22. Feeling Trapped

What do you do when you feel suffocated under the weight of your relationship? Assuming that you feel trapped as you're emotionally uneasy, not physically crushed by your partner, here's what we say...


Erica: If you're in a dating, minimal commitment relationship, you can run. If you're married, don't run.

As with all relationship issues Jill and I advise on, our first step to managing is to be honest - with yourself and with your partner. Get to the bottom of this problem immediately. Why exactly do you feel trapped? Are you just bored? Jealous of others around you? In need of attention (not necessarily a bad thing)? Mourning the loss of the spark from your relationship? There are a million reasons you could feel trapped when you really aren't.

When you tell your partner how you're feeling, he/she will most likely become defensive initially. They might think you're blaming them. This is all just a reaction of feeling hurt because you're not happy, and that could come as a shock to them. If they respond fantastically, keep talking. If they don't, you might want to leave the conversation and come back to it once they've had time to process.

If you want to stay with your partner, assure them that you're not going anywhere and that you just want to deal with these feelings before they consume you. If you need a break from the relationship... well then, hey. You need a break. If you think you need to see life without your relationship, you just have to do it. And you should never feel guilty about it. If you're married, you have to do something. You have to get help somewhere. Go get some counseling, by yourself and with your partner. It will help you deal with current issues and the ones you're bound to face in the future. I don't have much to say about this other than you have to be in charge of your life. When you're unhappy, make yourself happy. Make your life better. Hopefully you have an awesome partner that wants what's best for you.


Jill: I saw a great article about this a few months ago on a relationship blog I follow. A reader wrote in expressing her dissatisfaction with her relationship status. It wasn’t that she no longer loved her husband, but felt “trapped” in the sense that she wasn’t able to experience things other than being a wife. Having had married early, the reader felt as if she “missed out” on the single life. She never, however, would cheat on her husband. She needed suggestions as to alleviate these feelings without harming her beau. I think the columnist gave great advice, and I will recap some of it here.

Firstly, it’s a very good sign that the woman realized what she was feeling and brought those feelings to light rather than let them lie dormant, risking a potential breakdown. When you find yourself in this situation and have assessed it thoroughly enough to know that you don’t want to break things off, you have to find healthy outlets in which to exercise your freedom. Explain to your partner what you’re going through. What’s likely is that your behavior is changing a bit, and your partner has noticed. Tell them that it’s nothing they did and that you will be needing their help to start feeling better about yourself and about your relationship.

Taking a “break” to do whatever you want is not quite in the cards. Think about it: You hate your job. Realistically, can you “take a break” from it longer than your 2 weeks without having eyebrows raised in suspicion? No. The best thing you can do is find better circumstances.

Engage in healthy activities. What do you like to do? Sing? Paint? Listen to music? Run? Research and get involved with groups or happenings that coincide with your interests. Maybe you just need a friend or something to get involved with other than your significant other. It’s healthy and normal.

Instead of sleeping around, now’s your chance to be more honest with your partner about what’s going on between you two and what can be done to fix it. Hopefully your partner is understanding and lets you engage in outside activities and without getting ruffled feathers. Plus, don’t forget your girlfriends. They’re like the magic elixir to getting you out of the rut you're stuck in.

21. The Mama's Boy

Well, we all know Grandma's Boy and agree that it's a funny movie. But what's not funny, at all, is a mama's boy. A mama's boy doesn't necessarily describe a man that is strictly loyal to his mother. It can be a sister or other person that has a grip over this not-so-lucky guy's life.

Erica: Dating a mama's boy is like owning a pet alligator. (Clarissa Explains it All, say whaaa?) It sounds totally great, but in actuality, it bites. You think you want a guy that loves his mom and says she's the greatest, helps her out all the time, talks to her daily. But then you realize you're dating the both of them. And then a tense moment in the relationship comes up, you find your partner siding with his mom, and you're all alone.

Moms are great, no one is denying that. They take you to the doctor when you're certain you've contracted the black plague, they make your favorite kind of cake on your birthday, they get you new clothes when school starts, and they always answer their phone. And how could they not? That classic Nokia ringtone is reverberating throughout Jewel 24/7. "Now let me put on my reading glasses so I can see who's calling before I answer..."

