking sad.

Then there's those people that are so sports obsessed, they take to watching sports they don’t even like just to fill the void.

“Hey man, The Hawks don’t play again ‘til Sunday!”
“Bummer, bro. Now what?”
“I heard there’s a sweet Laser Tag match on.”
“Sweeeet.”

Gag me. The only one thing that is worse than having a partner that’s obsessed with sports is a couple that is obsessed with sports. You’ve seen the type. Want to get married at their favorite stadium, make their guests show up in jerseys. Shit, the girl pays millions to get artificially inseminated by Greg Maddux. These people should drop off the place of the planet and life could return to normal. Until then, we have this blushing bride.









And these lovely assholes.

So the moral of the story is, "Go team!" But more so, "Go-people-and-real-life-situations-that-actually-affect-my-life!"

9. Reader writes: "What do I do at the spork in the road?"

We got a good e-mail from a reader and we thought it's a good topic to discuss in general. There are many twists and turns in a relationship. The road gets bumpy at times. But when you come to a halt and a decision has to be made, what do you do?
______________________________________________________

Dear Relationshipmates,
I've been dating this guy for quite some time. He's great and a dream for any girl. We've gone through some bumps recently, and we're not totally serious right now, but he believes I'm the one for him. The problem is, in my life right now, all I want to do is focus on me. I don't want any sort of intimate relationship with anyone right now. I don't want to lead him on, but he's ready to settle down and I'm just get started with finding myself.

Jill: I think you know what you need to do, you just need affirmation. Sometimes leaving someone you care about is just as hard as being left, and that's normal. Clearly you still have some sort of feelings for him, otherwise you wouldn't have a problem just up and leaving.

I respect the fact that you recognize you need to be single right now to figure out who you are outside of your relationship. There's nothing wrong with self-discovery, so long as it's done in a healthy manner (and I think you're on the right track considering you're saying you don't want any form of intimacy. It would be a different story if you just wanted to go out and play the field).

However, if this is the decision you're making, you must stick to your guns. You cannot lead this guy on. I've been on the other end of this and it's the worst torture you can imagine. If you truly want to be alone, you need to explain to this guy very firmly that you cannot be together and won't be able to work things out in the foreseeable future. Explain to him that it's nothing he did wrong.

Unfortunately, if your guy is anything like me, they may struggle for a long while with what went wrong and what they did wrong. He did nothing wrong. In fact, from the way you describe him, he did everything right. That's what's going to make him scratch his head for a long time, especially if you continue to see him casually. He'll think, "Great! she wants to work this out, otherwise we wouldn't be seeing each at all!" While you have no intentions of anything serious, he's hoping your occasional company will yield something more.

The main point to take away is this: is this what you really want? To do you truly want to be single and you are slightly remorseful you're leaving something most girls dream about? Or does his company and companionship mean so much to you that you're willing to work it out with him? You're going to have to think long and hard so that if you choose the first option, you must choose to walk away indefinitely. It may be a hard step, but you'll be saving him and yourself excess heartache.

Erica: Yep, nothing wrong with wanting to be single, even if he's great and wants you that much more. And everything is right with wanting to fully give your attention to studies or career choices. You're not necessarily in a bad position. It can turn bad, but it's not bad right now. Think a little more positively: you're coming up to a spork in the r-ship road. Since you're not currently very serious, take this as a break. Be brave and focus on yourself. It sounds like you want time to figure out what you really want. It would be irresponsible to not take that time. If he loves you as much as you're saying he does, he'll wait out the break. He might choose to date around a bit, but you can't hold that against him. His heart might already be broken from your choice to focus on yourself, so he might seek some comfort in another girl's arms. Would that make you crazy? Does the reality of losing him scare you or bother you? That's a sign, whichever way you feel. I knew I wanted to marry my husband when I couldn't stand the thought of him with someone else. (I'm not saying you should get married if you get jealous at the thought of him with someone else.)

