34. Valentine's Day... Doom or Delight?

The flying cherub called Cupid, lacy lingerie, the releasing of romantic comedies, "Goin' to the Chapel," and courtly love (not to be confused with Courtney Love)...

Breath a sigh of relief, or a sigh of exasperation - for it is Valentine's Day!

What can we deduce about this romantic day, once a religious observation now turned Hallmark holiday? Valentine's Day is certainly a mixed bag. Whether or not you have a hunny, you're either pro V-Day or vehemently anti. But the same truth remains: February 14th, every year, sure as shit, is a day to commemorate lovers, intimacy and the fact that you are dreadfully alone once again.


Jill: I think I only had an "official" Valentine twice, and that's excluding the years my parents sent me valentines with money and a box of conversation hearts. Valentine's Day as a kid meant just another classroom party with cute little cards, cupcakes and endless rounds of "Heads Up 7-Up," but as time went on, things changed. Suddenly in middle school you hoped, hell, prayed someone sent you a damn candy-gram, and if you're anything like my friends and I, we just sent them to each other. High school was a dreary scene. All the jocks and their snot nosed girlfriends walked around with red blinking bio-luminescent heart necklaces and bouquets of roses, just to further usurp everyone's power and reign high above everyone else yet again. I had one silly sort of Valentine in high school which yielded nothing more than a goofy card and a stuffed animal.

In college, I finally had a man for a significant amount of time which meant I was finally NOT single on Valentine's Day! Hooray! I labored over a cute little book I made of all our memories, bought him a small gift or two, and made a "romantic" dinner at my place. I remember being nervous and excited the whole day. But what I truly realized that it was like any other day, and all the hype surrounding it made me feel a little anxiety and actual disappointment in all the day had to offer. Don't get me wrong, I will always remember sweet Valentine's Day gestures, but some of my best memories with guys, or loved ones in general, occur unscripted. The cheese ball factor is fun the same way your parents taking pictures of you on the first day of school every year is, but it's also not enough to define what LOVE and a relationship is all about.

So I guess what I'm meaning to say is that if you have a significant other and enjoy being a little corny and romantic, giving into the hype of superfluous love connections abounding (undoubtedly Cupid fluttering about, launching heart-shaped arrows into people's asses), go for it. It's a little cheesy, fun, and exciting! But don't put all your eggs into one basket. Chances could be that your significant other may not believe in the big V-Day (or maybe more accurately called D-Day) or they just consider it another ordinary day. You gotta respect that and not get too upset that you didn't come home to a warm bubble bath with fine lavender soaps, a bottle of champagne, Barry White playing while your beau is putting the finishing touches on a lobster dinner for you. We just don't live like that all the time, and to EXPECT that extravagance and become disappointed when it doesn't happen is just as silly as the sight of 40 year old men crowding the card and flower sections of their local grocery store.

Does it really mean that much to get a dozen roses and a box of chocolates? Perhaps. That would be nice, but on Valentine's Day, that's pretty cliche. If you do feel the need to celebrate, do something a little bit more unorthodox to make it memorable. After all, you're just one couple in a sea of a million doing the same crap. May as well stand out a little. I will be spending my day with none other than my bloody valentine, Anthony Bourdain. He's speaking here in Philly and there's nothing else I'd rather be doing.


Erica: I've always been one of those people that looks forward to holidays. I wear socks with Santas on them for all of December, I think about hilarious Halloween costumes year-round (then never get the chance to go anywhere when the day arrives), and I make an outline for my "I'm thankful for..." Thanksgiving Day speech, trying to bring the right amount of knee slappers to my tear-jerking lecture. For Valentine's Day this year, I made a butt load of heart-shaped cookies and funfetti cupcakes with pink frosting and pink heart-shaped sprinkles for my family and coworkers. I found a cute rose headband that I could wear to work months ago. I just like getting into the spirit of the holidays. I like having something to look forward to.

In Valentine's Days past, my Valentine was usually my Dad. He bought me, my sister, and my Mom flowers - always different kinds reflecting our personalities. My Mom would get me candies and I would diligently look for the perfect Valentines to give to my schoolmates, being careful not to give the obvious "I like you" ones to the boys I did indeed like. When I started dating, Valentine's Day became a day where I could get excited about giving a gift that I stewed over for months. And then, finally the day of, I remember that I get something too!

Getting married brought on a new type of V-Day. Every day was romantic our first year, but after that, Valentine's Day is important because you almost have to force yourself out of the daily business of your relationship, to be lovey-dovey. To try and look at my beloved the way I did when we initially fell in love. When I became a cartoon version of myself, pupils became hearts, I floated on a pink cloud as a means of transportation, I spoke octaves higher and everything I said began with a sigh. Then I had a kid and V-Day became a guaranteed date night, which is always desperately needed.