A mom definitely has a special bond with her son. He needs someone to hug him when he scraps his knee, she need someone to cuddle with because she's lonely. He needs someone to fold his underwear, she needs something to do because she's bored. All those things sound cute when he's eight, but when he's over 18 (and that's really pushing it), it's the most unattractive and immature thing to see. Shame on the mother that fusses over her son, and shame on the son that allows his mom to do things for him he could do for himself. It's pitiful to watch and disgusting to be a part of. It's some sort of sick... Oedipus complex... that a wife or girlfriend could never fully grok. And can you blame us? We hold ourselves up to a different standard than your mother does. So we should have our own standard anyways. And truth be told - there are things we do for you that your mom could never, ever do.

So when a tiff arises, who do you go home to at the end of the day? If it's your partner, make sure you side with her. If it's your mom... well then your relationship probably isn't going anywhere anyways. And to the ladies dating or married to mama's boys, I'm sorry, but I've never seen a man change his mama's boy ways. Not even Ray Barone.


Jill: I find the more a man is a mama's boy, the more he ascribes to the school of the subordination of women. This probably isn't true in some cases, but in my experience, I was constantly being compared to the Betty Crocker-esque wonder woman that was his mother. I'd often hear:

"Your mom doesn't do your laundry?"
"No..."
"Well she likes doing laundry, so I just let her."

To quote Erica, "Say Whaaaa?" I don't care if your mom likes to clean up after you, or likes to do your laundry, or likes to bake you a steamy-delicious quiche on weekday mornings! That doesn't act as a free pass to be a baby until age 25, and it also doesn't give you, a. bragging rights, or b. criterion on which to base your girlfriends.

Let's be honest. Once in a while, if I happen to leave my laundry in the dryer, my mom will fold it. I don't ask her to, and I certainly don't expect her to. And I would never, ever expect a boyfriend of mine to do the same. So what's up with you guys?

I'm a pretty handy girl. I don't mind helping out with laundry, picking up after you (so long as it's not all the time and you pick up after me once and a while) or cooking a yummy dinner for the both of us. But when you purposely seek out your mom to do these things for you, it's time to grow up.

Living on your own usually helps. It's then you learn that the dishes don't do themselves, and if you don't clean that clump of hair out of the drain of the shower, you'll be ankle-deep in your own filth. Usually this is enough of a slap of reality to get your ass into housewife gear.

I knew somebody in college that was so messy, when his mother came to visit, she spent most of the visit doing dishes, scrubbing down the stove, picking up random socks and even thanking me for taking care of the place once in a while. Hmmm. Somehow this doesn't translate into the most attractive attribute a guy can have.

I think it's important that a man has a good relationship with his mom, so long as it doesn't interfere with his expectations of you as a girlfriend or potential wife.

20. What if my partner has bad taste in music?

What if your boyfriend or girlfriend has bad taste in music? No, not different from your taste - straight up bad taste. Not, "He likes country, I like rap." More like, "She likes ICP and Heidi Montag, and I like sounds that don't make my ears want to commit suicide."


Erica: Say your whole relationship is lining up like the planets 2012. You have lots of other things in common - movies, education, food, values, sense of humor, etc. But whenever you get in the car, it's WWIII in the VW for who can get their iPod (or Zune) plugged in first. What to do, what to do.

Take it as just another r-ship hardship to be dealt with head-on. You've got to compromise, and hopefully your superior music taste will radiate onto your significant other. Is what their listening to just a guilty pleasure? Don't hold it against them if they just have to hear "I'm a Slave 4 U" once in a while, or crank "Bawitdaba" when it comes on the radio. You can't expect everyone to like what you like, however "superior" it may be, and you can't expect whomever you're dating to automatically take to your preferences.

Believe it or not, for a few years me and Dan had pretty much identical taste in music. Then I stopped lying to myself because I just can't deny pop, and there's nothing wrong with that. When I'm by myself, I listen to whatever speaks to me at that moment. Yeah, I still pull up some of Dan's go-to jewels, Iron & Wine or the New Amsterdams, when the time is right because it takes me back. But when Dan and I are sharing listening space, we trade off. One album for me (ladies first), one album for him. All under one circumstance - the other person can't hate what you want to play. And I mean hate like you hate getting a flat tire on the freeway. I've ex-ed a couple of bands, and Dan's done the same. And you'll be happy to know we both fully enjoy Justin Timberlake. (Remember, it's always sweet when it's your album turn and you pick one of your boo's favies.)

