17. "Let's stay friends."

Jill: Katie discussed this topic in length a few posts ago. But how does one deal with losing the friendship of a friend-turned lover? Not all lovers start out as such. You befriend someone and after several years discover a romantic attraction. Taking things further, though, is risky, because you’re putting your friendship that clearly works on the line for love.

Sometimes things work out and your lover is also your best friend. But as we all know, best friends often bump heads, meaning your relationship could meet and untimely demise. So how do you cope with losing their friendship that worked so well? How do you not want to beat yourself up for believing a relationship would work between you two when a friendship meant he/she could have stayed in your life forever, potentially?

Is this a case of, “It’s better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all?” As much as it sucks, I think so. There’s a reason you two decided to take things further. If it doesn’t work out and you beat yourself up for not being able to return to that friendship you once had, you’re belaboring a point that’s no longer relevant. Things progressed, and there’s nothing you can do about it afterward that’s going to bring the “old” friendship back. Things are different now. Accept it.

After accepting it, depending on how you and your ex lover/friend feel, you can maybe rekindle a friendship. For that, see the post on being friends with your ex here.

Losing a friend is like losing your dog. When he/she’s ready and loyal enough, they will come back. Just don’t take it personally if they get run over.

Erica: Here’s my rule when it comes to dating friends… if you can be friends, stay friends. But if you can’t stand not kissing them, take it a step further. Take that risk.

Or try this. It worked for me once. We were so-so buddies, bored, made out a few times, but then we decided being good pals was even better than randomly hooking up. So we stopped the freak sessions and we’ve been great friends ever since. Things don’t always work out that well, but I feel like as long as you’re honest with each other, it can work out. Don’t get in over your head.

I’ve seen the opposite happen. Friends, took it to the next level, never stopped, deep emotional involvement, went nowhere, and had to break it off. Although it didn’t necessarily end a friendship, hearts were broken. Is it worth the pain? I’d have to say yes. Plus, you have something hilarious to talk about when you’re both drunk. “Dude. ‘Member the time we made out?” Ah, memories.

If you and your friend-turned-lover have to end things romantically, make sure you create plenty of space between you. No talking about anything too personal, no random hooking up, and try to avoid running into each other. Time has to pass. This time will heal you and allow you to move on. If you don’t have to end things… enjoy your lovely friend-relationship!