23. Angry Men

Jill: While at a party last night, Erica and I were reminded of a phenomena, which certainly dates back to the beginning of time and has to be addressed.

Making a lap around the party before committing to a location, I found myself greeting the host of it. After feeling pretty good about our welcome there, I was pretty rudely almost smashed aside by an angry guy flinging a wooden gate open so fast, it fell off its hinges. More rage ensued (over what, I don't know) throughout the night. I observed him kicking around a red solo cup in the living room by himself, eventually coming to smash it under the weight of his shoe. Then, as I went to the bathroom upstairs, I found him sprawled on the floor, face down, having some self-induced tantrum. I asked, "Are you ok?" and received no answer, only a mere grumble as if to signify he was pissed and going to ruin everyone's night over it (he didn't).

What's with guys and anger? When they get mad, they get mega pissed and everyone's at the receiving end of their wrath. It's not fair to anyone, especially us girls at whom they are taking it out on (usually unrightfully so). You know a guy's angry when you see him huffing and puffing, tearing jerky from his teeth, punching walls and breaking inanimate objects. In other words, men almost always have to display their anger physically or else it doesn't resolve itself in their minds.

Women tend to keep violence to a minimum (for the most part) and just bitch and moan about shit that makes them angry. Albeit this is annoying, but at least its not physically dangerous or causing damage. Men feel some sort of urge to backlash, to prove that their anger is real. They really succumb to their anger, let it show and expect that someone's going to do something about it. But no one will. They have to find a way to cope and deal. Otherwise they'll just be pushed aside and brushed off by complete strangers like myself and that guy at the party, or scare away mates, friends and other loved ones with their irrational outbursts of anger.

Erica: The best example I can think of involves a man I know very well, a teething toddler, an ungodly hour, and a baby monitor. At about 2:00 AM, Amelia wakes up again, the fifth time since we put her to bed initially. Dan uncharacteristically grabs the monitor and whips it across the room, bursting it into three separate pieces. Now I was angry too. Extremely angry and tired. But did I think breaking something would do anything? Not only did it not help, it left me without a monitor all day the next day. Luckily, a replacement monitor is like $20 and Amelia started sleeping through the night (sometimes). We stopped worrying about giving too much infant Tylenol, I stopped denying that I have broke an electronic device or two out of anger, and we got over it.

Anger is the hardest emotion to deal with. Festering up inside of you, it eats away at your clear, sane thoughts. But does it always seem like a man's anger makes whatever is causing the anger ten times worse? It's utterly counter-productive. How rare is it to see a hole in the wall in a female's bedroom that wasn't caused from too many thumbtacks holding up boy band posters? Boys punch things, kick over shit, and on special occasions, spit when they're pissed. What does this do? Does it really make them feel better?

Maybe once they hurt themselves or break something, it releases some of that anger and they feel better. Or maybe men simply can't think of a better way to manage their rage. Either way, as a partner, standing in the path of destruction is not smart. And calling them out in the midst of the rampage is equally stupid. So wait out the extremeness of man's anger and have a nice chat afterward. Say things like, "When you get physical because you're angry, it makes me feel ____." Not, "Omg. You're a freakin' manic. Calm the eff down." Possibly he'll never be able to change that reaction to anger, but maybe he can divert it to a pillow instead of a wall. Or maybe he can attack those clogged gutters. Or have angry sex.