So in other words, don't freak out about what your lovely listens to in their own time. But when you're together, lean on your similarities. Find the compromise and use it.

Jill: What do you do when your beau has an awful taste in music? Luckily for me, all the guys I’ve been with have had a great taste in music and that taste rubbed off on me. I’ve been interested in guys whose musical pinnacle stretched no further than Dave Matthew’s Band (I love me some Dave, but there’s more to the world than “Ants Marching”). Side note on Dave fans –aka- Dave fans that give Dave Matthews Band fans a bad name: They just want any excuse to don their pseudo moccasins, khaki shorts and pastel colors and harp on about “One Sweet World.”

Anyway, your partner’s musical taste says a lot about who they are. Do they prefer acoustic songs? They’re probably pretty sensitive and in touch with their feelings. Heavy mental means they like to rock out and typically don’t give a f*ck. Progressive rock shows they’re ready to take on new styles and appreciate odd musical influences. Musical theater? Showy and sassy! Classical? Profound and artistic. Jazz music signals a free spirit, someone who likes to groove. People who love pop music enjoy staying current with the times. Every musical styling says something different. What does your music style say about you or your partner?

Evaluate the kind of music you love compared to your partners. Are there similarities/differences? Does your partner prefer sweet melodies to rockin’ solos? Do they consider Nickelback’s debut album a work of genius (Why am I always hating on Nickelback? Because they’re what’s wrong with the world)? If so, do like Lester Bangs in Almost Famous. Be a musical mentor. Let your lover borrow the Rolling Stones, Yes, Cars, Cure, Clash or Bowie albums you undoubtedly have. Time to explore new horizons, one sexy song at a time.

19. This is what it all comes down to...

Hair. And. Shoes.

Hair and shoes will be the first two things ladies look at when they see a man. "What an odd combination!" you might think. But is it, really? From top to bottom, a man's gotta be decked out just the right way from head to foot. Attending a Coheed & Cambria show and hitting a city bar with some great guys last weekend was the perfect place to conduct our research. Peeling our eyes for the best shoes and hair in the place, we were far from disappointed by our findings.

Jill: Everyone could take lessons from Claudio Sanchez, lead singer of Coheed. His hair's so crazy and unmanageably curly, it's irresistible. And while rocking out, the headband he put on to allow him to play guitar with his tongue nearly knocked us to our knees. What is it about the wild 'dos? Something about his luxurious locks says, "My hair is so wild that I must to be wild in bed." And we totally dig that. Plus a nice fluffy head of hair is, at its base form, a conversation starter. And that's always a plus. Do you want to be that guy with the bowl haircut? Totally forgettable. The crazier hair, the more likely you are to get second glances from gals like myself.

Another great head of hair belongs to Anthony Green (lead singer of Circa Survive, who opened for Coheed). His beautiful mop, flopping about recklessly while screaming out my favorite lyrics, slightly reminiscent of Kurt Cobain... it should almost be illegal. Shoulder length and slightly greasy, it left me in a trance when his head flung to the side to reveal a gem: a slight buzz up the side of his head. You gotta mix it up with the a little hardcore. Extra points if it isn't immediately visible. Always leave 'em with something more behind the scenes.

Even though he's sort of a douche bag, Lenny Kravitz has had some sweet hair history. Dare I even mention John Stamos?

Ok, so you don't have curly hair, and you don't feel like taking the clippers up the side of the head. That's fine, long hair will do just as well. Just please don't make the awful mistake of letting it grow into a mullet. Also, don't make it more beautiful than ours. Don't straighten it, unless you want to be made fun of incessantly. If you try too hard, it sorts of negates the whole bad-ass persona you're trying to convey. And do wash it once in a while.

