14. "Not tonight."

Jill: I've never experienced firsthand having a partner who was never in the mood to do the dirty, but there have been times when IT IS time and my partner simply didn't feel like it. I know you’re not supposed to take those sorts of things personally (unless they make it clear that it is a personal thing), but you can’t help but feel defeated and rejected when your partner doesn’t feel like doing it.

A couple suggestions:

1. Set the mood- Life’s busy. Between work, bills, possibly kids and upkeep of life/living space in general, it can be hard to find the time to wind-down and get ready for intimacy. Instead of bringing it up verbally, “Hey do you wanna…?” Set the mood instead. Lie down, relax, put on some baby-making music, talk about your days, and give your partner a back rub. In other words, butter them up a little and make ‘em purr. A little touch can go a long way, and if you do it just right, they may want some more.

2. If it comes to the point where their rejection is negatively affecting your ego, have a little sit down with them. Explain that it’s important that you two maintain intimacy. Be understanding and explain that life gets tiring, but without a little playtime, it gets monotonous and unbearable. Explain how you feel and that you are upset/concerned about why they aren’t in the mood to do the deed. Perhaps there’s something going on you don’t know about and that’s why they aren’t in the mood. If so, this will open up the conversation about getting to the bottom of the issue.

3. It can certainly be the case that things in the bedroom have um… gone stale. If you’ve noticed that, suggest trying some new things. Some good ideas include taking a bath/shower together, new positions, toys (if that’s your thing), etc. A list of examples will be available in a later post. Trying new things in bed is a risky endeavor, but certainly worth it if you find something you both enjoy.

If you find that you are the one turning down sex, think about why. Are you really tired/headache-y/pissed off? Or is it the “more effort than it’s worth” syndrome? It’s kind of like working out. You put it off because physical exertion’s a chore, but once you’re doing it, it feels great and you’re happy you did. Think about the happiness of your partner as well. You will feel better knowing you can make them feel good. If you really do want to turn down sex, be gentle. Give ‘em a smooch and cuddle up for a movie instead. Signaling that you still want to be close will serve as a gentle buffer to the point that you don’t want sex.


Erica: It's simple. Put on Boyz II Men. "I'll Make Love to You" will rock your world... and your bed. But as it turns out, sex is only supposed to be an element of your relationship. I know! I was shocked when I heard that too. When a partner, male or female, never wants to get down, there's a hidden issue that is most likely being ignored. It could be something simple like the attraction just not being there, or something deeper like a loss of self-confidence.

If you're never in the mood - it's important to be honest with yourself and then with your love interest to avoid bruised egos. Look in the mirror. What's really going on? Is there a trust issue that's mentally blocking you from doing the good deed? Maybe there's a lack of foreplay going on. Ask for more time just being affectionate before it goes down. Or could there be fear of disappointment? There are endless reasons as to why someone can't be in the mood. But there are plenty of damn good reasons to get in the mood and your partner deserves your honesty. If it's something stupid like you "just don't feel like it," you need to cut the shit. Don't be in a relationship and drag someone along if you're not even willing to work through intimacy issues. But if it's legit, let your partner know. Chances are they just want to help you and are willing to do what they need to so that you're in a better place. And by "a better place," I mean, "in bed."

If your partner is never in the mood - it's time for a sextervention. Set time aside when you're both in a good mood to address this issue. It's not smart to do it when you just planned out a freaky night in your mind and then got turned down. You'll be angry, confused, and hurt, and your partner will just feel like they're being attacked. Initiate the conversation during the daylight, and be sympathetic. Make your partner feel comfortable with talking openly about sex issues. And assure them that you're in it for the long haul, that this isn't the last straw. "I just want to figure out what's wrong so that we can have a better relationship in and out of bed." Some times people just need to hear that their partner is concerned in order to just give in to the animal inside.

Sex should be the toy in the happy meal that is a relationship. It should happen! And if it doesn't, someone needs to hear about it.