Annoying Shit Girls Do Pt. II

Continued...


5. Shopaholic Syndrome
Girls love to shop. Get this: A poll conducted by GE Money of 3,000 women revealed that they make an average of 301 shopping trips per year, lasting a total of 399 hours and 46 minutes. That's eight years in a lifetime. Now that's including groceries and the boring stuff, but still - that's a lot of time. Men like to walk the aisles of Home Depot or Best Buy without actually purchasing anything, so what's wrong with giving up a couple years of life at the mall? Why do we do this?

There are a couple reasons. One is that clothing for women is ridiculous. If it fits on top, it doesn't fit on the bottom. If it looks great, it's hundreds of dollars. If it's the perfect tee, they don't have it in our size. It takes so long to find something that fits and looks nice. They don't measure pants sizes in inches, they just pick a random number that's divisible by two and there's no consistency from brand to brand. So in a way, we don't even really like shopping. It just literally takes that long. Two is that for some women shopping is relaxing. I (Erica) for one like to get lost among all the clearance racks and alas! Find that perfect, slightly out of season top for ten bucks! It's the thrill of a lifetime. I fear I may have a bargain shopping addiction, so maybe it's just me. Either way, guys, let us shop. You don't always have to be with us. If money's an issue (and you're the provider), give us a budget and we'll stick to it.


6. Acting drunker than they really are.
You know this kind of girl. Hell, you may even be this girl. You’re out at the bar or a party and everyone’s throwing them back pretty liberally. Then there’s the one girl who drinks half a fuzzy navel and begins acting like she inhaled a bottle of Jack. Her speech is slurred. Her midriff is showing. She’s telling strangers that she's in love with them, and that she was the junior cartwheel champ in 5th grade and she'll prove it if you don't believe her.

There are only two things that could be going on here: She either has not admitted to herself that drinking is just not for her in order to fit in... or she’s a whore. Unless you’re 85 pounds and haven't eaten all day, you don’t get drunk off one beer. It just doesn’t happen. When you see a girl dancing sloppily around after one light beer, chances are she’s faking it. And if she really is drunk, maybe instead of indulging in her antics, you should consider calling her an ambulance.

Why do girls “fake” being drunk? The answer’s simple. For the attention. I’ve (Jill) never done it because I don’t crave attention for being drunk. I just like to be drunk when the time calls for it. Some girls can only lower their inhibitions when they’re drinking. It’s sad, but it’s a fact of life. Next time you see a girl acting more drunk than you know she clearly is, slap the drink out of her hand and tell her to get real. My writing partner for this blog, Erica almost never drinks when we go out, and she has just as much fun as everyone else, sometimes more because she remembers everything and isn't hungover. There’s no reason for pretending. Erica’s confident enough in herself to not drink, stick by her personal decision and have a good time regardless of whether or not everyone’s drinking. "I don't need to drink to act like an ass. I'll do it any time, anywhere."-Erica, spoken like a true champ.

Fake drunken girls of the world take note -you’re not cute. Any girls who are drunk aren’t cute, but especially when you’re faking. It’s obvious, and you’re an attention whore. Take your antics elsewhere.


7. The great food debate.
So girls like us love food, but most women have a strained relationship with delicious sustenance. For some reason, it's not very feminine to give into the fact that we all literally need food. On a date, men find it annoying when girls order a salad. Some ladies want you to believe that they're very health conscious or something. But mainly we do this dainty dance around the plate because we don't want to look disgusting eating normal in front of you. Not yet at least. And also, if we have something heavy, we won't feel too good later. So don't assume we're not all about sliders at 2:00 AM. We just have to be 100% comfortable with you seeing us scarf it down.


8. "WOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"
Your friend just got engaged, your sister is pregnant, your mom just got a promotion, your college roommate had a good day at work, you cooked a mediocre dinner, you paid a bill on time, your dog took a shit. What do all these occurrences have in common? They are all reasons girls sit in a circle, flail their wrists and scream as if they’re in London during the hay-day of Beatles-Mania. What the hell?

Last night I (Jill) was the culprit of this very phenomenon. I was surrounded by flowing pitchers of beer, post-Hawks-win exuberance, the prospect of new friends, and the drunken debauchery that only "holidays" like Cinco de Mayo can bring. In short, I was excited - and talking about our upcoming trip to Vegas was the cherry on top. A new friend named Colleen was giving up tips and pointers about Vegas, as she’s a veteran of the place, having visited nearly 10 times. While describing an almost typical night in Vegas (“Have you guys considered going to a show? We went to a show kind of last minute…”), she dropped the bomb that made me red-handed guilty of a quality in women men find annoying. “We stayed at Mandolin Bay and they have this awesome beach-type concert venue there. You stand in the water, there’s sand, and the stage is in the middle of the water. We actually saw the beach boys! It was great!” Colleen said.

Nodding along in mutual agreement, my friends and I were already impressed with the story. A middle-of-the-water stage? Totally cool. Beach boys? Even better! Then she said it: “A special guest came out…You’ll never believe who it was... John Stamos!” In that moment, you could have recruited me to knock down the Berlin Wall to unite Berliners and Germans once more. I screamed/squealed so loud, people in the bar turned to stare. In that moment, I had the undivided attention of an entire bar of drunks.

After apologizing half-heartedly to the crowd, we resumed conversation, and things returned to normal. What is it about John Stamos that made me scream like a school girl? Well, for starters I love Full House. I love that him and the Beach Boys were friends on the show. And what’s even better is that they are friends in real life. The moral of the story is, there’s no rhyme or reason why girls scream and get excited over things you couldn’t possibly understand. It just happens. And when it does, just stick your finger in your ear, try to alleviate the pain from your eardrum rattling, and move on with your day. Yes, it's annoying, but there's nothing any of us can do about it.