13. The Unwanted Third Wheel

You feel them peeking over your shoulder as you write a love letter. Following you down a dark alley but always remaining at least ten paces behind you. Jumping into your backseat through a window seconds before you peel out. It is... the unwanted third wheel.


Erica: The unwanted third wheel is a shape-shifter, taking the form of several different things. It varies from relationship to relationship. A sibling, a friend, an ex, a parent, even a dog. It can be a job, phone, computer, car, jealousy, bad attitude, or the past. Anything that seems like it's always there, pestering you and stopping your relationship from progressing. It's a perpetual snag in your time together. Because time alone is essential, when something is constantly in the way, the third wheel becomes part of your relationship. And you know what? It's hard enough to have a relationship with two people, you shouldn't have to deal with "party of three."

When the third wheel is a person, it's important to actually agree with your partner that the third wheel actually is unwanted. Some girls annoyingly want their friends around all the time, and I don't think too many boyfriends are into that. You essentially become the third wheel to your own relationship, and you're constantly competing for your partner's attention. So clear this up with your significant other. "Can it just be me and you today?" "Let's go by ourselves this time." "Cuz tonight is the night that 2 become 1." If they're not into the alone time, they probably aren't into you.

That said, you can't be alone all the time. We've all seen those new couples that go into a relationship coma for six months, turning down every chance to hang out with friends. Then they're like, "I never see you any more! We should hang out!" And guess what. The friends are over it. But back to getting rid of the unwanted third wheel. If it's someone that's so nice and just wants to hang out with you two, you'll have to be creative in letting them down easily.

Third wheel: "What's going on tonight?"
You: "Oh, Billy and I were going to lock ourselves inside and have an hour long make-out session."

No one wants in on that, not even the third wheel. If they are wanting in on that... we have an unwanted threesome on our hands and that's another issue.

For our younger readers - it's different when a sibling or a parent is purposefully chaperoning you. But even when you're fifteen taking a walk is allowed. Get out of the living room! Go to the library, get an ice cream cone. Being alone doesn't have to be intimate, it just has to be third-wheel-free. If you feel like you might be an unwanted third wheel, here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Does it seem like plans are always made without your input?
2. Are there always inside jokes going that you don't quite get?
3. Is it always a fight to say your two cents during conversation?

A "yes" to any of these gives me reason to believe you may be an unwanted third wheel. If you know you're an unwanted third wheel... stop it. Talk to your partner if the unwanted third wheel is there due to their decisions. If they're not willing to erase this problem, it might be time to walk.


Jill: The unwanted third wheel, like Erica said, can take many different shapes and forms, all more frustrating than the next. When it's a person, there's a fight. When it's an object, there's a fight behind why an object is taking precedence. When it's a hobby turned obsession, it's a fight about being borderline OCD.

A reader of ours pulled me aside at a party and asked me to address her certain dilemma. Her boyfriend is being "stalked" by a girl he's known on and off for three years. Putting an end to it is difficult because the unwanted girl's father is her boyfriend's boss. This has guilt and obligation written all over it. The "other" girl consistently pesters the couple, saying derogatory and offensive remarks to the girl. The guy feels like he can't stand up to her, telling her to buzz off once and for all (they've even considered a restraining order) in fear he'll be in bad standing with his boss.

How does a couple handle this situation? The easy answer is to ignore it and hope it goes away. The right answer is to tactfully take the bull by its horns and just handle it! Although a job is very important, hurting your partner out of fear of losing it is selfish and cruel. What I would advise to her or a couple dealing with an unwanted third wheel situation is to handle it appropriately, preferably without hurting your partner. Your loyalty should lie with your partner, not with your job (or other said third wheels) at the sake of your partner.

When a hobby, person or obsession becomes a problem between the two of you, the best thing to do is assess the situation. Is the third wheel in question a friend who wants to hang out every so often? If so, then you're probably out of line to bring anything up. But if the third wheel is some sort of dark force putting space between you and your loved one, consider talking about it. Be polite, though, because A. The third wheel may be something he/she really loves as a part of their life, or B. They may become even more frustrated with the entire situation and want to give up on it permanently.