Erica: How many times have I walked up to a guy that just happens to be a stranger so I could feel his hair? Lots. Classic Erica move. Guys, you know you love when we scratch your head after a long day, so give us something we love to look at and feel - good hair. Long, scruffy hair around a beautiful beard screams, "I am a man." A girl knows hair is one of her best assets, throwing it around on the dance floor, getting caught in her lip gloss. There is just something sexy about hair. So get it right!

A few things first. Make sure your hair is healthy. Get a trim once in a while. But don't go every three weeks. That's just weird, unnecessary, and more feminine than a girly-girl. Don't fuss over your hair. Intentionally get a cut that works with your natural texture, so you don't have to spend time (or money) glopping product on it. Brushing after a shower is plenty good. A secret tip for frizzy hair: throw a hat on until your wet hair dries so it's under control. I like a trucker hat, beanie, or a good baseball cap. And go with your true hair color. A little fun bleaching is good once in a while (i.e. Claudio), but don't get frosted tips (i.e. Lance Bass). It just sends us all the wrong signals. Girls like Jill and I happen to prefer longer hair on dudes because it says that he doesn't care too much. But hair can be cut short in a way that says the same thing. The boys we hung out with in the city sure know how to pull off a short cut. Even if you have long hair, there's still a time in life for a chop. A job interview, a cousin's wedding, great uncle's funeral, or just a simple need for change are all acceptable reasons to loose some inches. But a forewarning, we may not be so tempted to give you that head scratch.

So work with what you got. Remember that hair is one of the suggestive subtleties that is either hit or miss. If you're really having trouble, ask a friend that's a girl to help you get on track. And if that is a disaster... e-mail us.


Honorable mention: Seth "Jew fro" Rogen




Jill: Shoes are a necessary part of everyday life. Why settle for some lame K-Swiss kicks when you can totally rock some bitchin' New Balances? The more vintage looking, the better. Still stomping around in Freddy Krueger's black work boots when you could be prowling about in some sweet pair of Converse? Just know... girls like us totally judge on the basis of shoes. If you wear clogs, snakeskin shoes, cowboy boots or dad sandals, you're lame. Comfort is obviously key, but think about style. Some awesome Nike high-tops in weird colors would suit my fancy any day. I'll take skater shoes or some Vans. I'm tired of seeing guys walking around in shoes they should either be wearing to the gym or to cut the grass in. Seriously? Get real.

Erica: You wouldn't be surprised to know that I own about 20 pairs of shoes. This is a bold statement, but I can tell the exact type of person you are just by looking at your shoes. Uptight, laid back, honest, hoity-toity, hiding a certain insecurity, active, lazy, gay, or straight... easy.

I don't know why, but I just like when a guy has a favorite type of shoe and gets that same kind every time he wears through another set. It says, "I know what I like and I'll spend what I have to in order to keep my feet happy." And hopefully he does just that when it comes to keeping his woman happy. A pair of low-top Chuck Taylor All Stars just give me a big, bright green light. Puma, DC, vintage Adidas, Clarks, Vans... you get the idea. Stay away from Crocs, Birkenstock, Lugz, Sketchers, Diesel, Marc Ecko... you get that idea too.

Some of you might be saying, "Shoes are just there so we don't look Amish." Well come on. Your feet carry your entire body. If you aren't willing to spend the dough on a good pair, then I, and most women, are not interested. What are your shoes saying?





"I think I'm prettier than you."









"I was an athlete a long time ago."










"There's walking shoes and there's running shoes. These are napping shoes."




We would like to thank Coheed, Circa, not Torche (Tort), Dan Andy Jordan John Ryan, Danny the busboy at Danny's, and the city of Chicago for a wonderful weekend.

18. Relationship Chicken

A faithful reader coined the phrase "Relationship Chicken." What does it mean? Should you even care?

The answer is yes. Relationship Chicken is quite possibly the most loathsome, disheartening issue you have to deal with in a relationship. You and your significant other have been together for a long time. A couple years into it, you wake up and realize a myriad of things have sprung up to put space between you. That old "spark" is gone, your careers are taking different paths, or you are just drifting apart in general. So many "How do we make this work?" phone calls go by until your realize both of you are playing Relationship Chicken?