But the intimacy we expect from Valentine's Day doesn't happen when you get another box of chocolates, another dozen roses, another dinner out. It happens when your husband finally remembers that you like tulips (not roses) and mint meltaways (not Russell-Stover-chocolate-covered-shit-in-a-box). When he keeps it together for you when you're late for your reservations and lost because your sitter couldn't be on time for once. When you're singing Jimmy Eat World classics down the highway, flawlessly executing two part harmonies only a couple that is truly in love could do.

So I'm a lucky girl. I love Valentine's Day because I happen to have a lot of love in my life. I love my husband and Amelia, my family, my friends, my job and my coworkers. And I'm not too rebellious to be happy on V-Day. I kind of hate my current circumstances in life, but with these people, I still have a lot of love.

And I love Jill, even though she's far away!

33. Why we love men

1. They whistle while they work.
Men are hard workers. Sometimes you can't get them to leave the couch to help you fold clothes, and other times they throw on a pair of old boots and shovel the whole driveway. Then the neighbor's driveways. And then all the sidewalks in between. This isn't a great characteristic only because then you don't have to do it, but because it shows his innate persistence and determination. We love that men work hard.

2. They have hairy chests.


3. They are never too serious.


4. They love food, their moms, and their sisters.
Even a guy on a diet loves food. And pretty much any kind of food. It's not just fuel - it's something to look forward to at least three times a day. And even if she's a crazy lady, he loves his mom. She wiped he butt when he was little and now she can do no wrong in his eyes. It's good to know because you might be crazy at some point in your relationship and he'll stick around.

5. They get crabby when they're tired.
Yes, this can be so annoying at times. But it's elemental. "You're tired, babe. That's why you're being a turd." Then when a man admits that it's true, it's cute and we love it.

6. Think about sex at the weirdest times

7. Remember the most obscure childhood memories

8. They love love love their dog. Words cannot describe the way our hearts melt when they "accidentally" kiss their dog on the lips.

9. They know a thing or two about household repair.

10. They look even cuter than a newborn baby when they wake up, blurry-eyed, with bed head.

32. What to do when trapped inside with your partner during Snowpocalypse 2011

If you grew up in the midwest like us, you know every winter guarantees some things: snow days for public school kids, sledding on Bellybutton Hill, car doors freezing shut, building forts out of the plowed mounds of snow, pain in the shoulder from shoveling, salt ruining your boots, fun things being canceled, the taste of a wool scarf being tied across your mouth, the panic that goes through your body once you realize you can't turn your car wheels, people severely overreacting, that damn runny nose that won't let up... and boredom.

While half of America is coping with the horrors of blizzards and being snowed in, we'd like to tackle the boredom. What do you do when you're trapped indoors with your snow bunny?


1. Have sex. Duh.
2. Build a cozy igloo out of blankets and sheets.
3. Clean out your closet.
4. Get drunk at noon on cheap beer and whiskey.
5. Make a new dish using what you have: check out www.allrecipes.com and click on "ingredients" on the top of the page. Type in what you have laying around and cook together!
6. Watch home movies.
7. If your home movies aren't funny, join Netflix and stream a ton of classics over the internet.
8. Pull out your old CDs and blast them.
9. Break out the Nintendo 8-bit, and get to saving Princess Peach and kicking Fei Long's ass.
10. Turn your bathroom into a spa. Take a long bath, exfoliate, give each other massages. It's a good thing.
11. Catch up on your precious ZZZzzzzs.
12. Draw portraits of each other.
13. Throw on your favorite vinyl and juke around the house.
14. Curl up with a new book.
15. Bust out Jenga, Monopoly, Mouse Trap or any other favorite childhood game.
16. Make your own short film with props lying around the house and snag anyone available to make a cameo.
17. Give your pet a much needed bath.
18. Have sex again.
19. Create a dance routine.
20. Bundle up, go outside and play in that damn snow!

31. A triumphant return / It's game time!

We abandoned you. We're sorry. If you kept up with Relationshipmates, you would know that girls can be flighty. And as advanced as we like to think we are, normal ol' girls we remain. Here's a quick synopsis of what's been happening in our lives: we went to Las Vegas together with six of our best girlfriends and got a lot of material for this blog, Jill turned 24 and moved to Philadelphia with her sister, Erica turned 25 (went to Philly for her b-day) and started working as a waitress so she can someday move herself and her family out of her parents' basement. We started our blog, Pengals, exchanging ideas mostly about food or serving, or how much we miss each other.