You have to be completely honest with him. And like Jill said, tell him he's done everything right, but that's not where you're at in life at this moment. He might be very upset at first, but he'll respect you for being honest. If he really wants to be with you, he'll wait. You could ask him to wait if you wanted to, but again, you can't be mad if he doesn't. You're leaving the relationship to pursue yourself, and he's allowed to pursue himself in different ways. Sometimes relationships need time apart so you can grow in being individuals.

I don't think you're in a bad spot. You're young and should take this time for yourself so that you'll become the person you're meant to be. And if he's still there with you in the end, you know you've found a keeper.

8. Is a long distance relationship worth it?

Erica: I've only been in one "long" distance relationship. I was 16, didn't have a license, and he lived 40 minutes away. We saw each other every other weekend. I'm pretty sure I was in love, but I was so young it's hard to be certain. Regardless, it was so hard to go all day long thinking about someone and have to wait until the last 10 minutes of the day to talk. Then have to sit through another week to actually spend time together. And then every time we hung out, the first couple hours were always awkward because we had to become reacquainted. I don't regret any part of my past, but we have to ask: is a long distance relationship worth it?

Of all the long distance relationships (LDRs) I've heard about or known, I only know of one that actually succeeded. They're married and happily ever after now, but I know those few years living at different ends of the country were hell. But even so, I have to say that LDRs are worth it.

Most LDRs are more work than regular ones. Before you even start dating you have to answer the question, "Do I have the balls to make this work?" You have to take hours to schedule talk-time, sending mail, e-mails, presents, organization to be able to meet, etc. But all that work makes the rare time together that much sweeter. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, of course. But if there are any sort of trust issues between either party, it's like a death sentence. The relationship is doomed if you can't believe 100% what they tell you. If you think something's up, there's no way of finding out if what your gut says is true. And if you're wanting to do that, might as well end it anyways and not drag it out. Another problem is the general feeling of loneliness. Yeah, you have someone, but if you needed a hug from them, you'd have to travel for it. When you're out with your friends and their partners, it's like you don't have anyone even when you do.

Here's what I believe it takes to make a LDR work. It emotionally takes trust above all else, strength, patience, and a belief that love conquers all. It logistically takes even more. Although it costs money to visit, any time you get a chance, go. Public transportation, hitch a ride with anyone heading that way, go through the couch you're sitting on and hit up the Coinstar, take an air balloon if you have to. Anything that proves "if I could possibly spend more time with you, I would." Long distance relationships take creativity. You have to send flowers randomly, be waiting at their car as they walk out of work, pay their roommate to make breakfast for them and put a card you made on the table, making them a playlist, e-mail a list of things that reminded you of them that day, sext if that's your thing (warning: do not do if you currently have or will ever have enemies). In a sense, you have to be more romantic in a LDR than in a regular relationship.

It takes belief in the unbelievable, but if a relationship can endure distance, chances are it will survive most anything.

Jill: I’ve never been in a long distance relationship, but people very close to me are and have been. So while I can’t speak from experience directly, but here are some things I’ve picked up on.

Not all LDRs have to be a split screen sadness. With enough patience, loyalty and love, LDRs can be just as fulfilling, if not more fulfilling than a traditional relationship. Clearly while in a long distance relationship, you won’t be seeing your significant other as much as “normal” people see one another. You have to handle frustrations that are born out of the distance factor without chewing one another’s heads off and blaming each other for things that are out of your hands. Also, when it comes time for relocation, compromise is the biggest factor. I’m probably the biggest believer in making love work, and if your partner isn’t willing to relocate or meet you halfway on the location issue, you’re going to have to consider where your relationship is heading. Just like in any other relationship, you have to be willing to compromise, and moving for someone is the biggest compromise of all. Things must be discussed, planned and thought about much further in advance than normal relationships. That means to say if your partner has a problem talking about the future with you, it’s a safe bet things aren’t going to be moving in the right direction. If they are, that’s a sure-fire way of knowing they want to make things work no matter what it takes. And something that good can’t be bad. I agree with Erica on the romantics. While I can't fathom not having my partner physically around, some people simply have to endure the distance (for one circumstance or another). That makes romantic gestures that much more pronounced. You'll know if your partner's really into your relationship based on their loving gestures, because they are going to be coming from afar or a third party. In other words, what you're lacking in spontaneity should be made up for 10 fold through romantic gestures.

