9. Reader writes: "What do I do at the spork in the road?"

We got a good e-mail from a reader and we thought it's a good topic to discuss in general. There are many twists and turns in a relationship. The road gets bumpy at times. But when you come to a halt and a decision has to be made, what do you do?
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Dear Relationshipmates,
I've been dating this guy for quite some time. He's great and a dream for any girl. We've gone through some bumps recently, and we're not totally serious right now, but he believes I'm the one for him. The problem is, in my life right now, all I want to do is focus on me. I don't want any sort of intimate relationship with anyone right now. I don't want to lead him on, but he's ready to settle down and I'm just get started with finding myself.

Jill: I think you know what you need to do, you just need affirmation. Sometimes leaving someone you care about is just as hard as being left, and that's normal. Clearly you still have some sort of feelings for him, otherwise you wouldn't have a problem just up and leaving.

I respect the fact that you recognize you need to be single right now to figure out who you are outside of your relationship. There's nothing wrong with self-discovery, so long as it's done in a healthy manner (and I think you're on the right track considering you're saying you don't want any form of intimacy. It would be a different story if you just wanted to go out and play the field).

However, if this is the decision you're making, you must stick to your guns. You cannot lead this guy on. I've been on the other end of this and it's the worst torture you can imagine. If you truly want to be alone, you need to explain to this guy very firmly that you cannot be together and won't be able to work things out in the foreseeable future. Explain to him that it's nothing he did wrong.

Unfortunately, if your guy is anything like me, they may struggle for a long while with what went wrong and what they did wrong. He did nothing wrong. In fact, from the way you describe him, he did everything right. That's what's going to make him scratch his head for a long time, especially if you continue to see him casually. He'll think, "Great! she wants to work this out, otherwise we wouldn't be seeing each at all!" While you have no intentions of anything serious, he's hoping your occasional company will yield something more.

The main point to take away is this: is this what you really want? To do you truly want to be single and you are slightly remorseful you're leaving something most girls dream about? Or does his company and companionship mean so much to you that you're willing to work it out with him? You're going to have to think long and hard so that if you choose the first option, you must choose to walk away indefinitely. It may be a hard step, but you'll be saving him and yourself excess heartache.

Erica: Yep, nothing wrong with wanting to be single, even if he's great and wants you that much more. And everything is right with wanting to fully give your attention to studies or career choices. You're not necessarily in a bad position. It can turn bad, but it's not bad right now. Think a little more positively: you're coming up to a spork in the r-ship road. Since you're not currently very serious, take this as a break. Be brave and focus on yourself. It sounds like you want time to figure out what you really want. It would be irresponsible to not take that time. If he loves you as much as you're saying he does, he'll wait out the break. He might choose to date around a bit, but you can't hold that against him. His heart might already be broken from your choice to focus on yourself, so he might seek some comfort in another girl's arms. Would that make you crazy? Does the reality of losing him scare you or bother you? That's a sign, whichever way you feel. I knew I wanted to marry my husband when I couldn't stand the thought of him with someone else. (I'm not saying you should get married if you get jealous at the thought of him with someone else.)

You have to be completely honest with him. And like Jill said, tell him he's done everything right, but that's not where you're at in life at this moment. He might be very upset at first, but he'll respect you for being honest. If he really wants to be with you, he'll wait. You could ask him to wait if you wanted to, but again, you can't be mad if he doesn't. You're leaving the relationship to pursue yourself, and he's allowed to pursue himself in different ways. Sometimes relationships need time apart so you can grow in being individuals.

I don't think you're in a bad spot. You're young and should take this time for yourself so that you'll become the person you're meant to be. And if he's still there with you in the end, you know you've found a keeper.