7. If you wanna be my lover, should you get with my friends?

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.

You guessed it... Spice Girls.

It’s said that friends are the family you get to choose. But some times we're closer to our friends than we are to our family. Families can be overly judgmental, fleeting, untrustworthy, and yet you’re stuck with them. But when you’re in a relationship, “meeting the family” is a huge deal. Why is meeting the friends not a huge deal?

An age-old question only the Spice Girls have the answer to. You gotta get with my friends (or at least be able to get along with my friends). When you first fall for someone, they usually become the #1 priority in your life until you remember, “There were these people I used to know. They were always really fun and supportive. What are they called again? Oh yeah…my friends!” Then comes the true test of endurance for your relationship. Can your partner get along with your friends and vice versa?


Erica: As much as a relationship is between two people, it's kind of hard not to worry about what your friends feel about your honey. I see it all the time. A guy is dating a girl. He thinks her friends are lame and annoying, talk too much, say "Woo!" in public too much, and have terrible taste in music and in movies. To this turd of a man I say, the reason your girlfriend is friends with this specific group is because she has enough in common with them to warrant a friendship. In a sense, they're the same! She says "Woo!" when you're not around. When you say (or even think, we can tell) mean things about our friends, you're saying the same things about us.

What the Spice Girls say is true. So damn true. "If you want to be my lover, you have to get (along) with my friends." You can't be constantly worrying about frictions between people that matter to you. It's a terrible way to live. If both your partner and your friends want what's best with you, they will put forth the effort to make connections together. I'm not saying they have to have inside jokes or anything, but they have to have that one thing in common: your happiness. If either party can't put aside natural, selfish reactions to sharing you, then it might be time to rid yourself of that toxicity. Listen to warning signs from both sides. "He's so mean to you," "Your friends are obnoxious," and "How can you stand to be around them?" are all red flags that you need to look out for. Your job is to maintain balance in your life, whatever it takes.

Girl power.


Jill: Some people don’t care if their friends like their partner: “Whatever! It’s my life and my girlfriend (boyfriend)!” But on the inside, there’s going to be some turmoil there. You either continue to bring around the disliked partner, or you avoid your friends all together, both options that create animosity. Let’s face it: In a perfect world, your partner would be just as cool, fun, smart and sexy with you and your friends as they are behind closed doors. Yet, how come they’re gazing at boxing re-runs on T.V. with glazed-over eyes, looking bored to tears while you and your friends are drinking and having a great time?

Some points to consider:

- If you notice that your partner is uninvolved with your friends, have you considered switching up you and your friends’ routine a bit? Maybe your partner’s simply tired of the bar scene. As a wise fortune cookie once told me, change is the watchword of progression.

- Just because they’re your friends, doesn’t make them your partner’s friends. However, that doesn’t give your beau the license to badmouth your friends, make negative comments about them, etc. Like Erica said, saying something negative about your significant other’s friend, no matter how true, is uncalled for, unless they ask for your honest opinion. Plus, your partner’s comments/attitudes about your friends are an inadvertent observation about you, considering these are the people you choose to surround yourself with.

- Think about why your partner and your friends aren’t getting along. Are your friends treating him/her unfairly? Have they been offensive or cruel to your one and only? If so, maybe you should consider new friends. But, if your friends have been…well, friendly, and there’s still problems, it’s time to consider kicking your partner in the ass and finding someone who truly does love you, and every part of you, including your friends.