The term means you both care for each other, maybe even were in love at one point, but there's simply no future anymore. You both realize it, but somehow it's easier to stay together than to be the one to step on toes and hurt your partner's feelings. You spend weeks, even months wondering when and if the other person is going to end it, but slowly come to realize that your apathy is met with equally matched sentiments. It's hard and tough to let down someone you cared so much for. But in all honestly, if they're feeling the same way, someone's gotta nip it in the bud.

These things just have to be done. It's like cleaning out your closet or shaving your legs after a long winter. No one WANTS to do these things, and the task may be laborious, but at the end of the day, you stand up, dust your hands together and feel more accomplished than ever. It's nothing personal, things just have to happen that way in order for you both to move forward.

My best advice here is to be honest (as always). Talk about why things aren't working. If you're into the relationship and both parties want to salvage it, then the long phone conversations and endless streams of tears is worth it. But if it feels like more trouble than it's worth, it probably is.
Chicken wings: good. Relationship chicken: bad.

05.13.10 Update

So we've been slacking, and we're sorry. Business with work (or lack there of), babies (and their many doctor appointments), and excitement over a show we're going to Friday (Coheed & Cambria and Circa Survive) has kept us from fulfilling our blogging duties.

You still love us, right?

Annoying Shit Girls Do Pt. III

9. Heat pack VS. ice pack
As much as hormones annoy men, they annoy us too. You think we enjoy the emotional roller-coaster? No way.

Guys say there's no female version of getting kicked in the nuts, and that's because there physically isn't. Physical pain is the most agonizing experience for men, and emotional pain is most agonizing for women. Just another one of those differences that we should celebrate, not dread. It's the reason why we lash out. It's the reason why we think childbirth isn't that big of a deal. It's the reason why girls have to switch school because of bullies.

PMS is probably the largest part of this annoyance. Girls, we know when we're due for our periods (sometimes to the minute), and therefore we should be more aware of PMS overrunning our normally mild demeanor. What do you mark on your calender to know your period is coming? Think of another discreet symbol to mark a week ahead of that. We should mark that day to know that we're prone to acting irrational and becoming short-tempered a week before we're due. Guys, it's science. Don't say snide remarks under your breath when you're leaving the room. Say, "Hey, are you alright? Did I do something wrong? I'm trying to be compassionate if it's something you can't control, but if you can control it, how can we fix it?"


10. "Whatcha thinkiiin'?"
Women ask a lot of questions, but I don't think it's the thoughtful, insightful questions that men get fed up with. It's the millionth round of "Did you switch the laundry?" or "How do you feel?" that makes men's blood boil.

The reason we ask a lot of questions is not to annoy you. We just want to stay informed. When the load of questions become bothersome, picture us as Diane Sawyer. We're just trying to get the scoop out of you, because you're not about to just blab to us. May I remind you ladies, journalists don't get a bad rep for nothin'.

Here's our advice. Ladies, keep your questions to the minimum. A "How was your day?" and "When are you going to be home?" will suffice. Spread out your question-asking throughout the day. Instead of insisting on knowing what your man wants for dinner the minute he steps out of work, wait 'til he gets home to talk about. Also, switch the question/answer balance from need-to-know to a conversation. Suddenly questions that seemed all-too intrusive become a conversation starter. And that's a plus.

Men, try to be patient with us. If we're getting too inquisitive, gently remind us we're being pesky, but be willing to talk about the issue later. And like I said, try to turn a police briefing into a nice conversation. If your gal just asks stupid questions in general, all the time, that may be a reflection of the kind of girl she is. When all else fails, just consider us April O'Neill, babe-licious reporter who can't get enough of you.

11. Love to hate besties
You're at a party, talking to two cute girls that are "BFFs since fifth grade." But for some reason, all they do is talk down about each other. Bringing up unprompted, obscure, and embarrassing memories, tripping, and then somehow finding a megaphone and proclaiming their undying love for each other. How peculiar. Best friends that appear to hate each other.

We've been searching high and low for a common reason as to why girls do this. Clearly we all have insecurities and the easiest way to make a guy overlook these things is by bringing up someone else's. Why do we do it to our friends?

