25. Pretty Petty Arguments

Erica: I can't remember any of the stupid arguments I've had in love and life for one simple reason. Because all those arguments truly are stupid. Trivial. Unimportant. A waste of time. Obtuse. There are so many things in life worth getting upset about - oil spills, racism, inequality, puppy mills... Why does it seem like the things we should pay attention to, we ignore? And the things that don't matter, we obsess over and bring back to life for years after they should have been squashed? We choose to disregard dozens of snide, hurtful comments because, "Oh he doesn't mean it." And we go crazy about shoes on the couch. Which one is truly more disrespectful, and most likely an indicator of someone's true intentions?

When a stupid argument begins, the best idea is to look it in the ugly mug and end it. "It's okay. I know you didn't mean to trudge through the house with mud on your shoes, but can you just remember to take them off so we don't have to clean it up again? I'd rather make out than clean." Get to the bottom of these seemingly small issues, both you and your partner. Why do certain things really bother you? Why do you feel the need to criticize? Why can't you forget about some things? And when your partner explains their reasoning as to why they were upset, you have to try to the believe them - even if it's a ridiculous excuse. Maybe just hearing yourselves say why you're actually upset, you'll won't get upset about it the next time. But go with your gut. If they tell you, "I just care about you so much," but you know that they're just trying to control you, call them out on it. That's an argument worth having.

The good news about life is that the older you get and the more experience you have with people, the less you care about these trivial arguments. If someone in your life likes hanging on to these silly little things, then it might be time to just let them go.

Jill:

Argument 1: She was “hovering” in the kitchen, meaning she didn’t trust him to cook dinner.
Reality: He feels insecure being watched, and she's just trying to help.

Argument 2: She nags him again about when he is going to get a job.
Reality: He doesn't want to face possible rejection, and she's worried that he has no motivation.

Argument 3: He’s angry that she doesn’t brush her teeth three times a day, especially before bed.
Reality: She's offended that he thinks she doesn't take care of herself, and he just worries about her dental hygiene.

Argument 4: She’s upset he doesn’t go to bed at a reasonable hour during the workweek, then sleeps away time they could have spent together during the weekend.
Reality: He doesn't like being told what to do, and she just wants to spend time with him.

At the time, these arguments seemed pretty valid. Yet, trivial issues fire us up and bring out the Mr. Hyde in us all. Horrible arguments usually conjure themselves out of thin air, escalating from an issue that’s so trivial, you normally don’t even think about it.

How do you avoid such arguments? It’s difficult to predict. If you feel like your partner continuously picks fights with you, you have to consider showing them the door, because it’s a completely unhealthy situation. Is this a person you want to share a life with? Someone who nitpicks your every move, starting a fight over something ridiculous?

Let’s consider valid arguments, though. Let’s say your girlfriend is still talking to her ex-boyfriend. She insists they are ‘just friends,” but it rubs you the wrong way and makes you uncomfortable. After approaching her about it, she gets hostile, defensive. A fight ensues and lasts for days, even weeks. How do you deal?

My best advice is approach it with a level head. If you are out of your mind angry about an issue, of course the person you are trying to be reasonable with isn’t going to perceive you as reasonable. You’ll look like you’re attacking your partner, rather than trying to prove an important point. Keep your cool. They’re more likely to listen if you’re not screaming so loud you can’t even hear yourself talk. Discuss why things upset you. Be reasonable, with an open mind and heart. If said girl you are trying to work things out with becomes irate and banishes you to the couch for a week over it, face the cold hard fact: your r-ship has sunk.