Annoying Shit Girls Do Pt. I

We were at a friend's newly purchased mansion this weekend helping her and her hubs move in. Sitting in a circle on brand new carpet just talking, Relationshipmates became a topic of discussion and... lightbulb! We remembered that we were supposed to be polling guys about "annoying shit girls do." We got out our gournal and started word-for-word gournaling. Turns out, there are so many things on this list and we may have to split it into three parts. Four even!

So ladies, we did this for you (and ourselves). To maybe encourage you to cut the shit. Possibly stop some less than attractive behaviors. At the same time, we're going to explain to our male followers why we do some of these seemingly strange and pestering things.


1. Tears of irrationality.
So obviously girls are emotional. Alright, alright. Super emotional. Guys, we can't help it. It's because of the mass amounts of estrogen in our bodies. The thing that gives us the hourglass-shaped figure you love is the same thing that makes us cry during sappy commercials, which you think is lame. But it is weird when a flat tire, lost mail, or burnt toast sends us into hysterics. Here's the thing - when women cry, it's not because of what initially sets us off. It's because we've been suppressing that specific explosion of tears for some time, and now it's all pouring out. Often times we put off crying and it sneaks up on us. So boys, understand the reason why we started crying isn't necessarily the reason why we're crying. Ask us if there's something else on our minds. And girls, please be honest with your partner. Say, "That's not that main reason why I'm so emotional right now, this is why: _____." Even if you're saying it through gobs of snot, he'll be able to listen to you instead of rolling his eyes.


2. Subliminal orders.
You know the look. The "lets-get-out-of-here-or-I-

won't-talk-to-you-for-a-week" look. But what does he say back to you after seeing the look? "What's wrong with your face, babe? Did you just fart?" Ladies, we assume our men are so connected with us that even in a crowded room they should be able to pick up on our subtleties. This couldn't actually be further from the truth. Guys feel like they have to be able to read our minds in order to know how we're feeling. Don't make it so hard for them! What's so difficult about pulling them aside for ten seconds to tell them what you expect them to already know? Boys, like I said, we expect you to be in tune with us at all times. Yes this is a lot to expect, but do a little digging. Maybe the few times she was up front and honest with you, you may not have reacted too well. There's no chemical or physiological reason why girls do subliminal messages; it must be a learned trait.


3. Age.
A few things about women revolving around age annoy men. One of these is women trying to act younger than they are. Ultra low rise jeans, blue mascara, pretending our friends are our sisters, fuzzy steering wheel covers, pigtails, diaries... Come on ladies. There's a reason why the junior's department plays different music than the rest of the store. It's because we're too old for this crap. So why do we do this? It's the same reason guys hold onto baseball cards and still wrestle around with their bros. Things were simpler, funner, and all around better when we were younger and we try to relive our childhoods constantly. It's silly, but I think all genders are equally guilty. So men, don't be so upset with women when we act younger than we are. Would you rather us act older than our age? And how exactly does a 25-year-old act? Maturity will happen with life experience.

Another annoyance with age is that women don't get better looking with time. Men get a touch of gray and wear button ups more often. We spend thousands on trying to somehow erase smile lines from our faces so we look like we're never showed any emotion, suck fat from flabby zones, and put that same fat back into flat areas. It's absurd. Here's our theory though: the sexual drive peak of your gender is a direct correlation with the opposite gender's peak of physical attractiveness. Men hit their peak around 18. Women around 35. So enjoy the current looks of your partner, but know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And when you need them to be their hottest, they will be.


4. Road bumps VS. potholes.
When a guy experiences a shitty life occurrence, nothing is so serious that it couldn't easily be solved with a night at the local watering hole with some buddies. Throw a few back, and the next morning the unthinkable has become tolerable. Men bounce back quickly from life's road bumps. If they didn't, we wouldn't have the world leaders that we do or... technology as a whole. But women. Ah, women. We women dwell. We piss, we moan, we bitch. We worry, we cry. A comment from a coworker, an overdraft fee, or a pickle on our "no pickles please" order at McDonald's could send us into a hollow abyss of self-loathing for days. Weeks! Women tend to blow things out of proportion to the point where men get annoyed. Men treat the little wrongs of life as bumps in the road. A little difficult to overcome, but if you just brace yourself and glide right over it, you'll be fine. Women seem to get caught in potholes of misfortune, not only hitting the pothole, but experiencing a laundry list of pothole-related complaints: "That pothole was like ten thousand miles deep!" "Why hasn't someone fixed that pothole?" "Hey, where are those lazy construction dudes anyway? Does anyone even work anymore?!" Women get caught in life's bumps, then dwell on them long after they're even relevant.

Unfortunately it's in our nature to make drama out of every life occurrence. All I could say to women is, take a deep breath. Chances are the storm you're facing will blow over in a few days, and harping on it now will only make those few days go by much slower, all to the dismay of your man. Realize everyone has their own mess to sort through, and you complaining about yours, especially when it's something small, above all others' problems will most likely categorize you as annoying. Men, be patient with us. Gently show us the light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes, we don't want to hear how to fix the problem. Sometimes we just want you to listen.