Guys, don't give into a girl ripping on her friends. Encourage her to talk about the good qualities in them, the reason why they're friends to begin with. We promise - one little, "Come on... she's not that bad," from you will turn the conversation around. And girls - search yourself. Why do you have to point out things in your friends that would make them uncomfortable? Downplay the obvious competition between you and your friends. You need each other! Who's gonna hold your hair over the toilet when you puke? Who's gonna tell you when your crush is secretly flirting with some skeez? Who's gonna go to the pharmacy with you when you need a pregnancy test and talk to you during those terrible three to five minutes? Be confident enough in yourself that you don't need to bring anyone, especially someone you actually love, down.


12. Girls are so f*cking whimsical!

Girls are weird. We like to point out strange things about our partners, usually in public. We make stupid, off-putting jokes. We say inappropriate things. We get excited over trite like Sex in the City 2 (it's coming out in just 17 days!), pedicures, a specific (or nonspecific) song, finding a nickel, soft toilet paper, bobby pins with sparkles on them, Jonas Brothers, candles, Koala Yummies, etc... We want to relive the days of our sixth grade sleepovers. We ask you silly questions we know the answer to just to get a rise out of you. We have odd habits that annoy the hell out of you. We're inquisitive about the dumbest topics, usually right before bed. How could any man not love that?

The good news is, at the same time, we're nurturing, understanding and loving. Out of weirdness is born an even weirder sense of understanding our partners. We remember every answer to that stupid questions of, "What's your favorite ____?" and can incorporate them into a romantic surprise down the road. The very reason we're whimsical is probably the very reason why you love us, annoying or not.

Annoying Shit Girls Do Pt. II

Continued...


5. Shopaholic Syndrome
Girls love to shop. Get this: A poll conducted by GE Money of 3,000 women revealed that they make an average of 301 shopping trips per year, lasting a total of 399 hours and 46 minutes. That's eight years in a lifetime. Now that's including groceries and the boring stuff, but still - that's a lot of time. Men like to walk the aisles of Home Depot or Best Buy without actually purchasing anything, so what's wrong with giving up a couple years of life at the mall? Why do we do this?

There are a couple reasons. One is that clothing for women is ridiculous. If it fits on top, it doesn't fit on the bottom. If it looks great, it's hundreds of dollars. If it's the perfect tee, they don't have it in our size. It takes so long to find something that fits and looks nice. They don't measure pants sizes in inches, they just pick a random number that's divisible by two and there's no consistency from brand to brand. So in a way, we don't even really like shopping. It just literally takes that long. Two is that for some women shopping is relaxing. I (Erica) for one like to get lost among all the clearance racks and alas! Find that perfect, slightly out of season top for ten bucks! It's the thrill of a lifetime. I fear I may have a bargain shopping addiction, so maybe it's just me. Either way, guys, let us shop. You don't always have to be with us. If money's an issue (and you're the provider), give us a budget and we'll stick to it.


6. Acting drunker than they really are.
You know this kind of girl. Hell, you may even be this girl. You’re out at the bar or a party and everyone’s throwing them back pretty liberally. Then there’s the one girl who drinks half a fuzzy navel and begins acting like she inhaled a bottle of Jack. Her speech is slurred. Her midriff is showing. She’s telling strangers that she's in love with them, and that she was the junior cartwheel champ in 5th grade and she'll prove it if you don't believe her.

There are only two things that could be going on here: She either has not admitted to herself that drinking is just not for her in order to fit in... or she’s a whore. Unless you’re 85 pounds and haven't eaten all day, you don’t get drunk off one beer. It just doesn’t happen. When you see a girl dancing sloppily around after one light beer, chances are she’s faking it. And if she really is drunk, maybe instead of indulging in her antics, you should consider calling her an ambulance.

Why do girls “fake” being drunk? The answer’s simple. For the attention. I’ve (Jill) never done it because I don’t crave attention for being drunk. I just like to be drunk when the time calls for it. Some girls can only lower their inhibitions when they’re drinking. It’s sad, but it’s a fact of life. Next time you see a girl acting more drunk than you know she clearly is, slap the drink out of her hand and tell her to get real. My writing partner for this blog, Erica almost never drinks when we go out, and she has just as much fun as everyone else, sometimes more because she remembers everything and isn't hungover. There’s no reason for pretending. Erica’s confident enough in herself to not drink, stick by her personal decision and have a good time regardless of whether or not everyone’s drinking. "I don't need to drink to act like an ass. I'll do it any time, anywhere."-Erica, spoken like a true champ.