Today's technology is on your side. Don't miss out on love because you don't think you could handle a long distance relationship. And if you're already in a LDR, hopefully you appreciate all the good aspects of your situation, like how many times you get to hear "I love you" in a day.

Important Advice: the Relationship Booty Call

Dear Jill & Erica,
I'm in a sticky situation. This guy that I like is recently out of a long relationship that ended poorly. We hang out all the time, he calls me a lot, we have so much in common, and we just love being around each other. The problem is... he doesn't want to be in a relationship just yet. And he's not telling me that he will any time soon. We've been physical already, so I'm pretty attached. I know it's like I'm giving him a free pass, that he can eat his cake without making it. But part of me just wants to go along with it because I'm enjoying myself. I'm scared it will get messy. It's not a booty call situation, it's a relationship without the title. Help!

Jill: You may not see this now, but I think you’re heading for a huge disaster. He’s telling you up front that he’s basically just out to have fun and hook up without the commitment. I’ve contemplated “playing games” and “having fun” right back, and after a while, you know in your heart that it doesn’t feel right and you’re going to want more. Why ignore it? It's your brain warning you to not get hurt. You’re only going to set yourself up for disappointment in the long run.

It’s especially difficult when they send you the mixed signals. “I like you, I enjoy your company…BUT…” He likes you and probably likes hooking up without having to treat you with the respect you deserve. Eventually, though, you’re going to wonder, “Can I invite him (insert event/place here)? Would it be appropriate?” You don’t need that uncertainty; it will only drive you nuts. If I were you, I’d really consider what he's saying. Although you're hearing, “I like you," he's really saying, "I like you, but not enough to be with you.” And your response should be: “Goodbye!”


Erica: As much as it sucks, I have to agree with Jill. I promise you, it will get messy. No guy deserves your undivided attention (the calling and seeing where you are, hooking up, etc.) without reciprocating. 100%. You're worth more than that. And although we, as females, can deal with the noncommittal part of your relationship for a period of time, you know we can't linger on bating breath for long. As my wise aunt would say, "Shit or get off the pot!" It's good that he's being honest and saying that he can't be in a relationship right now, with the past relationship's turmoil still bubbling. Sounds like he misses the good and easy parts of being in a relationship, but isn't willing to do the work. And if that's true, that means he shouldn't be meddling in someone else's love life. It's like he saying, "I'd like you to be my play thing and keep me company so I can do whatever I want and not have to show you the respect of actually being with you." And you're responding with, "Yeah, I don't think I deserve your commitment either." It sucks. I've been in this exact situation. But he should shit or get off the pot. Give him an ultimatum and stick with it. You deserve a real, committed, attentive man.

Our Top 10 Almost Immediate Deal Breakers

So today we thought we would each give a short list of qualities in a guy we just loathe, that make our skin crawl. Essentially the official deal breakers. Every girl and every guy has them, here's ours.

Jill:
1. He has posters of "hot women" on his wall.
2. He says, "bro," "fist pump," or "do work." (Probably half our male fans do this; maybe they'll get the hint not to!)
3. His attitude toward sports is that of the dumbest high school jock you know.
4. He has subscriptions to "Pent House" or "Play Boy."
5. He thinks two lesbians mud-wrestling is the sexiest thing ever.
6. His idea of a romantic night out is serving you greasy pizza at a sports bar with his bros.
7. He listens to Nickelback.
8. He loves his car/works on his car more than spending time with you.
9. He drinks Redbull and vodka.
10. Likes movies like "The Fast and the Furious" or anything with Megan Fox.


