Important Advice: the Relationship Booty Call

Dear Jill & Erica,
I'm in a sticky situation. This guy that I like is recently out of a long relationship that ended poorly. We hang out all the time, he calls me a lot, we have so much in common, and we just love being around each other. The problem is... he doesn't want to be in a relationship just yet. And he's not telling me that he will any time soon. We've been physical already, so I'm pretty attached. I know it's like I'm giving him a free pass, that he can eat his cake without making it. But part of me just wants to go along with it because I'm enjoying myself. I'm scared it will get messy. It's not a booty call situation, it's a relationship without the title. Help!

Jill: You may not see this now, but I think you’re heading for a huge disaster. He’s telling you up front that he’s basically just out to have fun and hook up without the commitment. I’ve contemplated “playing games” and “having fun” right back, and after a while, you know in your heart that it doesn’t feel right and you’re going to want more. Why ignore it? It's your brain warning you to not get hurt. You’re only going to set yourself up for disappointment in the long run.

It’s especially difficult when they send you the mixed signals. “I like you, I enjoy your company…BUT…” He likes you and probably likes hooking up without having to treat you with the respect you deserve. Eventually, though, you’re going to wonder, “Can I invite him (insert event/place here)? Would it be appropriate?” You don’t need that uncertainty; it will only drive you nuts. If I were you, I’d really consider what he's saying. Although you're hearing, “I like you," he's really saying, "I like you, but not enough to be with you.” And your response should be: “Goodbye!”


Erica: As much as it sucks, I have to agree with Jill. I promise you, it will get messy. No guy deserves your undivided attention (the calling and seeing where you are, hooking up, etc.) without reciprocating. 100%. You're worth more than that. And although we, as females, can deal with the noncommittal part of your relationship for a period of time, you know we can't linger on bating breath for long. As my wise aunt would say, "Shit or get off the pot!" It's good that he's being honest and saying that he can't be in a relationship right now, with the past relationship's turmoil still bubbling. Sounds like he misses the good and easy parts of being in a relationship, but isn't willing to do the work. And if that's true, that means he shouldn't be meddling in someone else's love life. It's like he saying, "I'd like you to be my play thing and keep me company so I can do whatever I want and not have to show you the respect of actually being with you." And you're responding with, "Yeah, I don't think I deserve your commitment either." It sucks. I've been in this exact situation. But he should shit or get off the pot. Give him an ultimatum and stick with it. You deserve a real, committed, attentive man.