We don't know what the future holds, but we've heard so many "I miss Relationshipmates" comments lately that we felt it necessary to come back. Maybe not at the speed we once held, but there are just things that need to be said. And why not us? A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

So please send us your relationship inquiries! E-mail us! Facebook us! Run us down with your cars screaming, "Why won't my boyfriend shave his back?!"

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What makes you swoon? Is it the "yawn-stretch-arm-on-your-shoulder" move? Oh yeah baby... I love it when you have to pretend to yawn in order to make physical contact with me. Or maybe it's a great pick-up like like, "I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock." You're right - you're not Fred Flintstone. Fred had a little something called class. An old school attribute called respect for a lady. Every guy has to play the game. Some are great. Those are the not-so-great-looking boys that somehow always have the attention of several pretty females. And some are terrible. They are the inventors of the "sneak freak." Creeping up behind you at the club, groin to ass action, and when you ask, "What the hell?" they decide now's a good time to introduce themselves. Why do guys have no game?


Erica: I've heard a lot of lines in my day. I've had a guy talk my ear off about how his ex broke his heart and he just wants to get over her then and there. Another guy challenged me to a game of "who can kiss who first." He lost (on purpose). It worked. And yet another guy would just blurt out something obscene, crossing the line, then just cover his mouth like he couldn't control himself. He had to say, "Your ass is great." Some sort of sexy turrets?

Maybe the internet has killed a man's ability to communicate with a woman when she's standing in front of him. Maybe girls have lost their senses of humor. These things are just obstacles to overcome. Most guys take to ignoring a broad all night then friend requesting her the next day. "Remember me?" Of course not, you halfwit. You stood by the keg all night as if you pitched in and were protecting the precious booty. So if most guys pull that crap, our male readers take note - use this to your advantage. If you do just strike up a little conversation, you're already a step ahead of the competition.

The way it's supposed to work is you see her, you like her, you go talk to her (about normal things like weather, work, school, etc.) and pheromones do the rest. Maintaining eye contact is hard and often awkward, but it will literally make all the difference in this being a successful encounter or not. If you don't hear a word she says but you're looking at her eyes and nodding once in a while, I'd say you did a damn good job. Trust me, if she's feeling it, her mouth is talking on autopilot and she thinking, "He's starring right into my soul!" And don't try to be cool, or macho, or hilarious, or anything you're actually not. Just act like a regular, nice guy. Compliment her even if you don't really know her.

You might sense a little bit of sexism tonight in our post. You might be thinking, "Why can't a girl put forth an effort?" She can. But chances are, she won't. Her getting dressed and putting on make-up was all the effort she plans on having to do. Maybe entering her phone number into your phone, too, but that's all. Sorry bros.

Jill: Man, it's good to be back to the ol' stomping grounds of Relationshipmates. Erica's right: It is time to resurrect you, baby!

So... guys with game (or lack thereof). Being a single lady myself means I am predictably the unabashed bystander and recipient of failed romantic gestures. Just recently, Erica and I were at a friend's birthday party in Philly. As usual, we brought down the house with our outlandish and sexy dance moves. Partying on 'til the wee hours of the morn, we noticed one shy guy who had yet to introduce himself sharing the dance floor with us. He was an alright dancer, but hey, at least he was dancing. Trying to make a go for our car at about 2 a.m., said mystery man followed us into the street wearing socks, inquiring about where he was going to stay that night. Taken aback, Erica and I didn't know this guy from Adam, or that his name could have been Adam...or Steve, or John, or Christian. He gave us some crybaby story about having to sleep on the couch that night, stumbling around like a fool in the cold with his socks. Erica and I being the tough broads we were spoke straight. "We didn't talk to you the whole night. We don't even know your name. You tried to sneak up behind us on the dance floor, and now you wanna come home with us? Go back inside you sock-wearing, no-named sissy!" we chanted in unison.

What could be said of this, and countless other failed attempts of one-night stands? If you're praying to get lucky, the least you can do is conversate. Spark the bitch's interest, for crying out loud! Introduce yourself. It's easy:

Anonymous Get Lucky Hopeful: "Hey, I'm Pete. What's your name?"

Me: "Jill."

AGLH: "Come here often?"
Jill: "Aglh..."

Sometimes that's all it takes. Probably not, but AT LEAST it's a start! Things have to continue clicking in an interesting manner the rest of the night, but you can't possibly hope to forge a relationship with any level-minded woman without even saying two words to her all evening. We're not all post-break up depressed whores looking for a booty call. Talk to us like a human being. Is it that hard? If you just need to break the ice a little and don't know where to start, you can always fall back on some classic advice to get our engines purring:

See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin'
And I got just the one, somethin' to show ya that you are second to none
To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress
It's easy to do just follow these steps:

1. Cut a hole in a box
2. Put your junk in that box
3. Make her open the box

And that's the way you do it.