Annoying Shit Girls Do Pt. III

9. Heat pack VS. ice pack
As much as hormones annoy men, they annoy us too. You think we enjoy the emotional roller-coaster? No way.

Guys say there's no female version of getting kicked in the nuts, and that's because there physically isn't. Physical pain is the most agonizing experience for men, and emotional pain is most agonizing for women. Just another one of those differences that we should celebrate, not dread. It's the reason why we lash out. It's the reason why we think childbirth isn't that big of a deal. It's the reason why girls have to switch school because of bullies.

PMS is probably the largest part of this annoyance. Girls, we know when we're due for our periods (sometimes to the minute), and therefore we should be more aware of PMS overrunning our normally mild demeanor. What do you mark on your calender to know your period is coming? Think of another discreet symbol to mark a week ahead of that. We should mark that day to know that we're prone to acting irrational and becoming short-tempered a week before we're due. Guys, it's science. Don't say snide remarks under your breath when you're leaving the room. Say, "Hey, are you alright? Did I do something wrong? I'm trying to be compassionate if it's something you can't control, but if you can control it, how can we fix it?"


10. "Whatcha thinkiiin'?"
Women ask a lot of questions, but I don't think it's the thoughtful, insightful questions that men get fed up with. It's the millionth round of "Did you switch the laundry?" or "How do you feel?" that makes men's blood boil.

The reason we ask a lot of questions is not to annoy you. We just want to stay informed. When the load of questions become bothersome, picture us as Diane Sawyer. We're just trying to get the scoop out of you, because you're not about to just blab to us. May I remind you ladies, journalists don't get a bad rep for nothin'.

Here's our advice. Ladies, keep your questions to the minimum. A "How was your day?" and "When are you going to be home?" will suffice. Spread out your question-asking throughout the day. Instead of insisting on knowing what your man wants for dinner the minute he steps out of work, wait 'til he gets home to talk about. Also, switch the question/answer balance from need-to-know to a conversation. Suddenly questions that seemed all-too intrusive become a conversation starter. And that's a plus.

Men, try to be patient with us. If we're getting too inquisitive, gently remind us we're being pesky, but be willing to talk about the issue later. And like I said, try to turn a police briefing into a nice conversation. If your gal just asks stupid questions in general, all the time, that may be a reflection of the kind of girl she is. When all else fails, just consider us April O'Neill, babe-licious reporter who can't get enough of you.

11. Love to hate besties
You're at a party, talking to two cute girls that are "BFFs since fifth grade." But for some reason, all they do is talk down about each other. Bringing up unprompted, obscure, and embarrassing memories, tripping, and then somehow finding a megaphone and proclaiming their undying love for each other. How peculiar. Best friends that appear to hate each other.

We've been searching high and low for a common reason as to why girls do this. Clearly we all have insecurities and the easiest way to make a guy overlook these things is by bringing up someone else's. Why do we do it to our friends?

Guys, don't give into a girl ripping on her friends. Encourage her to talk about the good qualities in them, the reason why they're friends to begin with. We promise - one little, "Come on... she's not that bad," from you will turn the conversation around. And girls - search yourself. Why do you have to point out things in your friends that would make them uncomfortable? Downplay the obvious competition between you and your friends. You need each other! Who's gonna hold your hair over the toilet when you puke? Who's gonna tell you when your crush is secretly flirting with some skeez? Who's gonna go to the pharmacy with you when you need a pregnancy test and talk to you during those terrible three to five minutes? Be confident enough in yourself that you don't need to bring anyone, especially someone you actually love, down.


12. Girls are so f*cking whimsical!

Girls are weird. We like to point out strange things about our partners, usually in public. We make stupid, off-putting jokes. We say inappropriate things. We get excited over trite like Sex in the City 2 (it's coming out in just 17 days!), pedicures, a specific (or nonspecific) song, finding a nickel, soft toilet paper, bobby pins with sparkles on them, Jonas Brothers, candles, Koala Yummies, etc... We want to relive the days of our sixth grade sleepovers. We ask you silly questions we know the answer to just to get a rise out of you. We have odd habits that annoy the hell out of you. We're inquisitive about the dumbest topics, usually right before bed. How could any man not love that?

The good news is, at the same time, we're nurturing, understanding and loving. Out of weirdness is born an even weirder sense of understanding our partners. We remember every answer to that stupid questions of, "What's your favorite ____?" and can incorporate them into a romantic surprise down the road. The very reason we're whimsical is probably the very reason why you love us, annoying or not.

Annoying Shit Girls Do Pt. II

Continued...


5. Shopaholic Syndrome
Girls love to shop. Get this: A poll conducted by GE Money of 3,000 women revealed that they make an average of 301 shopping trips per year, lasting a total of 399 hours and 46 minutes. That's eight years in a lifetime. Now that's including groceries and the boring stuff, but still - that's a lot of time. Men like to walk the aisles of Home Depot or Best Buy without actually purchasing anything, so what's wrong with giving up a couple years of life at the mall? Why do we do this?