Erica:

1. He has long finger (or toe) nails. Shutter.
2. He constantly has to one up you.
3. He calls you “dude.”
4. He rolls his eyes all the time.
5. He doesn’t understand the importance of having good shoes.
6. He secretly likes Disney TV shows. At least be honest about it!
7. He has no drive or ambition.
8. He’s drunk hitting on you.
9. He’s quick to tell you about his day, but never asks how yours was.
10. His car/room/house is really dirty. Not messy or disorganized - dirty.

7. If you wanna be my lover, should you get with my friends?

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.

You guessed it... Spice Girls.

It’s said that friends are the family you get to choose. But some times we're closer to our friends than we are to our family. Families can be overly judgmental, fleeting, untrustworthy, and yet you’re stuck with them. But when you’re in a relationship, “meeting the family” is a huge deal. Why is meeting the friends not a huge deal?

An age-old question only the Spice Girls have the answer to. You gotta get with my friends (or at least be able to get along with my friends). When you first fall for someone, they usually become the #1 priority in your life until you remember, “There were these people I used to know. They were always really fun and supportive. What are they called again? Oh yeah…my friends!” Then comes the true test of endurance for your relationship. Can your partner get along with your friends and vice versa?


Erica: As much as a relationship is between two people, it's kind of hard not to worry about what your friends feel about your honey. I see it all the time. A guy is dating a girl. He thinks her friends are lame and annoying, talk too much, say "Woo!" in public too much, and have terrible taste in music and in movies. To this turd of a man I say, the reason your girlfriend is friends with this specific group is because she has enough in common with them to warrant a friendship. In a sense, they're the same! She says "Woo!" when you're not around. When you say (or even think, we can tell) mean things about our friends, you're saying the same things about us.

What the Spice Girls say is true. So damn true. "If you want to be my lover, you have to get (along) with my friends." You can't be constantly worrying about frictions between people that matter to you. It's a terrible way to live. If both your partner and your friends want what's best with you, they will put forth the effort to make connections together. I'm not saying they have to have inside jokes or anything, but they have to have that one thing in common: your happiness. If either party can't put aside natural, selfish reactions to sharing you, then it might be time to rid yourself of that toxicity. Listen to warning signs from both sides. "He's so mean to you," "Your friends are obnoxious," and "How can you stand to be around them?" are all red flags that you need to look out for. Your job is to maintain balance in your life, whatever it takes.

Girl power.


Jill: Some people don’t care if their friends like their partner: “Whatever! It’s my life and my girlfriend (boyfriend)!” But on the inside, there’s going to be some turmoil there. You either continue to bring around the disliked partner, or you avoid your friends all together, both options that create animosity. Let’s face it: In a perfect world, your partner would be just as cool, fun, smart and sexy with you and your friends as they are behind closed doors. Yet, how come they’re gazing at boxing re-runs on T.V. with glazed-over eyes, looking bored to tears while you and your friends are drinking and having a great time?

Some points to consider:

- If you notice that your partner is uninvolved with your friends, have you considered switching up you and your friends’ routine a bit? Maybe your partner’s simply tired of the bar scene. As a wise fortune cookie once told me, change is the watchword of progression.

- Just because they’re your friends, doesn’t make them your partner’s friends. However, that doesn’t give your beau the license to badmouth your friends, make negative comments about them, etc. Like Erica said, saying something negative about your significant other’s friend, no matter how true, is uncalled for, unless they ask for your honest opinion. Plus, your partner’s comments/attitudes about your friends are an inadvertent observation about you, considering these are the people you choose to surround yourself with.

- Think about why your partner and your friends aren’t getting along. Are your friends treating him/her unfairly? Have they been offensive or cruel to your one and only? If so, maybe you should consider new friends. But, if your friends have been…well, friendly, and there’s still problems, it’s time to consider kicking your partner in the ass and finding someone who truly does love you, and every part of you, including your friends.

6. Re-dating

Life. It's about taking risks, making mistakes, and learning from them. Re-dating is repeating a monogamous relationship at least once. You know the couple: “I love her, I hate her, I love him, I loathe him, I can’t live without her, I never want to see him again!” Then you don’t see them for a week and you hear that they moved in together. Ah, life.