Fake drunken girls of the world take note -you’re not cute. Any girls who are drunk aren’t cute, but especially when you’re faking. It’s obvious, and you’re an attention whore. Take your antics elsewhere.


7. The great food debate.
So girls like us love food, but most women have a strained relationship with delicious sustenance. For some reason, it's not very feminine to give into the fact that we all literally need food. On a date, men find it annoying when girls order a salad. Some ladies want you to believe that they're very health conscious or something. But mainly we do this dainty dance around the plate because we don't want to look disgusting eating normal in front of you. Not yet at least. And also, if we have something heavy, we won't feel too good later. So don't assume we're not all about sliders at 2:00 AM. We just have to be 100% comfortable with you seeing us scarf it down.


8. "WOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"
Your friend just got engaged, your sister is pregnant, your mom just got a promotion, your college roommate had a good day at work, you cooked a mediocre dinner, you paid a bill on time, your dog took a shit. What do all these occurrences have in common? They are all reasons girls sit in a circle, flail their wrists and scream as if they’re in London during the hay-day of Beatles-Mania. What the hell?

Last night I (Jill) was the culprit of this very phenomenon. I was surrounded by flowing pitchers of beer, post-Hawks-win exuberance, the prospect of new friends, and the drunken debauchery that only "holidays" like Cinco de Mayo can bring. In short, I was excited - and talking about our upcoming trip to Vegas was the cherry on top. A new friend named Colleen was giving up tips and pointers about Vegas, as she’s a veteran of the place, having visited nearly 10 times. While describing an almost typical night in Vegas (“Have you guys considered going to a show? We went to a show kind of last minute…”), she dropped the bomb that made me red-handed guilty of a quality in women men find annoying. “We stayed at Mandolin Bay and they have this awesome beach-type concert venue there. You stand in the water, there’s sand, and the stage is in the middle of the water. We actually saw the beach boys! It was great!” Colleen said.

Nodding along in mutual agreement, my friends and I were already impressed with the story. A middle-of-the-water stage? Totally cool. Beach boys? Even better! Then she said it: “A special guest came out…You’ll never believe who it was... John Stamos!” In that moment, you could have recruited me to knock down the Berlin Wall to unite Berliners and Germans once more. I screamed/squealed so loud, people in the bar turned to stare. In that moment, I had the undivided attention of an entire bar of drunks.

After apologizing half-heartedly to the crowd, we resumed conversation, and things returned to normal. What is it about John Stamos that made me scream like a school girl? Well, for starters I love Full House. I love that him and the Beach Boys were friends on the show. And what’s even better is that they are friends in real life. The moral of the story is, there’s no rhyme or reason why girls scream and get excited over things you couldn’t possibly understand. It just happens. And when it does, just stick your finger in your ear, try to alleviate the pain from your eardrum rattling, and move on with your day. Yes, it's annoying, but there's nothing any of us can do about it.

Annoying Shit Girls Do Pt. I

We were at a friend's newly purchased mansion this weekend helping her and her hubs move in. Sitting in a circle on brand new carpet just talking, Relationshipmates became a topic of discussion and... lightbulb! We remembered that we were supposed to be polling guys about "annoying shit girls do." We got out our gournal and started word-for-word gournaling. Turns out, there are so many things on this list and we may have to split it into three parts. Four even!

So ladies, we did this for you (and ourselves). To maybe encourage you to cut the shit. Possibly stop some less than attractive behaviors. At the same time, we're going to explain to our male followers why we do some of these seemingly strange and pestering things.


