22. Feeling Trapped

What do you do when you feel suffocated under the weight of your relationship? Assuming that you feel trapped as you're emotionally uneasy, not physically crushed by your partner, here's what we say...


Erica: If you're in a dating, minimal commitment relationship, you can run. If you're married, don't run.

As with all relationship issues Jill and I advise on, our first step to managing is to be honest - with yourself and with your partner. Get to the bottom of this problem immediately. Why exactly do you feel trapped? Are you just bored? Jealous of others around you? In need of attention (not necessarily a bad thing)? Mourning the loss of the spark from your relationship? There are a million reasons you could feel trapped when you really aren't.

When you tell your partner how you're feeling, he/she will most likely become defensive initially. They might think you're blaming them. This is all just a reaction of feeling hurt because you're not happy, and that could come as a shock to them. If they respond fantastically, keep talking. If they don't, you might want to leave the conversation and come back to it once they've had time to process.

If you want to stay with your partner, assure them that you're not going anywhere and that you just want to deal with these feelings before they consume you. If you need a break from the relationship... well then, hey. You need a break. If you think you need to see life without your relationship, you just have to do it. And you should never feel guilty about it. If you're married, you have to do something. You have to get help somewhere. Go get some counseling, by yourself and with your partner. It will help you deal with current issues and the ones you're bound to face in the future. I don't have much to say about this other than you have to be in charge of your life. When you're unhappy, make yourself happy. Make your life better. Hopefully you have an awesome partner that wants what's best for you.


Jill: I saw a great article about this a few months ago on a relationship blog I follow. A reader wrote in expressing her dissatisfaction with her relationship status. It wasn’t that she no longer loved her husband, but felt “trapped” in the sense that she wasn’t able to experience things other than being a wife. Having had married early, the reader felt as if she “missed out” on the single life. She never, however, would cheat on her husband. She needed suggestions as to alleviate these feelings without harming her beau. I think the columnist gave great advice, and I will recap some of it here.

Firstly, it’s a very good sign that the woman realized what she was feeling and brought those feelings to light rather than let them lie dormant, risking a potential breakdown. When you find yourself in this situation and have assessed it thoroughly enough to know that you don’t want to break things off, you have to find healthy outlets in which to exercise your freedom. Explain to your partner what you’re going through. What’s likely is that your behavior is changing a bit, and your partner has noticed. Tell them that it’s nothing they did and that you will be needing their help to start feeling better about yourself and about your relationship.

Taking a “break” to do whatever you want is not quite in the cards. Think about it: You hate your job. Realistically, can you “take a break” from it longer than your 2 weeks without having eyebrows raised in suspicion? No. The best thing you can do is find better circumstances.

Engage in healthy activities. What do you like to do? Sing? Paint? Listen to music? Run? Research and get involved with groups or happenings that coincide with your interests. Maybe you just need a friend or something to get involved with other than your significant other. It’s healthy and normal.

Instead of sleeping around, now’s your chance to be more honest with your partner about what’s going on between you two and what can be done to fix it. Hopefully your partner is understanding and lets you engage in outside activities and without getting ruffled feathers. Plus, don’t forget your girlfriends. They’re like the magic elixir to getting you out of the rut you're stuck in.

21. The Mama's Boy

Well, we all know Grandma's Boy and agree that it's a funny movie. But what's not funny, at all, is a mama's boy. A mama's boy doesn't necessarily describe a man that is strictly loyal to his mother. It can be a sister or other person that has a grip over this not-so-lucky guy's life.

Erica: Dating a mama's boy is like owning a pet alligator. (Clarissa Explains it All, say whaaa?) It sounds totally great, but in actuality, it bites. You think you want a guy that loves his mom and says she's the greatest, helps her out all the time, talks to her daily. But then you realize you're dating the both of them. And then a tense moment in the relationship comes up, you find your partner siding with his mom, and you're all alone.

Moms are great, no one is denying that. They take you to the doctor when you're certain you've contracted the black plague, they make your favorite kind of cake on your birthday, they get you new clothes when school starts, and they always answer their phone. And how could they not? That classic Nokia ringtone is reverberating throughout Jewel 24/7. "Now let me put on my reading glasses so I can see who's calling before I answer..."

A mom definitely has a special bond with her son. He needs someone to hug him when he scraps his knee, she need someone to cuddle with because she's lonely. He needs someone to fold his underwear, she needs something to do because she's bored. All those things sound cute when he's eight, but when he's over 18 (and that's really pushing it), it's the most unattractive and immature thing to see. Shame on the mother that fusses over her son, and shame on the son that allows his mom to do things for him he could do for himself. It's pitiful to watch and disgusting to be a part of. It's some sort of sick... Oedipus complex... that a wife or girlfriend could never fully grok. And can you blame us? We hold ourselves up to a different standard than your mother does. So we should have our own standard anyways. And truth be told - there are things we do for you that your mom could never, ever do.

So when a tiff arises, who do you go home to at the end of the day? If it's your partner, make sure you side with her. If it's your mom... well then your relationship probably isn't going anywhere anyways. And to the ladies dating or married to mama's boys, I'm sorry, but I've never seen a man change his mama's boy ways. Not even Ray Barone.