Erica: There’s a song I love called “People Don’t Change” by Limbeck. Of course, saying people don’t change is wildly pessimistic… but is very often true. Think about the times that changed you for the good. Was it not a difficult time? A time that forced you to grow? Otherwise, it was just the simple passing of time that allowed you change.

So why don’t we learn from our mistakes? Why do we believe our ex’s when they say they’re different now? When a relationship fails, we feel like we've failed, like it’s our fault that we couldn’t keep it together. But the reality that we need to accept is that not every relationship is going to end happily ever after. Instead we still feel that sense of personal failure and want to redeem it. Like in Pet Sematary II (sic). It's dead, but we want it back so badly that we're willing to put up with it being a zombie and trying to kill us. That’s why people re-date. It’s silly and childish but I have to say that the heart wants what it wants. You can’t blame people for re-dating. It’s probably in their genetic makeup to try and make something that's dead to live once again. Standing by and watching a couple become hot and cold 100 times is terrible though. There’s only one thing worse than re-dating - and that’s serial re-dater, Miley Cyrus.


Jill: Re-dating. Should probably be called re-really? I believe re-dating is hardly ever a good idea, unless, as usual, some unique set of circumstances makes this possible.

Whether you like to admit it to yourself or not, there’s a reason why the break-up happened. They don’t just HAPPEN. Sometimes it feels that way, but in time you come to realize why things just weren’t working out. Even though I hate this pretentious book with a passion, mostly because a lot of the information in the book is arrogant and untrue, the one lesson I took away from He’s Just Not That Into You was, “it’s called a break-up because it’s broken.” When you go running back to your ex that dumped you for a good reason, bad reason or seemingly no reason at all, you haven’t considered yet, why things aren’t working between you two. You’re hell-bent on trying to make things work and haven’t separated yourself from the situation enough to know that somehow, your relationship was doomed.

When you break it off with a guy, there are usually big issues, or a collection of small ones that bother you to the point to end it. Reminding yourself of their good qualities during a post-breakup self-pitying party will only serve to disappoint you when you two get back together. I’m not sure if anyone’s told you this, but people don't change. They just don’t. That’s why we date…to find someone who’s compatible with ourselves. Re-dating may leave you stuck in the same rut you (or your ex) tried to remove your self (them self) from in the first place. Is that the place you want to be?

Only very special people re-date. They’re either entirely devoted to one another in absence (in which case, I guess they wouldn’t be re-anything, they’d simply still be together) or some sort of trickery took place to separate them (The movie Wicker Park is a good, but unlikely example).

Trust me on this; re-dating is not in you or your ex’s best interest. The old issues will come up and continue to poison your future happiness together.

5. What men want... in bed.

Disclaimer:

No two people are alike and therefore each one of us has different wants and needs from our partners.

Erica: In light of showing what men want, I'm just going to get to it. Men are goal-oriented. The goal is to get off, both partners. I gracelessly polled a couple of male friends with an overwhelming response that the best extra to sex is female initiation. It sounded like a lot of guys worry if their partner really wants it much as they do, so when a girl starts things up, it's perfectly clear that she wants to do the dirty. A man wants his woman to be just as into herself as he is into her. It's not just confidence, it's like being totally self-aware and in turn, truly sexy. Men understand that sex can be awkward for a period of time. But just like women, they want it to get better and they're willing to do what they need to in order to make it happen. Men have short sex attention spans so things have to change up pretty often. Guys like variety in sex. Not variety in positions, per se, but to almost feel like their with different women all the time. I'm not saying go out and buy some ridiculous outfits and wigs, but if that's what it takes to liven things up, then maybe it's worth it. Guys are so easy to please. They don't need the bells and whistles that us ladies need. They just need a great time with a great gal. And another thing men want - a sandwich afterward.

