Jill: Pull the girdle tighter. Paint on the red lipstick (try to keep it off your teeth). Pluck, tweeze and squeeze. Shave, lather, rinse. Slip on your 4” heels (much to the dismay of the balls of your feet). Stuff the girls in their respective cups. Oh the wonder! Slip into those itchy, beautiful, mysterious lace panties. Stick in your bump it. Tease-n-spray. Grab your clutch and stumble out into the night. You. Are. Woman. Ladies, you know the routine. If you’re not wearing heels, you’re not trying hard enough. You should have lost your pooch by now, because you in those shorts will look rather unsightly if you don’t. And won’t you get a pedicure, for god’s sake? Your nail polish is totally chipped, and we’re all judging.
Being a woman is hard. I got my eyebrows done a few months ago in a relatively nice salon. The woman Neda from Turkey (a fabulous cosmetologist, by the way) was going to town on my eyebrows. Trimming, plucking, tweezing. It hurt. We got to know each other little by little, yank by painful yank. She said to me, “You’re a low-maintenance girl, aren’t you?”
This occurrence got me thinking. I guess for the most part I am. I take care of what needs to be taken care of, occasionally paying special attention to certain areas. For example, this week I better work out my inner thighs: they’re getting jiggly. I should probably paint my toenails and wear heels to this one event. And next week, if I want to look good in that dress, it’s time for a haircut.
It’s normal. It’s upkeep and maintenance. If you want your car to run, you take it for an oil change. If you’re like me, you vacuum it out and wash it every couple months. But what about those people that run to Delta Sonic three times for a wash and wax? All the fixings?
Some girls though expect too much out of themselves.
One girl I know has 82 pairs of shoes. Not 82 shoes. 82 pairs. She doesn’t wear the same outfit in a 6-month cycle. A pair of expensive sunglasses can always be found resting on top of her head. Her nails are painted an immaculate color of deep maroon at all times. It’s 8 in the morning, and her hair falls in perfect hot roller tendrils down her back. She’s also never been on a date in six years, has a hard time making and keeping friends, and is the company laughing stock. Nice enough girl, just has her priorities mixed up.
I guess what I’m getting at is that getting gussied up every single day is more of a chore than it’s worth. It’s great to look presentable and pretty. But going all out every single day is totally bogus. Pick and choose your occasions, girls. Quit getting dolled up day in and day out. You’re making us truly beautiful, down-to-earth girls look bad. Not that we care about that sort of thing, because we’re down-to-earth. I know it won't get me anywhere by saying this (because you won't listen), but ladies, you don't need all those bells and whistles. You're beautiful with or without your highlights, designer bag and 5" heels. Just remember that next time you get dressed up to go to Home Depot.
Erica: Jill and I found ourselves in a bogus situation this weekend wearing some bogus shoes. We were sneaking around a reception hall in our mega heels thinking, "What the hell is wrong with us?" The bride herself was wearing hiking sandals! So why were we attempting to cha-cha slide through the night a measly four inches taller? Two rough hours later, we put some flippy-floppies on.I read this quote from Dita Von Teese a while ago about how she chose to look the way she does because she can recreate herself (a blond gal from Michigan) into the Hollywood starlets she admired while growing up. With machines and science, wiring, chemicals, not to mention surgeries and silicone, and years of practice we can turn into the image of beauty. And then there's still something else we want to change.
Why do we do this? Does the pressure come from insecurities we have about ourselves? Is it from the hundreds of "sex sells" advertisements we're bombarded with daily? Or is it just to fit in with all the other women around us that do the same things every morning to look like themselves?
The truth is, it's too expensive and too time consuming to try and play keeping up with the Kardashians. And another truth you'll be happy to hear is that most guys, the guys that are worth getting dolled up for, don't even care. They just want you to be comfortable in your own skin. So do yourself and your guy a favor and relax. Even Marylin Monroe's iconic pink "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" dress is a size 14. You know the essentials - take a shower, pluck the eyebrows, roll on little mascara, and put on jeans - it does wonders. Think about that one girlfriend you have that wears too much makeup, spends too much money on ill-fitting clothes, and then you see her first thing in the morning after a slumber party without her mask, wearing sweats, looking amazing. Sure, these Frankenbeauties may get some attention you don't get, but it's bad attention. Attention that gets nice girls into big, fat trouble.
You're great the way you are. Only do things that make you feel better about yourself on the inside, not what forces you into some sort of mold. Anyone that tells you different or expects you to look like someone you're not, they're projecting what they want of themselves onto you. Keep it real, bitch.
No comments:
Post a Comment