Jill: I find the more a man is a mama's boy, the more he ascribes to the school of the subordination of women. This probably isn't true in some cases, but in my experience, I was constantly being compared to the Betty Crocker-esque wonder woman that was his mother. I'd often hear:

"Your mom doesn't do your laundry?"
"No..."
"Well she likes doing laundry, so I just let her."

To quote Erica, "Say Whaaaa?" I don't care if your mom likes to clean up after you, or likes to do your laundry, or likes to bake you a steamy-delicious quiche on weekday mornings! That doesn't act as a free pass to be a baby until age 25, and it also doesn't give you, a. bragging rights, or b. criterion on which to base your girlfriends.

Let's be honest. Once in a while, if I happen to leave my laundry in the dryer, my mom will fold it. I don't ask her to, and I certainly don't expect her to. And I would never, ever expect a boyfriend of mine to do the same. So what's up with you guys?

I'm a pretty handy girl. I don't mind helping out with laundry, picking up after you (so long as it's not all the time and you pick up after me once and a while) or cooking a yummy dinner for the both of us. But when you purposely seek out your mom to do these things for you, it's time to grow up.

Living on your own usually helps. It's then you learn that the dishes don't do themselves, and if you don't clean that clump of hair out of the drain of the shower, you'll be ankle-deep in your own filth. Usually this is enough of a slap of reality to get your ass into housewife gear.

I knew somebody in college that was so messy, when his mother came to visit, she spent most of the visit doing dishes, scrubbing down the stove, picking up random socks and even thanking me for taking care of the place once in a while. Hmmm. Somehow this doesn't translate into the most attractive attribute a guy can have.

I think it's important that a man has a good relationship with his mom, so long as it doesn't interfere with his expectations of you as a girlfriend or potential wife.

20. What if my partner has bad taste in music?

What if your boyfriend or girlfriend has bad taste in music? No, not different from your taste - straight up bad taste. Not, "He likes country, I like rap." More like, "She likes ICP and Heidi Montag, and I like sounds that don't make my ears want to commit suicide."


Erica: Say your whole relationship is lining up like the planets 2012. You have lots of other things in common - movies, education, food, values, sense of humor, etc. But whenever you get in the car, it's WWIII in the VW for who can get their iPod (or Zune) plugged in first. What to do, what to do.

Take it as just another r-ship hardship to be dealt with head-on. You've got to compromise, and hopefully your superior music taste will radiate onto your significant other. Is what their listening to just a guilty pleasure? Don't hold it against them if they just have to hear "I'm a Slave 4 U" once in a while, or crank "Bawitdaba" when it comes on the radio. You can't expect everyone to like what you like, however "superior" it may be, and you can't expect whomever you're dating to automatically take to your preferences.

Believe it or not, for a few years me and Dan had pretty much identical taste in music. Then I stopped lying to myself because I just can't deny pop, and there's nothing wrong with that. When I'm by myself, I listen to whatever speaks to me at that moment. Yeah, I still pull up some of Dan's go-to jewels, Iron & Wine or the New Amsterdams, when the time is right because it takes me back. But when Dan and I are sharing listening space, we trade off. One album for me (ladies first), one album for him. All under one circumstance - the other person can't hate what you want to play. And I mean hate like you hate getting a flat tire on the freeway. I've ex-ed a couple of bands, and Dan's done the same. And you'll be happy to know we both fully enjoy Justin Timberlake. (Remember, it's always sweet when it's your album turn and you pick one of your boo's favies.)

So in other words, don't freak out about what your lovely listens to in their own time. But when you're together, lean on your similarities. Find the compromise and use it.

Jill: What do you do when your beau has an awful taste in music? Luckily for me, all the guys I’ve been with have had a great taste in music and that taste rubbed off on me. I’ve been interested in guys whose musical pinnacle stretched no further than Dave Matthew’s Band (I love me some Dave, but there’s more to the world than “Ants Marching”). Side note on Dave fans –aka- Dave fans that give Dave Matthews Band fans a bad name: They just want any excuse to don their pseudo moccasins, khaki shorts and pastel colors and harp on about “One Sweet World.”

Anyway, your partner’s musical taste says a lot about who they are. Do they prefer acoustic songs? They’re probably pretty sensitive and in touch with their feelings. Heavy mental means they like to rock out and typically don’t give a f*ck. Progressive rock shows they’re ready to take on new styles and appreciate odd musical influences. Musical theater? Showy and sassy! Classical? Profound and artistic. Jazz music signals a free spirit, someone who likes to groove. People who love pop music enjoy staying current with the times. Every musical styling says something different. What does your music style say about you or your partner?

Evaluate the kind of music you love compared to your partners. Are there similarities/differences? Does your partner prefer sweet melodies to rockin’ solos? Do they consider Nickelback’s debut album a work of genius (Why am I always hating on Nickelback? Because they’re what’s wrong with the world)? If so, do like Lester Bangs in Almost Famous. Be a musical mentor. Let your lover borrow the Rolling Stones, Yes, Cars, Cure, Clash or Bowie albums you undoubtedly have. Time to explore new horizons, one sexy song at a time.