Jill: The above picture reminds me of George trying implement pastrami on rye in bed on Seinfeld. From my experience, men live for excitement. They want that little booty shake and strip tease. They want to try it in different spots around the house or in public. Guys live for the new and exciting. Not to say a pattern isn't beneficial and efficient, but they tend to get bored with routine. They also like a full experience. Quickies are fun and to the point, but nothing beats a 45 minute love-session with his lady. They like to be pleased, but at the same time like to feel as if they are providing ladies with a one-of-a-kind sexual experience. Let them take the wheel a little but women, but don't be afraid to take the lead for a while. You'll have him going ga-ga if you're ferocious and don't take the back seat all the time. Men love confidence. They love noises. They love when you toss your hair, arch your back. They love any natural reaction you give them to their pleasing you. So ladies, let loose and let the lovin' consume you.

4. What women want... in bed.

We thought it was time to get into something a little more risqué. One of our favorite subjects - sex. But first we have to put a disclaimer on these entries.

No two people are alike and therefore each one of us has different wants and needs from our partners.

There's a stigma in the world that says sex has to be animalistic or boring. Sometimes humans mate in order to have offspring, but more likely, we're doing it to have fun. To be close. To say something to someone that Hallmark doesn't make a card for. Not yet at least (see prototype below).

Erica: Women get a bad wrap for not being decisive or honest about what we want in life... and in bed. And maybe it's true. Maybe we aren't up front with our partners about what we truly want. But our bodies don't lie. The short answer of what women want in bed is this: intimacy. The kind of intimacy that can only happen when you have sex. Think about it. You're physically closer than ever, you're forced to look each other in the eye (in certain stances), so it's almost impossible not to connect. Don't fight it. Let that happen. Even if you wind up laughing for a little bit. Women want an experience, to be ravaged, to feel like this isn't the same bed she drools in at night. Slam us up against the wall, make a long car ride more "interesting," put on some music, make us feel like we're not ourselves but some celestial sex being. And we want to feel like we're amazing at making you feel amazing. That makes us so confident that we become uninhibited and wild. It works out on both ends. Girls are naturally givers most of the time, so it's nice to switch roles once in a while. I can't tell you how to master all the inner-workings of a woman's body, hopefully there's a male version of Cosmo for that, but I can tell you that if you really want to please her, and you listen to her body, you won't fail. Just to make it clear, moan = good, silence = bad.

Jill: I'm trying fervently to get the image of Mel Gibson shaving his legs out of my mind. Forget everything the movies tell you. Erica's right, women want intimacy. Women want to feel as if the reason you two are having sex is not for the man to get off, but for her guy to do anything to get her off (guys will always get off in the end) and have an amazingly fun time while doing it. Get creative. Ask to try different positions. Be playful. LAUGH, bite, tickle, squeeze, lick...When you show us how much you dig us, it's like winning the lottery every time we're in bed with you. We love to see how much you want us, and like Erica said, we love to see how much we can please you. Guys, don't be afraid to get into it. Moan, loud. It's a huge turn on for girls to hear and see how much you're into what we're doing. If you're anything like Erica and I, real and down-to-earth, then we appreciate real and down-to-earth emotions and actions in bed. Don't hold back. Ask for things and give in return. Be sensitive if we get tired. Offer to take care of us. Encourage us, tell us how good we are. Talk about something you'd like to do more, or something you don't like as much. Make sure you let us know we rock your world and we will. And don't fall asleep afterward.

We know you will, but at least try not to.
_______________________________________________________



We'd like to say thank you to our friend Katie for making us a fan page on Facebook. Make sure you join! (If you're a fan.)

3. Dolla dolla bills ya'll - Part one / Advice: is it time to end things?

We've been asked to address financial issues for couples by some of our wonderful readers, but we're going to have to split each concern up into a few different entries. Today: who pays when we're out?

Who pays for what on a date? Traditionally speaking, it’s been a man’s role to be a caretaker and provider for his woman. Women stayed at home, took care of her wifely obligations and waited for her husband to come home with the cheese AND bacon. Although women have clearly stepped past that role, advancing in society and holding powerful positions in the workforce, much of the old sentiment of men being a caretaker are still prevalent.