1. Tears of irrationality.
So obviously girls are emotional. Alright, alright. Super emotional. Guys, we can't help it. It's because of the mass amounts of estrogen in our bodies. The thing that gives us the hourglass-shaped figure you love is the same thing that makes us cry during sappy commercials, which you think is lame. But it is weird when a flat tire, lost mail, or burnt toast sends us into hysterics. Here's the thing - when women cry, it's not because of what initially sets us off. It's because we've been suppressing that specific explosion of tears for some time, and now it's all pouring out. Often times we put off crying and it sneaks up on us. So boys, understand the reason why we started crying isn't necessarily the reason why we're crying. Ask us if there's something else on our minds. And girls, please be honest with your partner. Say, "That's not that main reason why I'm so emotional right now, this is why: _____." Even if you're saying it through gobs of snot, he'll be able to listen to you instead of rolling his eyes.


2. Subliminal orders.
You know the look. The "lets-get-out-of-here-or-I-

won't-talk-to-you-for-a-week" look. But what does he say back to you after seeing the look? "What's wrong with your face, babe? Did you just fart?" Ladies, we assume our men are so connected with us that even in a crowded room they should be able to pick up on our subtleties. This couldn't actually be further from the truth. Guys feel like they have to be able to read our minds in order to know how we're feeling. Don't make it so hard for them! What's so difficult about pulling them aside for ten seconds to tell them what you expect them to already know? Boys, like I said, we expect you to be in tune with us at all times. Yes this is a lot to expect, but do a little digging. Maybe the few times she was up front and honest with you, you may not have reacted too well. There's no chemical or physiological reason why girls do subliminal messages; it must be a learned trait.


3. Age.
A few things about women revolving around age annoy men. One of these is women trying to act younger than they are. Ultra low rise jeans, blue mascara, pretending our friends are our sisters, fuzzy steering wheel covers, pigtails, diaries... Come on ladies. There's a reason why the junior's department plays different music than the rest of the store. It's because we're too old for this crap. So why do we do this? It's the same reason guys hold onto baseball cards and still wrestle around with their bros. Things were simpler, funner, and all around better when we were younger and we try to relive our childhoods constantly. It's silly, but I think all genders are equally guilty. So men, don't be so upset with women when we act younger than we are. Would you rather us act older than our age? And how exactly does a 25-year-old act? Maturity will happen with life experience.

Another annoyance with age is that women don't get better looking with time. Men get a touch of gray and wear button ups more often. We spend thousands on trying to somehow erase smile lines from our faces so we look like we're never showed any emotion, suck fat from flabby zones, and put that same fat back into flat areas. It's absurd. Here's our theory though: the sexual drive peak of your gender is a direct correlation with the opposite gender's peak of physical attractiveness. Men hit their peak around 18. Women around 35. So enjoy the current looks of your partner, but know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And when you need them to be their hottest, they will be.


4. Road bumps VS. potholes.
When a guy experiences a shitty life occurrence, nothing is so serious that it couldn't easily be solved with a night at the local watering hole with some buddies. Throw a few back, and the next morning the unthinkable has become tolerable. Men bounce back quickly from life's road bumps. If they didn't, we wouldn't have the world leaders that we do or... technology as a whole. But women. Ah, women. We women dwell. We piss, we moan, we bitch. We worry, we cry. A comment from a coworker, an overdraft fee, or a pickle on our "no pickles please" order at McDonald's could send us into a hollow abyss of self-loathing for days. Weeks! Women tend to blow things out of proportion to the point where men get annoyed. Men treat the little wrongs of life as bumps in the road. A little difficult to overcome, but if you just brace yourself and glide right over it, you'll be fine. Women seem to get caught in potholes of misfortune, not only hitting the pothole, but experiencing a laundry list of pothole-related complaints: "That pothole was like ten thousand miles deep!" "Why hasn't someone fixed that pothole?" "Hey, where are those lazy construction dudes anyway? Does anyone even work anymore?!" Women get caught in life's bumps, then dwell on them long after they're even relevant.

Unfortunately it's in our nature to make drama out of every life occurrence. All I could say to women is, take a deep breath. Chances are the storm you're facing will blow over in a few days, and harping on it now will only make those few days go by much slower, all to the dismay of your man. Realize everyone has their own mess to sort through, and you complaining about yours, especially when it's something small, above all others' problems will most likely categorize you as annoying. Men, be patient with us. Gently show us the light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes, we don't want to hear how to fix the problem. Sometimes we just want you to listen.