There are a couple reasons. One is that clothing for women is ridiculous. If it fits on top, it doesn't fit on the bottom. If it looks great, it's hundreds of dollars. If it's the perfect tee, they don't have it in our size. It takes so long to find something that fits and looks nice. They don't measure pants sizes in inches, they just pick a random number that's divisible by two and there's no consistency from brand to brand. So in a way, we don't even really like shopping. It just literally takes that long. Two is that for some women shopping is relaxing. I (Erica) for one like to get lost among all the clearance racks and alas! Find that perfect, slightly out of season top for ten bucks! It's the thrill of a lifetime. I fear I may have a bargain shopping addiction, so maybe it's just me. Either way, guys, let us shop. You don't always have to be with us. If money's an issue (and you're the provider), give us a budget and we'll stick to it.


6. Acting drunker than they really are.
You know this kind of girl. Hell, you may even be this girl. You’re out at the bar or a party and everyone’s throwing them back pretty liberally. Then there’s the one girl who drinks half a fuzzy navel and begins acting like she inhaled a bottle of Jack. Her speech is slurred. Her midriff is showing. She’s telling strangers that she's in love with them, and that she was the junior cartwheel champ in 5th grade and she'll prove it if you don't believe her.

There are only two things that could be going on here: She either has not admitted to herself that drinking is just not for her in order to fit in... or she’s a whore. Unless you’re 85 pounds and haven't eaten all day, you don’t get drunk off one beer. It just doesn’t happen. When you see a girl dancing sloppily around after one light beer, chances are she’s faking it. And if she really is drunk, maybe instead of indulging in her antics, you should consider calling her an ambulance.

Why do girls “fake” being drunk? The answer’s simple. For the attention. I’ve (Jill) never done it because I don’t crave attention for being drunk. I just like to be drunk when the time calls for it. Some girls can only lower their inhibitions when they’re drinking. It’s sad, but it’s a fact of life. Next time you see a girl acting more drunk than you know she clearly is, slap the drink out of her hand and tell her to get real. My writing partner for this blog, Erica almost never drinks when we go out, and she has just as much fun as everyone else, sometimes more because she remembers everything and isn't hungover. There’s no reason for pretending. Erica’s confident enough in herself to not drink, stick by her personal decision and have a good time regardless of whether or not everyone’s drinking. "I don't need to drink to act like an ass. I'll do it any time, anywhere."-Erica, spoken like a true champ.

Fake drunken girls of the world take note -you’re not cute. Any girls who are drunk aren’t cute, but especially when you’re faking. It’s obvious, and you’re an attention whore. Take your antics elsewhere.


7. The great food debate.
So girls like us love food, but most women have a strained relationship with delicious sustenance. For some reason, it's not very feminine to give into the fact that we all literally need food. On a date, men find it annoying when girls order a salad. Some ladies want you to believe that they're very health conscious or something. But mainly we do this dainty dance around the plate because we don't want to look disgusting eating normal in front of you. Not yet at least. And also, if we have something heavy, we won't feel too good later. So don't assume we're not all about sliders at 2:00 AM. We just have to be 100% comfortable with you seeing us scarf it down.


8. "WOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"
Your friend just got engaged, your sister is pregnant, your mom just got a promotion, your college roommate had a good day at work, you cooked a mediocre dinner, you paid a bill on time, your dog took a shit. What do all these occurrences have in common? They are all reasons girls sit in a circle, flail their wrists and scream as if they’re in London during the hay-day of Beatles-Mania. What the hell?

Last night I (Jill) was the culprit of this very phenomenon. I was surrounded by flowing pitchers of beer, post-Hawks-win exuberance, the prospect of new friends, and the drunken debauchery that only "holidays" like Cinco de Mayo can bring. In short, I was excited - and talking about our upcoming trip to Vegas was the cherry on top. A new friend named Colleen was giving up tips and pointers about Vegas, as she’s a veteran of the place, having visited nearly 10 times. While describing an almost typical night in Vegas (“Have you guys considered going to a show? We went to a show kind of last minute…”), she dropped the bomb that made me red-handed guilty of a quality in women men find annoying. “We stayed at Mandolin Bay and they have this awesome beach-type concert venue there. You stand in the water, there’s sand, and the stage is in the middle of the water. We actually saw the beach boys! It was great!” Colleen said.

Nodding along in mutual agreement, my friends and I were already impressed with the story. A middle-of-the-water stage? Totally cool. Beach boys? Even better! Then she said it: “A special guest came out…You’ll never believe who it was... John Stamos!” In that moment, you could have recruited me to knock down the Berlin Wall to unite Berliners and Germans once more. I screamed/squealed so loud, people in the bar turned to stare. In that moment, I had the undivided attention of an entire bar of drunks.

After apologizing half-heartedly to the crowd, we resumed conversation, and things returned to normal. What is it about John Stamos that made me scream like a school girl? Well, for starters I love Full House. I love that him and the Beach Boys were friends on the show. And what’s even better is that they are friends in real life. The moral of the story is, there’s no rhyme or reason why girls scream and get excited over things you couldn’t possibly understand. It just happens. And when it does, just stick your finger in your ear, try to alleviate the pain from your eardrum rattling, and move on with your day. Yes, it's annoying, but there's nothing any of us can do about it.