Jill: The automatic and probably favored response to, “Who pays for what when we’re out?” is “The man, duh.” However, I’ve been in situations where I’ve been happy to pay for myself or have volunteered to cover the entire bill. Some women may think it’s nice to be paid for all the time. Well, it sure would be! Frugality is nice, but constantly being paid for and feeling like I’m not contributing personally makes me feel like a freeloader. I know such isn’t true, but I can’t help but feel that I should reciprocate the effort every once in a while. Men are human too and everyone wants to be taken care of (in some sense). Would it kill you to say, “Dinner’s on me,” every so often? I’m sure your man will appreciate it, even if he still refuses to let you pay. It’s a nice gesture that says, “I appreciate your company,” or “Thanks for coming out with me.” Also, don’t abandon the notion that if you’re doing several things that night, say bowling and drinks, have your guy pay for bowling (provided he offers), and then offer to pay for celebratory drinks afterward. You’ll both feel like you’ve contributed to the date and the fun you surely had together!

Erica: Although I agree with most everything Jill says about this subject, I have to address this one factor. Almost every guy I've dated would get upset, even angry if I tried to grab the bill before they did. They would act like I tried to put them in a baby-doll dress and push them around in a buggy. I'm not saying the guy should always pay. I am saying that you never refuse a free meal. Some men would rather pay, even when they have to put it on their Visa and instantly dread getting that bill in the mail. I guess it's a pride thing. Now I know some of you guys out there are like, "Pshya! I'd love a sugar mama!" But come on... does the name Jon Gosselin ring a bell? Kate was the breadwinner and he was driven into the arms of several other whores. (One of which looked shockingly just like me - see picture above.) He was emasculated. However, I always think it's nice to spend money on him when he doesn't know you are. "The bartender said it was on the house," or "I got this in the mail, do you want it?" "I have a gift certificate we should use," always works. Being sneaky for a good cause. In conclusion, I lean more towards this old-fashioned way. If the guy wants to pay, you better let him... and you better put out at the end of the night. _____________________________________________________

Is it time to end things?

Well, I have heard about this website, and have relationship problems. (Notice, in fact, I am a male.) Long story shortest... I met this girl at school. She isn't like everyone else, but that is what makes me happy. So then I found out she really like my best friend, and when I hang around with him she gets mad. But she is kinda still my friend, but we do get in fights a lot about how she... sort of doesn't do well with friendships. I always kinda talk about her, and joke about her, but people would not EVER think I like her. I don't know what to do at all. She is really great, but gets on my nerves with her loving my best friend. I don't know if I should tell her I like her, or not. I don't know when, or how. Now or then? Please help out... thanks!

Erica: Good for you for liking a "different" girl. Different girls like me and Jill are the best kind. How can someone be not good with friendships? Thoroughly confused with that. And why can't you act like you actually like her around your friends? I'm sure they pick up on it anyways. And she might pick up on it too. She seems to be jealous of you for hanging out with the guy she likes. Whenever she gets upset with you for talking about your friend that she likes, just be like, "Hey, he's my friend, it's not my fault. Date him if you love him so much." And it doesn't really sound like she really likes you. But that can be from you guys bickering all the time. Try to slowly become more honest about how you're feeling. No one can fault you for thinking the way you do.

Jill: This may be a classic case of the have and have-nots. Do you know if she's interested in you romantically? It seems like from what you're saying she may not even be interested in being your friend, seeing as she doesn't "do well with friendships." I think the best thing is to find out if she's interested in you. If she's really interested in your friend, instead, and that makes you angry, it might just be more painful for you to try to maintain a friendship with her because you'll always be reminded that you can't have her. Think hard about this one and find out what she wants. It seems like you already know what you want. I know it's a little embarrassing and you have to put yourself on the line a little, but ask her straight up. Take a walk after school or just when you two are hanging out, bring up that you really like her and you want to know if she's worth pursuing. Trying to guess how she feels (incorrectly) may only end in heartache for you (or not, but you may never know if you never tell her!).