21. The Mama's Boy

Well, we all know Grandma's Boy and agree that it's a funny movie. But what's not funny, at all, is a mama's boy. A mama's boy doesn't necessarily describe a man that is strictly loyal to his mother. It can be a sister or other person that has a grip over this not-so-lucky guy's life.

Erica: Dating a mama's boy is like owning a pet alligator. (Clarissa Explains it All, say whaaa?) It sounds totally great, but in actuality, it bites. You think you want a guy that loves his mom and says she's the greatest, helps her out all the time, talks to her daily. But then you realize you're dating the both of them. And then a tense moment in the relationship comes up, you find your partner siding with his mom, and you're all alone.

Moms are great, no one is denying that. They take you to the doctor when you're certain you've contracted the black plague, they make your favorite kind of cake on your birthday, they get you new clothes when school starts, and they always answer their phone. And how could they not? That classic Nokia ringtone is reverberating throughout Jewel 24/7. "Now let me put on my reading glasses so I can see who's calling before I answer..."

A mom definitely has a special bond with her son. He needs someone to hug him when he scraps his knee, she need someone to cuddle with because she's lonely. He needs someone to fold his underwear, she needs something to do because she's bored. All those things sound cute when he's eight, but when he's over 18 (and that's really pushing it), it's the most unattractive and immature thing to see. Shame on the mother that fusses over her son, and shame on the son that allows his mom to do things for him he could do for himself. It's pitiful to watch and disgusting to be a part of. It's some sort of sick... Oedipus complex... that a wife or girlfriend could never fully grok. And can you blame us? We hold ourselves up to a different standard than your mother does. So we should have our own standard anyways. And truth be told - there are things we do for you that your mom could never, ever do.

So when a tiff arises, who do you go home to at the end of the day? If it's your partner, make sure you side with her. If it's your mom... well then your relationship probably isn't going anywhere anyways. And to the ladies dating or married to mama's boys, I'm sorry, but I've never seen a man change his mama's boy ways. Not even Ray Barone.


Jill: I find the more a man is a mama's boy, the more he ascribes to the school of the subordination of women. This probably isn't true in some cases, but in my experience, I was constantly being compared to the Betty Crocker-esque wonder woman that was his mother. I'd often hear:

"Your mom doesn't do your laundry?"
"No..."
"Well she likes doing laundry, so I just let her."

To quote Erica, "Say Whaaaa?" I don't care if your mom likes to clean up after you, or likes to do your laundry, or likes to bake you a steamy-delicious quiche on weekday mornings! That doesn't act as a free pass to be a baby until age 25, and it also doesn't give you, a. bragging rights, or b. criterion on which to base your girlfriends.

Let's be honest. Once in a while, if I happen to leave my laundry in the dryer, my mom will fold it. I don't ask her to, and I certainly don't expect her to. And I would never, ever expect a boyfriend of mine to do the same. So what's up with you guys?

I'm a pretty handy girl. I don't mind helping out with laundry, picking up after you (so long as it's not all the time and you pick up after me once and a while) or cooking a yummy dinner for the both of us. But when you purposely seek out your mom to do these things for you, it's time to grow up.

Living on your own usually helps. It's then you learn that the dishes don't do themselves, and if you don't clean that clump of hair out of the drain of the shower, you'll be ankle-deep in your own filth. Usually this is enough of a slap of reality to get your ass into housewife gear.

I knew somebody in college that was so messy, when his mother came to visit, she spent most of the visit doing dishes, scrubbing down the stove, picking up random socks and even thanking me for taking care of the place once in a while. Hmmm. Somehow this doesn't translate into the most attractive attribute a guy can have.

I think it's important that a man has a good relationship with his mom, so long as it doesn't interfere with his expectations of you as a girlfriend or potential wife.