Annoying Shit Girls Do Pt. I

We were at a friend's newly purchased mansion this weekend helping her and her hubs move in. Sitting in a circle on brand new carpet just talking, Relationshipmates became a topic of discussion and... lightbulb! We remembered that we were supposed to be polling guys about "annoying shit girls do." We got out our gournal and started word-for-word gournaling. Turns out, there are so many things on this list and we may have to split it into three parts. Four even!

So ladies, we did this for you (and ourselves). To maybe encourage you to cut the shit. Possibly stop some less than attractive behaviors. At the same time, we're going to explain to our male followers why we do some of these seemingly strange and pestering things.


1. Tears of irrationality.
So obviously girls are emotional. Alright, alright. Super emotional. Guys, we can't help it. It's because of the mass amounts of estrogen in our bodies. The thing that gives us the hourglass-shaped figure you love is the same thing that makes us cry during sappy commercials, which you think is lame. But it is weird when a flat tire, lost mail, or burnt toast sends us into hysterics. Here's the thing - when women cry, it's not because of what initially sets us off. It's because we've been suppressing that specific explosion of tears for some time, and now it's all pouring out. Often times we put off crying and it sneaks up on us. So boys, understand the reason why we started crying isn't necessarily the reason why we're crying. Ask us if there's something else on our minds. And girls, please be honest with your partner. Say, "That's not that main reason why I'm so emotional right now, this is why: _____." Even if you're saying it through gobs of snot, he'll be able to listen to you instead of rolling his eyes.


2. Subliminal orders.
You know the look. The "lets-get-out-of-here-or-I-

won't-talk-to-you-for-a-week" look. But what does he say back to you after seeing the look? "What's wrong with your face, babe? Did you just fart?" Ladies, we assume our men are so connected with us that even in a crowded room they should be able to pick up on our subtleties. This couldn't actually be further from the truth. Guys feel like they have to be able to read our minds in order to know how we're feeling. Don't make it so hard for them! What's so difficult about pulling them aside for ten seconds to tell them what you expect them to already know? Boys, like I said, we expect you to be in tune with us at all times. Yes this is a lot to expect, but do a little digging. Maybe the few times she was up front and honest with you, you may not have reacted too well. There's no chemical or physiological reason why girls do subliminal messages; it must be a learned trait.


3. Age.
A few things about women revolving around age annoy men. One of these is women trying to act younger than they are. Ultra low rise jeans, blue mascara, pretending our friends are our sisters, fuzzy steering wheel covers, pigtails, diaries... Come on ladies. There's a reason why the junior's department plays different music than the rest of the store. It's because we're too old for this crap. So why do we do this? It's the same reason guys hold onto baseball cards and still wrestle around with their bros. Things were simpler, funner, and all around better when we were younger and we try to relive our childhoods constantly. It's silly, but I think all genders are equally guilty. So men, don't be so upset with women when we act younger than we are. Would you rather us act older than our age? And how exactly does a 25-year-old act? Maturity will happen with life experience.

Another annoyance with age is that women don't get better looking with time. Men get a touch of gray and wear button ups more often. We spend thousands on trying to somehow erase smile lines from our faces so we look like we're never showed any emotion, suck fat from flabby zones, and put that same fat back into flat areas. It's absurd. Here's our theory though: the sexual drive peak of your gender is a direct correlation with the opposite gender's peak of physical attractiveness. Men hit their peak around 18. Women around 35. So enjoy the current looks of your partner, but know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And when you need them to be their hottest, they will be.


4. Road bumps VS. potholes.
When a guy experiences a shitty life occurrence, nothing is so serious that it couldn't easily be solved with a night at the local watering hole with some buddies. Throw a few back, and the next morning the unthinkable has become tolerable. Men bounce back quickly from life's road bumps. If they didn't, we wouldn't have the world leaders that we do or... technology as a whole. But women. Ah, women. We women dwell. We piss, we moan, we bitch. We worry, we cry. A comment from a coworker, an overdraft fee, or a pickle on our "no pickles please" order at McDonald's could send us into a hollow abyss of self-loathing for days. Weeks! Women tend to blow things out of proportion to the point where men get annoyed. Men treat the little wrongs of life as bumps in the road. A little difficult to overcome, but if you just brace yourself and glide right over it, you'll be fine. Women seem to get caught in potholes of misfortune, not only hitting the pothole, but experiencing a laundry list of pothole-related complaints: "That pothole was like ten thousand miles deep!" "Why hasn't someone fixed that pothole?" "Hey, where are those lazy construction dudes anyway? Does anyone even work anymore?!" Women get caught in life's bumps, then dwell on them long after they're even relevant.

Unfortunately it's in our nature to make drama out of every life occurrence. All I could say to women is, take a deep breath. Chances are the storm you're facing will blow over in a few days, and harping on it now will only make those few days go by much slower, all to the dismay of your man. Realize everyone has their own mess to sort through, and you complaining about yours, especially when it's something small, above all others' problems will most likely categorize you as annoying. Men, be patient with us. Gently show us the light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes, we don't want to hear how to fix the problem. Sometimes we just want you to listen.